You Know What The Premier League Needs? AIDS

Oh, the life of a soccer player in England’s Premier League. The country’s heroes and their unreasonably hot WAGs dominate the tabloid headlines, and usually that’s a good thing. Fame, money, sex, sport. What can go wrong?

Magic Johnson's HIV-Eating Grin
(Not the groupie in question. Repeat: NOT the groupie.)

Well, it turns out just about everything can go wrong. A notorious soccer groupie, one who had bedded at least six soccer players on three different teams, just tested positive for HIV. And here you are mad that it burns when you urinate. Herpes? Feh! At least you’re going to live.

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