Speed Read: An Evening Of Florida Pillow-Fighting

Normally, you don’t see a broadcast booth spend a plurality of a football game raving about the “time of possession” statistic. Then again, normally, you don’t see a team win said battle by a full 30 minutes of game time, which is precisely what Miami did to Indianapolis last night. And then again, you don’t normally see a team control the ball for fewer than 15 minutes of the game… and win anyway.

Pierre Garcon gets two thumbs down
(”Okay, so you just scored the go-ahead touchdown. Allow me to retort: BOOOO THUMBS DOWN TO YOU BOOOOOOO!”)

But lo and behold, thanks to the quickest of quick-strike offenses, the Colts did exactly that; thanks to touchdown drives of 1, 6, and 4 plays, Indianapolis prevailed in Miami, 27-23. Indeed, the Colts’ longest drive of the night was a 9-play drive that led to a 2nd quarter field goal; on the other side of the field, the Fins had exactly one shorter drive: an 8-play, 25-yard drive that ended in a punt. After that, literally every drive of theirs was 9 plays or longer. That’s the longest shortest drive since [ERROR WE ARE NOT ELIAS SPORTS BUREAU CLIENTS ABORT, RETRY, FAIL?].

Ah, but without turnovers, time of possession is effectively meaningless. Read more…

Vince McMahon Demands Wrestling Be Realistic

One of the worst parts of childhood is growing up to understand that a lot of the things you held dearest are a bunch of crap.  Santa Claus?  Your dad in a fat suit.  The Easter Bunny?  Come on.  You thought that was real?   The tooth fairy?  That’s just a bunch of crap to get you to go see a dentist.   Still, there was one thing I learned growing up that crushed me more than finding out any of those three weren’t real.   I remember the day my cousin told me wrestling was fake.

I felt as my entire soul was being torn apart at the seams.   My parents always told me it was fake, but I never believed them.  My cousin, on the other hand, was a wrestling fan and had no reason to lie to me.   It was horrible, I thought the Ultimate Warrior really was an Ultimate Warrior, and now I found out he was just some roid raging psycho with a penchant for face paint.   Thankfully, Vince McMahon realizes the pain this causes young children worldwide, and he wants to do something about it.

Read more…