Chelsea Owner Narrowly Escapes Financial Ruin

Roman Abramovich, one of the world’s richest private citizens and owner of London’s Chelsea Football Club (not to mention a handful of other sporting organizations) is typically portrayed as a shrewd business investor who dumps money into Chelsea to help him pass his time. Everyone knows he got his money from selling his post-Soviet oil empire — Sibneft oil — to Russian state-owned Gazprom for a whopping $13 billion. What few know, however, is how close he would be to bankruptcy or, worse yet, jail for failing to cooperate with a psuedo-authoritarian state if he hadn’t sold when he did.

Roman Abramovich Daria Zhukova

(The advantage of selling at the right time: Landing this woman)

It’s a shocking revelation considering the fact that Abramovich single-handedly changed the face of the world’s richest sports league, the English Premier League. By dumping hundreds of millions of dollars into the Chicago Cubs of the EPL, Abramovich turned Chelsea into a household name, and set the stage for other oligarchical investors — Sheik Mansour at Manchester City, before all others — to snap up soccer teams before they got even more expensive. It’s now clear that getting Chelsea when he did is a credit to former Prime Minister Vladimir Putin as it is to Abramovich himself.

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Yeah, Brett, We Get It - You Like Shooting Things

• What’s more hilarious than showing up at practice and noticing that Brett Favre has put a dead animal in your locker? Reportedly it was a wild turkey, but usually when dead things end up stuffed in lockers in New Jersey, it’s not something to laugh about.

Brett Favre hunting

Ozzie Guillen is in love with a certain team on the south side…of the country.

Misty May-Treanor can win gold medals running around on a beach, but she can’t physically keep up in a competition that still includes Cloris Leachman. So now the well-endowed lawyer’s daughter is back in.

Vladimir Putin released a DVD to teach you about Judo. Next in the series of world leader instructional DVDs: Robert Mugabe’s ground-breaking series of curling lessons.

• Even Frank Caliendo has had enough of the Frank TV ads. And he’s the star of the show.

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Vladimir Putin Releases Judo Instructional DVD

Despite the fracturing of our nation due to the recent venomous spew from both presidential candidates, one thing we can all get together and agree on is that whoever wins, Vladimir Putin can kick their ass. At least, that was the common belief before Putin made the greatest mistake in political history by revealing his secret hand-to-hand combat techniques by releasing an instructional DVD on judo.

Comrade Putin

THE DAILY MAIL has the scoop. The DVD, hilariously entitled “Let’s Learn Judo with Vladimir Putin”, is the work of a collaboration between Putin, who is a 56-year-old black belt, and former Olympic judo champion Yasuhiro Yamashita. No word yet if the DVD includes a cameo by Putin’s 24-year-old gymnastic mistress.

Ass-kicking and risque rendezvous with young women? Putin is basically just Jack Nicholson, isn’t he?

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Brog: Now Ready Climb The Highest (Nubian) Peak

Moving Day! I’m outta Miami this afternoon. Really excited, as I’m off to traverse the vast, fruited plain of our great nation, plumbing the depths of the valleys and climbing ever-higher, to the highest Nubian Peak:

Nubian Peak

(That’s almost as good as this- thanks Orson!)

By now you’ve probably seen Punter’s post on the Giants’ Super Bowl rings getting stolen from a jewelry store located just 10 miles from the Patriots’ offices. I’ve since heard from a league source that the rings were soon to be delivered to additional club employees (the players, coaches and top front office staff got theirs first).

Putin Steals Super Bowl Ring From Bob Kraft

So with the news of the heist, boy is Vladimir Putin ever pissed!

I’ve got some breaking news for LSU fans:

LSU Civil War Sign

Nebraska was not a slave state.

From the Dept. of Unfounded, Uncalled-For Cheap Shots, I give you the NEW YORK DAILY NEWS: “Was that really the woman who accused Kobe Bryant of rape in Colorado at one of the Lakers-Celtics games in Boston? A source swears he saw her. Something seemed to be distracting Bryant.

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Rumors: Putin Partnering Up With Pretty Gymnast

THE BEST WHO vaults over rumors that Vladimir Putin has split with his 50-year-old wife and landed with a 24-year-old Olympic gymnast.

Alina Kabaeva Russian gymnast Vladimir Putin

A Moscow newspaper dishes that the Russian president is reportedly leaving his long-time better half Ludmilla, and getting in rhythm with rhythmic dancer Alina Kabaeva.

However, the Russian rag learns that publishing Putin’s alleged affairs can actually be bad for business (with more pics of Alina after the jump).

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This Won’t Replace Our Yeltsin Drinking Game

The ASSOCIATED PRESS reports that Russians who want to learn martial arts in the privacy of their own dank, cinder block Soviet-era apartments have had their prayers answered. Russian murderer President Vladimir Putin has released an instructional video on Judo.

Vladimir Putin Judo

Putin recorded the video with Japanese Judo champion Yasuhiro Yamashita, which is intended as a supplement to a Judo manual written by Putin several years ago.

Vladimir Putin Judo

We wouldn’t be afraid to take on Putin in the squared circle, it’s the pre-match meal we’d be worried about.