Football-Helmet-Fu Still Illegal In Utah, Apparently

Suppose you’re a father of a high school football player. Suppose you’re upset with your son after his team just lost their fourth game in a row. Um, suppose that’s a legitimate reason to lose your temper if you’re not a coach.

Tumua Siaumau
(Your extremely unwise decision-maker of the day.)

Okay, all our suppositions in place? All right. If the kid’s coach comes over to cool things down, of all the options available to you, few are as ludicrously bad as what Salt Lake City resident Tumua Siaumau chose, which was braining said coach with his son’s football helmet. The result, according to the SALT LAKE TRIBUNE, was a broken jaw and a mountain of legal troubleRead more…

Football Star Busted For Forgery By An Apple

We’re not sure, but something tells us that felony forgery is probably out of the league of a high school football player. Some people may be able to pull it off, but an 18-year-old whose easily distracted by tapping pencils and actually believes the claims in AXE body spray commercials probably isn’t one of them.

apple
(More successful at preventing forgery than your average Utah cop.)

That’s why Salt Lake City high schooler Bo Ryker Jensen — rule No. 2: Don’t try forgery if your name only has two letters — is in some serious hot water. According to Layton (Utah) police in a report on the website for Salt Lake City station TV station KSL, Jensen was caught trying to buy a single apple at an Albertson’s with a $20, which, even for a grocery store clerk, is enough to make them suspicious.

Now the football and baseball star is being charged with felony forgery, with some $200 worth of bills already recovered from a ring he had set up; another teen was arrested earlier in the week for trying to pass on $90 of Jensen’s money for an amplifier at a music store.

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Pole Dancing Mormons Make Push For Olympics

When we last saw the Mormons, they were attempting to murder love. Having succeeded on that, they’ve apparently moved on to more pressing concerns: getting pole dancing into the Olympics.

Pole Dancing Mormons

From CBS 2 in Salt Lake City comes this report of the newest craze to sweep Utah: pole dancing for fitness. If you remember this fad being big a few years ago, you’re right; I like to picture Utah kind of like the Middle East, where it takes about 20 years for pop culture to spread. The new Pat Benatar cassettes are just hitting Tehran now. (Video of Mormon housewives in spandex, at your own risk, after the jump.) Read more…

Moralistic Utah Oafs Offended By Gym’s Gyrations

Some Utah busybodies have their panties in a bunch over the scantily-clad hardbodies shown at a couple of local gyms.

Pole exercising

The DESERET MORNING NEWS reports that a collection of prudish residents and student groups have petitioned the Gold’s Gyms in Provo & Orem to change their videos on display - claiming that some of their in-house programming is ‘pornographic’.

In addition, they demand that blinds be installed in rooms where more ‘provocative’ workouts take place, such as…*gasp*, dancing! Petitioners proclaim they’ve been shamed by what they’ve seen behind the glass walls of their local for-profit physical activity center.

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