For whatever reason, France hates Lance Armstrong. Seriously, they haaaate him. They hate him with a visceral disgust that they usually reserve for the Spanish (we’re just assuming that, like the residents here, Europeans hate anyone who lives across a political border from them). They were even discussing whether to make the day Lance broke his collarbone a national holiday. We’re kidding about that, but it’s plausible.

(France would burn these, but it would smell just awful.)

France’s usual weapon of choice against Armstrong is to hound him with drug tests, 100% of which have come back clean. It doesn’t seem probable that cycling’s demigod can win year after year after experiencing a catastrophic bout with brain cancer, but until they can prove otherwise, he did so cleanly.

But now, as Armstrong announced to his LIVESTRONG.COM site, he expects to be banned from the Tour. He didn’t test positive for anything; his transgression was… taking a shower.

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Lance Armstrong has been on the post-cancer cycling comeback trail since announcing his unretirement back in January. However, his quest for an 8th Tour de France triumph may have been knocked off course.

During a race in Spain on Monday, Armstrong was caught up in a crash that involved as many as 20 other cyclists. Worst of all, Lance had to be taken to a hospital, perhaps suffering a broken collarbone.

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Lance Armstrong’s valiant return to the two-wheeled beast will not run through the great state of Georgia.  The Tour de Georgia will take a year off, hoping to return when corporate sponsors and state agencies can care again about sports after the Credit Crunch. Race officials couldn’t remotely begin to secure the reported $3.3m required to ride bicycles on Georgia streets.

(Maybe the Tour de Georgia didn’t care much for Lance’s new cycling team director)

Of course, you’d have to think Coca-Cola, AT&T, and other past and likely future sponsors would have latched onto a sure thing in this uncertain ad market if… say, Lance had ever officially committed to the event.

Instead, he coyly flirted with the race as a primer for the 2009 Tour de France (assuming he does) until Tour de Georgia officials had to flush the race or get off the pot and pedal, as the saying goes.
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It appears the ante has been upped in the Attention-Hounding Semi-Retired Waffling Athletic Idol competition between geezers Lance Armstrong and Brett Favre.

(Joe Paterno called..he said it’s time to retire already)

Newly-unretired pedalslinger Armstrong admitted in a Tuesday interview that he is now unsure whether he will compete in next summer’s Tour de France.

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In the United States the human interest story of Lance Armstrong earned the cyclist a special place in the hearts and minds of Americans (including Matthew McConaughey), lots of cash and maybe even an Olsen twin.

In France, however, Lance remains an unpopular figure. In an interview with French sports newspaper L’EQUIPE, Jean-Etienne Amaury the new head of the Tour de France’s organizer said the seven-time winner of the Tour an “embarrassed” cycling’s most famous race.

The 32 year-old Amaury who took over the organization that his father founded told the paper, “We can’t say that he has not embarrassed the Tour de France, as he has had a quite a complicated history with it.“ Read more…

It could be argued that from 1999 to 2005, Lance Armstrong owned the Tour de France.   In those seven years, Lance won the race seven times, and pissed off a whole lot of French people in the process.   Well, if you think the French hated Armstrong for constantly winning their event, wait until they hear what Lance has planned next.

There are rumors circulating that Lance’s return to the race this season is just the beginning of his plan, as it appears Armstrong is no longer content with owning the yellow jacket year after year.   He wants to own the entire damn race.

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When Lance Armstrong finally retired from bicycling after winning his seventh straight Tour de France in 2005, it opened the door for his former teammate and fellow American Floyd Landis. Landis went on to win the 2006 Tour de France, but shortly afterward it was discovered that Floyd had been taking testosterone to boost his performance.

Landis denied the charges repeatedly, but to no avail, so he quickly left the sport and hasn’t been heard of since. Well, he’s about to be heard from again. Apparently following in Lance’s footsteps pedals is what Floyd was born to do, because after hearing the news that Armstrong plans to return in 2009, Landis has some comeback ideas of his own.

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Looks like Americans are once again going to care about skinny men riding bicycles through the mountains of France: Lance Armstrong is giving up his nightly outings with Matthew McConaughey to return to the world of cycling.

The plan is thus: Armstrong, who turns 37 this month, will race in the Amgen Tour in California, Paris-Nice, the Tour de Georgia and the Dauphine-Libere before returning to the Tour de France next year, which he’s already dominated 7 times. The best part about it? According to MSNBC, he’ll be doing it “for no salary or bonuses”. Just for the pure love of the game.

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Recently, Lance Armstrong took time out from pleasing the ladies to speak with MEN’S JOURNAL about, well, pleasing the ladies.

Apparently, riding a bike all day long is really bad for your sex drive, so now that the seven-time Tour de France champion has retired, it’s go time.

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• The Friendly Confines aren’t so friendly toward Charlie Weis’ singing.

Because Cubs fans certainly know what’s tasteful & what isn’t.

• Smog, human rights abuses, slow internet connection with too many banned sites - the Beijing Olympics will have it all!

• Tony Stewart once again demonstrates his cool trackside manner.

• Two MMA fighters get attacked & Tasered in a robbery attempt by a bunch of Canadians? What’s that all aboot?

• An assistant football coach quits after his players egg his car & home.

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