Give SPORTS ILLUSTRATED credit: they’ve got balls. For as much as a publication might be mindful of frivolous use of expensive things like, y’know, lawyers’ fees, the magazine is prepared to go to the courts to uncover a football program’s deepest, darkest secrets.

(”Does this say Connecticut at #3? Oh wait, this is basketball. No wonder Villanova’s also in the top 10.”)

No, this has nothing to do with recruiting, personnel files, or anything related to the day-to-day business of running an athletic department or college football team. No, SI’s target is, um, coaches’ poll ballots.

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Alcohol marketing and sex have been, um, bedfellows for decades. It makes sense, seeing as how alcohol has spurred at least 88% of the nation’s pregnancies, according to figures we just made up. But generally, the marketing is geared toward men, since men are visual creatures. Ones who like boobies, usually.

(This vodka may taste like unleaded gasoline, but if you’re looking at the bottle, you probably won’t notice or care.)

So it makes sense, then, that one alcohol company - the particularly unsubtle “Nude Spirits,” as you can probably tell, has hired an athlete to help push their product into you. Not sexually, just by way of ingestion. Pervert. So who’s going to be ramming the cocktail down your throat until your gag reflex gives out? John Elway, ladies and gentlemen!

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If we were to tell you that Lou Holtz is doing something very weird, you’d probably think something like, “Oh God, he’s dishing out sex advice on those “Dr. Lou” segments, isn’t he? Oh, and it’s terrible advice, like ‘chicks who have been to prison will do anal,’ isn’t it? It was only a matter of time.” But no, this news is weirder than that. He has taken to the Internet to announce that he’s returning to coaching. And recruiting old Notre Dame players to play as Notre Dame. To play against Japan. In outer space*.

(Wait, this is real?)

WITH LEATHER, which last I checked doesn’t even sell leather, has the bizarre story. It looks like there’s some Notre Dame alumni meeting in Tokyo**, and to mark the occasion, Lou Holtz is bringing over a bunch of the Golden Domers to play an exhibition football game against some Japanese all-star team. But little do they know… Japanese football is actually this! Well, okay, no it isn’t.

There’s a particularly surreal video of Dr. Lou trying to recruit these alumni, via YouTube, after the break. Read more…