Why Not Try Some Freddie Mitchell Boner Coffee?

Would you like a little more romance in your life, but are too embarrassed to buy Viagra? Are you constantly thinking, “If only I could get sexually aroused via a delicious cup of coffee“? Former Philadelphia Eagles receiver Freddie Mitchell is here to help, as you knew he would be.

Freddie Mitchell

Introducing Magic Power Coffee — which, according their web site, is like “two Viagra in a Starbucks latte.” Mitchell is all over Twitter promoting the product and its AllXClub “Invitation Only: Special Pre-Launch, September 1 – September 15″. And you know that Mitchell wouldn’t steer you wrong: He once showed up at an Eagles’ press conference wearing oven mitts, saying “I’d like to thank my hands for being so great.”

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Unexpected Performance Enhancer Kills HS Athlete

Of all the reasons to disapprove of performance-enhancing drugs in sports, one of the most compelling is the concern over the effect they may have on youths in sports. There’s no question that a teenager has no business injecting themselves with powerful steroids or other enhancers that could have unforeseen adverse effects on their still-growing body. In addition, an impatient kid is unlikely to cautiously heed the directions and dosages for use. It’s a dangerous combination.

For 16-year-old high school track athlete Joseph Loudon, it was a fatal one. Loudon died at a high school keg party after a combination of booze and performance enhancing drugs caused him to fatally choke on his own vomit. But Loudon wasn’t juiced up on HGH or steroids - his blood was found to have high levels of the erectile dysfunction drug papaverine.

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Dr.: Viagra Enhances Athletic Performance, Too

Viagra sponsors race cars. It sells ads across the airwaves faster than it can pop out little blue pills, and it’s allegedly helping resuscitate the sex lives of thousands of middle-aged American men. Well, add “athletic performance-enhancer” to the list of modern factoids about the little blue pill because, according to this story in the soccer blog THE OFFSIDE, a Brazilian doctor has determined that the pills can enhance athletic performance when competing at high altitudes. Really.

smiling bob viagara
(Smiling Bob: the new Ronaldinho.)

According to the theory, cooked up by Gremio team doctor Alarico Endres, Viagra will improve performance because it increases blood circulation, which would essentially help it play the role of the common cycling blood booster EPO. If he’s right, the Gremio players could perform at a significant advantage; not only would they have better stamina over the course of the game, but the prospect of fielding a team of 11 players with full erections would certainly cause an opponent to play slacker defense. There would be room to shoot, for sure.

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Viagra Makes Cyclists Ride Longer and Harder?

Dick Pound and the World Anti-Doping Agency continue to expand their purview in the most ironic way possible for Mr. Pound: funding a study to see if Viagra helps cyclists’ endurance at high altitudes. We would be shocked and saddened to find that the study discovered no correlation between the two as we already have our “Dick Pound Bans Viagra From Peddlers” lede written.

Cyclists claim no “kickstand” issues during the tests because they stay focused on the task and are surrounded by photos of mountain peaks and Lance Armstrong. Sadly, we must disagree as we’ve found one of those posters:

Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow

We became sufficiently distracted before we noticed Lance was standing next to someone. Heavens. “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough”, indeed.
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