One of the more disappointing aspects of being a pro sports fan in modern times is the disconnect that has grown between fan and athlete. In fact, many athletes seem to have outright contempt for the people who watch their every move, and they show it through stonewalling every media inquiry that comes their way.
So it’s refreshing on rare occasion that an athlete sticks his or her neck out and actually has an opinion. It’s even more interesting when an athlete breaks the unwritten code of silence when it comes to other athletes. That’s why Brendan Haywood’s comments regarding Browns receiver Donte’ Stallworth stood out. No band of brothers here, and to tell Haywood tell it, behind the impassive eyes and tired cliches that athletes trot out to their adoring public, some of them might even feel strongly about things.
You may have noticed that during his final round conquest at the Masters, Angel Cabrera somehow wasn’t smoking his customary cigarette. No, it’s not because packs are going for upwards of $10 in New York City. It’s because after his mid-round puff break at the 2007 U.S. Open, Cabrera felt a little self-conscious about how the public might think that he was “out of shape.” As if the fact that he’s a Santa Claus-like obese Argentine who walks like a duck and sweats profusely wouldn’t give that away, the cigarettes were really pushing him over the edge.
Well, Cabrera kicked the habit, and boy wouldn’t you notice that it made a big difference! Except that it didn’t at all. The man still wears golf duds that look like they were ripped out of a 1980s rehab center, he still waddles down the fairway and, as Adam pointed out last night, he still doesn’t speak English, despite camping out on the tour for two straight years.
In fact, when you really break it down, there’s only one thing that was different about Cabrera this weekend: He was chewing lots, and lots and lots of gum. Lots of it. And why, pray tell, would Cabrera be plowing through Seinfeldian cases of gum? One word: Nicorette.
That’s right, Nicorette finally has a golden celebrity sponsor, and he’s even named Angel. If only he could speak English, he could give advice like “Every time I could nervous about two-putting, I popped some Nicorette!” Or, “Every time I shanked a shot into the trees, I remembered I was paired with Kenny Perry and that he’d definitely choke, so I took the time to enjoy a nicotine-laced chomp.”
Oh, if only Angel was fluent in English, then we’d really get to enjoy what he was thinking when he kept giving the thumbs up to the cameras after the green jacket ceremony. Something tells us he thought his jacket came with by swimsuit models. Maybe that was lost in translation, too.
Of course, if Perry had held on to win, we wouldn’t have needed the swimsuit models in the first place, we just could have checked out his daughter. No, not the 14-year-old who was smushed into TV shots with her mother, but the Tennessee Titans cheerleader. Yes, Kenny Perry’s daughter, Lesslye, is a cheerleader for the Titans. And, as you might suspect, she’s fit to be a Titans cheerleader, even though her name is spelled in a way that makes you wonder if her parents spoke English any better than Cabrera.
“It’s pretty cool. I get free tickets to the games.”
Well, that’s a relief. Now if this guy had won the Masters, then we could really relate to him. And to Kentucky, which, in our case, might be a first.
Of course, having Lesslye around makes some things irresistible. Like, say, squeezing things. Evidently, that’s even more pressing when you see a star like Tiger Woods make a big shot in person. Case in point: Check out this video from the 15th green at Augusta yesterday:
Now THAT is one grabby husband! Or partner. Or stranger who happened to be sitting behind a large-breasted woman who, after copious amounts of alcohol, was OK with a fat, drunk guy lean up against her and wrap his arm around her shoulder.
In fact, please let it be option No. 3. That would be beyond hilarious, particularly since it pushed CBS’s Masters coverage into the rarefied air of, well, precisely the kind of crap they show in the middle of the day during the week.
• In case you missed it on Saturday — and it lasted long enough that it started to feel like the furniture toward the midpoint of overtime — the NCAA Div. I hockey championship wasn’t just good, it was all-time great. Maybe even the greatest of all time.
• The Cavs steamrolled the Celtics yesterday, a blowout that was largely overlooked because neither team’s playoff status or seeding was at stake, and Boston was playing without Kevin Garnett. Then Ray Allen decided he’d had about enough of Anderson Varejao, and suddenly, a playoff subplot was born.
• Your official ping pong ball leaders in the Blake Griffin sweepstakes: Sacramento.
• The Dodgers scored a run in the second inning yesterday even though the inning ended with a double play that stranded Andre Ethier at third base. Wait, what?
At 18-60, the Washington Wizards have the worst record in the Eastern Conference and 2nd worst in the whole NBA, only 2 games better than the sorry Sacramento Kings. Maybe a few more victories might have come their way if they put the same amount of effort into their game play as they do their dance routines:
It was an incredibly tumultuous night in Cleveland, and the Cavaliers losing to the Wizards was the least shocking news of the night. (Although as the WASHINGTON POST’s Michael Lee points out, Washington joins the Lakers and Celtics as the only teams to beat Cleveland twice this season.) Yes, it’s not often that the best team in the league loses to the worst team in the league, but the Wizards are a unique case, with Gilbert Arenas and Brendan Haywood finally back playing after missing almost all of the season with injuries.
No, most of the evening drama in Cleveland involved the Browns. First came some fallout from Jay Cutler’s trade to the Bears, specifically reports that Cleveland had tried to work out a three-way deal with the Broncos and Redskins that would have sent Brady Quinn to Denver and Jason Campbell to Cleveland. Browns coach Eric Mangini spent Thursday night denying these reports; expect Quinn to demand a trade because the Browns tried to trade him sometime within the next week.
And later in the evening, there was news in the DUI manslaughter case against Browns WR Donte Stallworth, and it was more than just his first appearance at a court hearing. It turns out that Stallworth was already in the NFL’s substance abuse program at the time of his arrest, which opens him up to a whole range of punishment from the league. Of course, he’s facing charges that could land him in jail for at least eight years, and having a history of substance abuse issues is not going to help his case, so I’d say that Roger Goodell is the least of Stallworth’s problems right now.
Meanwhile, there were no problems at the opening of the Hard Rock Cafe Yankee Stadium yesterday, just a lot of unintentional comedy as reported by MLB.COM. What do I mean? How about Yankees’ Executive Vice President Hal “The Pretty One” Steinbrenner joining rock stars/C-list celebs with nothing better to do Ace Frehley of KISS, Scott Ian and Frank Bello of Anthrax, Darryl “DMC” McDaniels, Bernie Williams and members of the Seminole Nation to smash guitars instead of cutting a ribbon. And yes, this means rock and roll is officially dead.
(Oh yeah, “Late Show With David Letterman” band drummer Anton Fig was there, which only means one thing: even Paul Shaffer had too much dignity to show up to this thing.)
Other news while you were rioting in the streets of State College to celebrate Penn State’s NIT victory:
As PUCK DADDY notes, it must be like getting their hearts ripped out all over again for Hartford Whalers fans to see a Hurricanes jersey with the Whalers’ logo (and a God awful color combination). Although I’d love it if the Ravens wore Browns jerseys for “Turn Back The Clock” day against Cleveland.
While the Jay Cutler trade solved one long-running NFL saga, the Anquan Boldin/Arizona Cardinals mess continues to fester. The latest comes from NFL.COM which reports that Boldin told a Florida radio station that he would “love to” play in his home city of Miami.
I had hoped that the America’s Cup had gone the way of 1980s fads like The Lambada, Swatches and The California Raisins. But apparently it’s still happening, and it’s now the focus of lawsuits involving people with more money than they know what to do with. The AP has the latest news, as software tycoon Larry Ellison and his boat “Oracle” have won the right to challenge the current Cup holders, Judge Elihu Smails and his boat “The Flying Wasp” (seen below at its coronation):
If you’re a former NFL player who gets arrested on drug charges, you would hope that the headlines wouldn’t call you “forgettable.” But that’s just how NBC DALLAS FORT WORTH described former Cowboy Leonardo Carson, arrested yesterday on intent to sell charges, and I’ll be damned if they aren’t right.
Now that Tim Floyd has turned down Arizona, TUCSON CITIZEN columnist Anthony Gimino wants to know if there’s anyone left who wants the Wildcats’ coaching job. May I make a suggestion: Former Baylor coach Dave Bliss is available and ready to talk. Sure, he’s got a checkered past, but the guy knows how to win. Barring that, perhaps Jerry Tarkanian is available.
I can’t imagine why parents in Shenendehowa, NY are upset to find out that a part-time track coach had his teaching license revoked 11 years ago after an alleged sexual abuse case. WTEN-TV says that while Don Paretta was not convicted, he admitted to giving a former student a note at graduation saying he would “miss the student’s face and body.” And this guy coached pole vaulting: let the jokes commence.
According to the NEWARK STAR-LEDGER, Boston College DT B.J. Raji - a projected Top 10 pick in the NFL Draft - committed a crime worse than scoring single digits on the Wonderlic test: he reportedly flunked a drug test at the NFL Combine.
Finally, HOME RUN DERBY sends a hearty congratulations to Manatee Community College, which defeated the Pittsburgh Pirates 6-4 yesterday. Yes, those Pittsburgh Pirates, as in the “allegedly major league Pirates.” Bill Mazeroski would be rolling in his grave, if he were dead.
Of all the stange goings-on in Washington right now — and anyone who has seen a live shot of the National Mall in the past two days can attest to the fact that a lot of weird crap is going on — none can compare with one Brooklyn entrepreneur, who decided the best way to make a quick buck was to rip off Converse’s Chuck Taylor All Star 2K shoe design (remember those?) and hastily adapt it to celebrate Barack Obama’s inauguration.
(Yes, the inauguration festivities have officially jumped the shark.)
Not surprisingly, the entrepreneur in question, one Mitchell Rose, had the shoes made in China and shipped over for the inauguration, where he’s peddling them throughout D.C. According to NBC NEW YORK, he’s charging a whopping $60 per pair for what amount to Payless knock-offs with a bad rubber portrait of the president-elect.
Yet, as mad as prospective buyers of Rose’s cheapo kicks may be, they’re not as upset as a group of D.C. natives who are just mad that they can’t even be there: The Washington Wizards.
Dan Steinberg of DC SPORTS BOG keeps us current on night club advice by quizzing local pro athletesabout how to make the scene. Or more specifically, how to avoid ending up on your friendly neighborhood slumming sports blog the next morning.
(Chris Cooley doesn’t dance for wife Christy, but he does walk their Westie)
Redskins Tight End Chris Cooley tells Steinberg that eschewing alcohol you can’t see through is a good start:
“Everyone wants to drink a shot,” Cooley explained. “Don’t drink whiskey. I used to drink Jack Daniels. Bad decision. You get too filled up.”
“Everyone wants to do a shot with me,” he said. “I don’t know if that’s my image or what it is, but I can’t drink shots any more, because it wound up being 20 shots. Everywhere I go, ‘Do a shot with us!!!’ No more. That’s my tip as a pro athlete, don’t do a shot. And don’t dance if you’re [bad] at it, because everyone watches.”
“Everyone watches” is now code for “Everyone has a cellphone camera and a Youtube account.”
Meanwhile, Washington Wiz forward Caron Butler imparts evening-out wisdom that could also be taken to heart by your local garden variety mafia hit man and/or Pacman Jones and/or Plax: Read more…
Eddie Jordan will no longer act as head coach of the fantastically awful 1-10 Washington Wizards, replaced by a nominal front office presence that has been shadowing the team all season. According to WIZARDS INSIDER, Ed Tapscott runs the team as of practice this morning.
Jordan took over the club in 0 B.Z. (Before Zero), joining the franchise in 2003 when Gilbert Arenas did. After a brutal 25-win opening campaign, Jordan managed to hold the Wizards firmly at mediocre, never straying from a few games over .500 and only advancing in the playoffs once before becoming LeBron James’ warmup series in three consecutive postseasons. Read more…
Over the last week I’ve talked to a lot of people who are extremely happy that Barack Obama will be the next President of the United States. Yes, there is plenty of love to go around for the President-elect because he’s not George W. Bush, and like a new head coach, all the fans love him before the season starts. Once the games start, though, opinions have a tendency to change as people suddenly remember a President can’t do everything he promised.
Which is why Gilbert Arenas may one day regret the decision he made on Friday night. You see, earlier this year when Gilbert said he wasn’t going to vote he wasn’t being serious. In reality Agent Zero is a pretty big Obama supporter. Did I say supporter? I meant to say Gilbert is thisclose to stalking him.
