Apparently It’s Official: Danica To NASCAR In 2010

Despite the wide belief that such a move would do nothing to further her career, Danica Patrick is apparently moving to NASCAR in 2010. According to ESPN, she isn’t giving up on the IRL, however; racing only in Nationwide Series and Trucks next year.

Danica Patrick

Not sure why this hasn’t happened sooner, actually. I mean, aside from the increased money, TV ratings, sponsorships and U.S. profile, there’s really no upside for Patrick to make this switch. Read more…

NASCAR Waters Down Cabbage Patch Kids Market

NASCAR, bless their profit-driven souls, would put an official NASCAR holograph sticker on their mothers if they thought Mama would sell at a 60% markup in one of those truck trailers set up outside the tracks on race day. Of course, their mothers would fly off the shelves if they had Dale Earnhardt, Jr.’s face tattooed on their arms.

Cabbage Patch NASCAR

(”Finally, I can relate to the sport of NASCAR!”)

That’s why the makers of Cabbage Patch Kids chose Junior to be the first one to receive the Cabbage Patch Kid treatment in the “NASCAR ‘Kids” line. No, really. They are making NASCAR drivers into Cabbage Patch Kids. We have photographic proof after the jump of the only opportunity Junior will have to come in first this year.

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Speed Read: Multicolored Sox Prevent Prohibition

If you’re looking for beer, its quantities are not limited but its availability is going away fast. The Milwaukee Brewers are out of the playoffs, eliminating all teams with alcoholic-related mascots from the playoffs. Chicago Cubs fans’ privileges to drink after the 7th inning of games is gone because, well, there are no more 7th innings on the North Side. But there’s hope.

Prohibition Headline - Brewers Out

The White Sox are still enjoying that liquor ban reprieve of their own by besting the Rays, 6-4. (There was a planned blackout at U.S. Cellular Field, which is safer than your typical drunkard’s unplanned blackout.) The Red Sox, meanwhile, supported leaving people loaded by doing just that with the bases in the crucial 10th inning, before the Angels’ Francisco Rodriguez saved the day (and his own butt) by pitching out of a jam. And even though the Halos extended the series to a Game Four with a 5-4 win, that just means more spirits per inning for the Bay State.

So all is well. No need for mafias, moonshine stills or speakeasies. Unless, y’know, you’re into that.

Keith Bulluck flips 5-0 signals

(Yay, Tennessee Titans! You guys are … 0-5? Oh, wait, Keith Bulluck. You got that backwards.)

Keith Bulluck corrected 5-0 sign

(There. Proving once again there’s nothing Flip Horizontal can’t fix.)

Time for a monstrously-gargantuan obscure parallel, if I may. The two remaining unbeaten teams in the NFL are also monsters which appear in Exodus: Ultima after you reach Level 3: the Giants and the Titans. (Maybe if Buffalo was called the Golems instead of the Bills, they wouldn’t have gotten Cardinalized.)

Home to both the Titans and the Commodores of Vanderbilt, the city of Nashville could feature more unlikely 5-0 football teams than anywhere. Ever. But enough about surprising unbeatens. How about some unsurprising beatens?

Dejected Lions fan

(Wearing this was the only way they let Joey Harrington back in Ford Field.)

Quietly having an MVP season at quarterback in the NFL is the amalgamation of every quarterback who faces the Detroit Lions. On most days, years, and alternate universes Matt Ryan, Aaron Rodgers, J.T. O’Sullivan, and Kyle Orton are not the kind of signal callers who will set the league on fire. The four QBs have a combined rating of 121.51 — 10 points higher than Favre’s league-leading 110.8. The Rams might also have similarly pathetic numbers, but three of their oppositions’ throwers? Eli. McNabb. And Hasselbeck. It’s not a good sign when the Rams can look to the Lions and find reasons to feel good about themselves.

What makes us feel good about ourselves, strangely, is seeing what other people are doing by peckin’ away at their keyboards and hitting publish:

George Mason - Ace Ventura

  • Good thing they didn’t need Ace Ventura on the case, namely because we don’t need more sequels: BLEACHER REPORT gets to the bottom of stolen George Mason Final Four rings on eBay. Here’s a hint to aspiring burglars: don’t steal rings with someone’s name on it, then publicize it. From “pawned” to “pwn3d.”
  • For the sympathetic co-worker of a fervent Cubs fan, EPIC CARNIVAL has ten phrases you should avoid around them.
  • UNC Tar Heels fans at THE FIFTH CORNER take umbrage with ESPN.com’s Heather Dinich’s explanation on why the 22nd-ranked Heels aren’t rankworthy.
  • Almost perfect timing, TIMES OF TRENTON’s Mark Eckel notes in Philly celebrating the Phils and jeering the Eagles.
  • Michael Phelps — remember him? — comes home to Baltimore and is greeted by a parade of thousands, and WBOC-TV is there. Which just begs the question: it took Phelps this long to go back home to Baltimore?
  • Let the Oklahoma-Texas hype begin … now. The NORMAN TRANSCRIPT examines the Sooners-Longhorns matchup in the Red River Not-Shootout-But-Instead-Rivalry-Because-Guns-Are-Bad.
  • CC you next year? Sabathia tells the WISCONSIN STATE JOURNAL he could possibly return to Milwaukee in ‘09.
  • NEW YORK TIMES baseball blogger Ray Schreiber says maybe it’s time for the Cubs franchise to embrace Steve Bartman. Spoken like a true non-Cubs fan.
  • After a crazy day at Talladega Speedway, VIRGINIAN-PILOT’s auto racing writer Dustin Long goes into why Regan Smith thought he beat Tony Stewart, and why NASCAR said Stewart won even though he finished second.
  • And finally, whatever you do, gentle readers, whatever your homerist tendencies, wherever you may roam, please do not root for a Red Sox-Dodgers World Series. The unimaginable storyline of Manny Ramirez is just too much to bear. It would make “Jerome Bettis is from Detroit” look like “Can the Spurs defend their title?” Just … just root away from that, by all means necessary. And good morning!

After this weekend, who needs a drink in the worst way?

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Tony Stewart Caught in the Act Being Really Huffy

This is Tony Stewart’s time of the year as a NASCAR racer, when he’s at his competitive best on the track. After his narrow defeat Sunday, cameras and microphones captured Stewart pitching a fit that has us wondering if it’s also his time of the month?

FROM THE MARBLES’ Jay Busbee transcribes part of Stewart’s exchange with crew chief Greg Zipadelli as follows:

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Blog Jam: UT Coordinator Muschamp Draws Blood

• His bloodlust not satisfied with a blowout win over Florida Atlantic, EVERY DAY SHOULD BE SATURDAY spots Texas Longhorns defensive coordinator Will Muschamp drawing some blood on his own.

Will Muschamp blood on face

We swear we’ve seen (and heard) this kind of sideline excitement before.

• WITH LEATHER catches Cincinnati’s mascot Bear-ly avoiding a parachuting Cat-astrophe.

• THE SPORTING BLOG shares news that the parents of Tony Stewart are worried that the womanizing NASCAR star’s special little friend might someday “rot off“.

• THE BIG LEAD elects to examine the unfolding political war of words between Gilbert Arenas & Baron Davis.

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Wrigley Fans Do Not Enjoy Charlie Weis’ Singing

• The Friendly Confines aren’t so friendly toward Charlie Weis’ singing.

Charlie Weis Cubs Horry Kow

Because Cubs fans certainly know what’s tasteful & what isn’t.

• Smog, human rights abuses, slow internet connection with too many banned sites - the Beijing Olympics will have it all!

Tony Stewart once again demonstrates his cool trackside manner.

• Two MMA fighters get attacked & Tasered in a robbery attempt by a bunch of Canadians? What’s that all aboot?

• An assistant football coach quits after his players egg his car & home.

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Stewart Shows Off His Calm Racetrack Demeanor

Tony Stewart, non-ambiturning superstar, will be spending lots of time on the sidelines of NASCAR races sooner than later, with the news that he split from Gibbs Racing to kind of go off on his own.

Tony Stewart

Essentially the move will give him substantial ownership in his own company as he finishes out his career & becomes a crotchety old man who harasses NASCAR officials. But, it should come as no surprise to anyone that even remotely follows racing that Stewart isn’t exactly waiting until he retires to go nuts. Video (from LBS) of Tony’s freakout after the jump, and tomahawk chops to Jay Busbee at FROM THE MARBLES, who has slow-mo shots and funny captions.

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Blog-O-Palooza: Blogs Are Taking Over The World

  • Ryan Parker is back with his latest song, an ode to sports blogs in the wake of the Will Leitch/Buzz Bissinger fiasco. We were happy to be mentioned.

Buzz Bissinger Will Leitch Costas Now

  • ODENIZED has his take on the Bruce Bowen - Chris Paul mini-melee from last night’s game (with video). Read more…

Tony Stewart: ‘I’d Rather You Kick Me In The Balls’

Jay Busbee of FROM THE MARBLES reports on Tony Stewart’s hair raising ordeal to generate money for charity. Apparently Stewart is known for his “famously furry” back, and he recently agreed to have it waxed if charitable contributions to NASCAR’s Victory Gang Foundation totaled more than $100,000.

Tony Stewart Gets Back Waxed

(Tony Stewart getting back waxed - or a pulled pork sandwich)

Once the money rolled in, Stewart was a man of his word. Speaking of words, he had more than a few NSFW ones during the procedure.
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Blog-O-Rama: Shaq Really Thinks He’s Superman

• FAN IQ finds footage from Sunday of Shaq thinking he’s really Superman, as the Big Cactus soars into Spurs spectators:

• 100% INJURY RATE loves the smell of napalm and pine tar in the morning, as Marlins reliever Logan Kensing likes to shoot at animals from helicopters.

• SCENE DAILY races over news that Tony Stewart had a bad day with Goodyear.

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