• A 71-year-old former boxing champ beats & bruises a 23-year-old knife-wielding would-be burglar. The kid should’ve stayed off his lawn.

• The New York Mets get on the bus and stop a 5-game losing streak. Too bad their next bus stop ended up at a Furries convention.

• Landon Donovan releasing new book that bashes David Beckham.

• A Cubs fan vows to go on a semi-hunger strike until the Baby Bears win 5 in a row. It was nice knowing ya, pal.

• It’s like the old saying goes: Mexican midget wrestlers & hookers just don’t mix.

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Michael Jackson’s death affected the sports world in many ways, from his music video with Michael Jordan to his epic Super Bowl performance, to say nothing of the effect his life had on individual athletes. So it’s no surprise to see a CFL player pay tribute to him during a touchdown celebration. Sounds like a nice gesture, right? Ahem.

After catching a 21-yard TD in Wednesday’s season opener vs. the Hamilton Tiger-Cats, Toronto Argonauts WR Arland Bruce took off his helmet, shoulder pads and uniform and laid on his back in the end zone, with his arms crossed over his chest. You see, Bruce was paying homage to dead Michael Jackson, and not the zombie “Thriller” version.

(Video after the jump.) Read more…

If you thought that we got all the good sexual assault trials down here in the States, then you obviously haven’t heard much about what’s been going on in Toronto the last few days. Bernard Williams, a former football player with the CFL’s Toronto Argonauts, was acquitted today on rape charges stemming from the accusations of a 23-year-old who tried, but failed, to catch on as a cheerleader for the team. Seems that things didn’t quite go down the way she thought they did. It might have had something to do with the fact that she had 20 mixed drinks on the night in question.

(All because she couldn’t be part of this happy group)

The woman, who can’t be identified because of Canadian law, hurtled a number of racial slurs at Williams after he allegedly started having sex with her while she was passed out. But there was no forensic evidence that any such actions took place, and the woman’s testimony was full of so many holes and changed so many times that the judge concluded that she basically made it all up.

Still, any trial that involves the prosecutor uttering the line “it is ridiculous to say she imagined a phantom penis inside of her” is worth examining a bit further.

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When the Bills lost an AFC East home game to a neutral field in Toronto, they were understandably upset about not having a home field advantage. Well, now they’re trying to find a way to get it back, signing a petition demanding officials in Toronto open the Rogers Centre’s retractable roof to better simulate the conditions at Orchard Park’s Ralph Wilson Stadium.

(This man wants Toronto to open the Rogers Centre roof. Seriously.)

Yes, you read that right. Given a brief reprieve from an area constantly assaulted with some of the nation’s hardest winters, Buffalo fans are insisting the cold be brought in, much to the chagrin of the Dolphins and their fans, who, according to the ASSOCIATED PRESS, were ecstatic at getting out of a traditionally frigid date in upstate New York.

Dolphins players are certainly all in the same camp, as you can tell from the quote after the jump.

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Tempers flared during the Toronto Argonauts’ 34-31 victory over the Hamilton Tiger-Cats on Monday. The trigger? According to the NATIONAL POST, it was when Argonauts receiver Arland Bruce III did the unthinkable: he put on a Spider-Man mask after scoring a touchdown.

That might sound trivial to you, but understand: he did this in Hamilton. Hamilton! Every knows that Hamilton is DC Comics country while Toronto backs Marvel Comics. Just when the Canadians thought they had finally put this national chasm behind them, Bruce had to go and re-open it like an open sore.

Video of the horrendous act after the jump:

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When high school athletes commit to colleges, they can generally find a way to get out, if they want, of those commitments. It leaves a little leeway for stuff like coaching changes, etc. Of course, when you ink with Uncle Sam and one of his branches of the armed forces, yeah … not so much.

Ross Weaver, an offensive lineman with the CFL’s Toronto Argonauts and an active member of the United States Air Force, is finding that out the hard way. The TORONTO STAR sounds off the news that Weaver, despite a previous agreement with the Air Force, is being called out of football and back into the military.

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Mike Vanderjagt, the one-time king of the NFL kicking community, continues to botch his booting attempts while north of the border.

The ex-Colt & ex-Cowboy, who lost his roster spots after some poor on-field performances, is trying his luck with the Toronto Argonauts with the CFL. But in last week’s season opener against the Winnipeg Blue Bombers, he missed on his first three field goal attempts (but he did score a single on his first failed FG).

But Vanderjagt realizes his problem was a lack of respect - not to the game, but to the hashmarks. Read more…

Here’s to hoping the Toronto Argonauts enjoy wide right field goal attempts, because former Colts and Cowboys “kicker” Mike Vanderjagt was signed by the CFL team for which he kicked over a decade ago.

And while the Argos’ optimism is admirable, it really does need to be asked: do they have a freaking clue why this guy’s not kicking in the NFL? Read more…

• YOU BEEN BLINDED has some good news for commercial announcers - Mike Tyson won’t be taking your job anytime soon.

• The TORONTO GLOBE & MAIL reports that the CFL’s Argonauts have become a halfway house for another NFL problem player. This time it’s David Boston.

• WE ARE THE POSTMEN hopes new Bucks coach Scott Skiles enjoys his time in Milwaukee - since many sports folks don’t seem to.

• 100% INJURY RATE finds Rasheed Wallace jokingly joining the Sixers’ team huddle - then missing the potential game-tying shot.

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