O Glorious Day! The zenith of nascent spring has arrived! Today, you can call in sick to work (tell them you need to prep for your World Series-winning colonoscopy), crack open a beer before 9:30 am on the West Coast, and stare intently at teenagers in short pants for four straight days without so much as a cocked eyebrow from your loved ones.

(2008 Final Four coverage from SPORTSbyBROOKS)

(Hint: timing’s everything on this one. One weekend in the wrong direction and you’re stuck programming your GPS to stay 200 yards from schools for the next five years.)

Here’s what you need to thrive today:

Television schedule
Watch online
Watch on your iPhone
Nevada Council on Problem Gambling

(2007 teaser from SPORTSbyBROOKS coverage)

Here’s your morning NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament storylines:

• UNC guard Ty Lawson will not play against Radford in the first round.  Please adjust your money line bets accordingly.
• However, Michael Jordan’s son will likely play more for Illinois during the tourney due to injuries.  (Odd how MJ doesn’t even provide a drop quote for his son to the NEW YORK TIMES, leaving all the talking to Mom.)
• And Levance Fields feels much better, making him available for Pitt.
• Mike Krzyzewski got his back out of whack when he heard President Obama didn’t even pick Duke to go to the Final Four.  (Worse: he picked Lawson’s team to win it all.) Don’t get excited, Coach K… he did pick your team to be prepared for a little thing called “life”.
• Gus Johnson will call games in Memphis with as much gusto as he calls out bad service in a restaurant: loudly enough to get handcuffed.
• Finally, if you haven’t filled out your brackets yet, follow our advice: you can never go wrong shaking the Big Ten teams off your sheet like Mateen Cleaves works a towel.

Since you now have a few hours to kill, here’s the hail of bullet points to distract you while considering why you’re getting sex advice from China’s last eunuch (and how they tested for this):

• The United States lost to Venezuela 10-6 in second-round WBC action with slightly more meaning than a rerun of “Maude” since both teams had already advanced to the semifinals.
• More pressing: why aren’t you all out there supporting the U.S. squad? Don’t you know Tommy Lasorda said you’d go to hell if you didn’t cheer loudly enough? (And does this make the U.S. team a Bizarro Tinkerbell?)
• If you want to see what poor support at home looks like, follow Cuba back to the island after they were eliminated by Japan in a repeat of the 2006 final.

• Continuing the international baseball thread, Manny Ramirez and his balky hamstring enjoyed the game of cricket yesterday in the desert. Four out of five doctors agree that many ailments can be cured or temporarily assuaged by applying an appearance fee to the affected area.
• As always, you can stop Mexican drug wars temporarily if the local soccer team does well.
• If you’re a referee, you’d probably rather not have a potential replay rule change named after you. Too bad, Ed Hochuli.
• Donté Stallworth is very sorry that someone died.
• Grandpa Warner has hip surgery. His helmet next season will come with a radio and a hearing aid.
• Things are getting interesting in New York City sports talk radio. And by “interesting”, we of course mean “catty”.
• The Cubs are retiring the number shared by Fergie Jenkins and Greg Maddux. Cubs fans would have settled for retiring Dallas Green before letting Maddux escape to Atlanta in his prime.
• Also, you don’t apparently have to live near the USOC to lay off 13 percent of your staff. And we doubted the USOC CEO!

We know Major League Baseball wants us to get excited about the World Baseball Classic, especially since there may be no major leaguers left to play in the tourney if they all keep dropping out.  However, we’re pretty sure Bud Selig sent out his PR strike team to tranquilize and drag off Tommy Lasorda at one of the WBC press opportunities on the top of the Empire State Building after Tommy got on a verbal roll.

Tommy, always the irascible octogenarian, didn’t just encourage Americans to root for the US team in the WBC (and watch and buy T-shirts, no doubt).  He told the assembled reporters the following: “Remember one thing: In your hearts, you better pull for the USA or you may not get into heaven.” In heaven, there’s no pasta fagioli.
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So let me get this straight, Charles Barkley, who has yet to be convicted for DUI and said all he wanted was some oral sex, has already lost his job and a mega endorsement deal. Meanwhile, teflon Tommy Lasorda, who last year was accused of soliciting oral sex from a prostitute (while watching porn) *shudder*, keeps his job with the Dodgers while also maintaining a mega endorsement with the Aamco transmission repair company.

During Lasorda’s ordeal, his attorney publicly threatened to slap a lawsuit on a woman who claimed in a book to have provided prostitutes for the former Dodger blowhard manager. Funny thing though, the lawsuit never went forward even though Lasorda’s lawyer said at the time, “if she prints these lies, I intend to sure.”

Well, she did - and Lasorda’s lawyer didn’t.

And everyone since in Los Angeles and around the country has seemingly forgotten about the incident. Especially the good folks at Aamco!

Enter Eddy Curry, who was recently sued by his former male limo driver. In the claim, the driver accused the NBA underachiever of numerous, sexually deviant acts against his person.  Curry has vehemently denied the accusations by the driver, and his lawyer has since gone on the offensive, assassinating the accuser’s reputation in the media.

And now, Curry’s lawyer is taking a page straight from the Lasorda-sex-act-defense playbook. Read more…

OK, you probably don’t know who the mayor of Los Angeles is. Not many do. But his name is Antonio Villaraigosa. Thanks to an embarrassing divorce (he cheated with local TV anchor) and non-stop political scandal during his brief tenure here, he’s become a laughingstock. (Think Kwame Kilpatrick.)

(Disgraced L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa’s burning dilemma)

Once a rising star in the Democratic party and a possible frontrunner for governor of California, he’s since become someone the party is trying to shoo out of sight. But despite Villaraigosa’s debacle of an administration, he continues to be a shameless media whore.

Take for instance last Monday night, which saw harrowing wildfires raging throughout northern Los Angeles, threatening property (19 homes were lost) and lives of local residents (two dead).

Meanwhile, the Dodgers played the Phillies 30 minutes away.

One guess where Villaraigosa ended up. Read more…

• Coming soon to a silver screen near you: Al Pacino as Tommy Lasorda.

• Oh, the football-playing kids these days, with their hijinks ‘n’ horseplay ‘n’ penchant for shoving broomsticks up each other’s butts.

• With one quick skip across The Pond, John Daly goes from white trash to Eurotrash.

• George O’Leary wants his players to kill - er, make that George O’Leary wants to kill his players.

• Not learning the lessons from Vai Sikahema’s slaughtering, Jose Canseco wants to go a few more rounds in the ring.

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With the Dodgers enjoying their best season since 1988, Tommy Lasorda is enjoying a resurgence in attention. So much so, that VARIETY is reporting that a Lasorda biopic is on the “fast track for development” by Miramax. And who’s reportedly in line to play the pudgy Dodger legend? None other than the star of such critical favorites as 88 Minutes and Righteous Kill. Al Pacino has been phoning it in for the better part of a decade, so perhaps he’s looking forward to playing a part where he can just eat spaghetti all day for six months. As long as Josh Brolin plays Kirk Gibson, I’ll be happy.

The Rays and Red Sox announced that James Shields and Daisuke Matsuzaka, respectively, will start in the first game of the ALCS on Friday night at the legendary Trop. It’s just not October without domed baseball in Florida. Speaking of the Trop — there’s finally a reason for fans to show up to games, and now they’ve gone and reduced the stadium’s capacity. Unlike other stadiums that block off sections of seats during the regular season, the Rays have elected not to take the tarp off the top third of the upper deck for the playoffs (like Florida and Oakland have done previously), and in fact now have fewer seats available because an area called the “party deck” is being used as an auxiliary media area. The park once sat more than 45,000 for baseball, but will hold only 35,041 during the ALCS.

Meanwhile, Philly is preparing to host its first LCS game since 1993. Cole Hamels will face Derek Lowe in Game 1. But people are still talking about a play from the 1977 NLCS, when the Dodgers’ Davy Lopes was called safe at first on a ground ball to the Phillies’ Larry Bowa. Bowa, who is now the third-base coach for the Dodgers, still claims Lopes was out. Lopes is now the first-base coach for the Phillies and says Bowa should get over it.

The Chris Duhon era got off to a rousing start last night for the Knicks, as he went 1-for-7 with seven turnovers in a New York loss to the Raptors.  His backup scored 10 points off the bench, though. They should totally give that guy a chance to play more.

The NHL season gets underway domestically this evening when the defending champion Red Wings take on the defending perennial disappointment Maple Leafs in Detroit. The pregame banner ceremony will be a little weird for the Wings’ Marian Hossa, who lost the in Cup finals as a member of the Penguins last year.

The Cubs began putting together next year’s soul-crushing club by picking up Rich Harden’s $7 million option. The option was exercised after a medical examination determined that Harden didn’t have any tears in his shoulder. Because, being that he’s both Rich Harden and a Cub, the exam was supposed to reveal that his shoulder is comprised solely of masking tape and dental floss.

• There’s nothing like getting all fired up for your team’s big rugby match and then seeing them run out of the tunnel wearing these:

And you thought the Oregon Ducks had hideous uniforms.

• PHILLY.COM says that Flyers owner Ed Snider is such a booster of the McCain campaign that he’s having Sarah Palin drop the puck at the team’s home opener on Saturday.

• What do you mean there’s no Flozell Adams living in Winemucca? According to the DALLAS MORNING NEWS, somebody attempted to fraudulently register the entire Cowboys starting lineup to vote in Nevada.

• Kansas is still trying to squash the “rip his f***ing head off” chant that students shout on every kickoff, with ESPN2 rolling into town this weekend. The WIZ OF ODDS says they might go as far as having Mark Mangino address the student body.

• Washington State is punting with underinflated balls and now has an architecture student on board as a backup quarterback, according to this notebook on OREGONLIVE.COM. Peter Roberts won the job in open tryouts, and coach Paul Wulff has already forgotten the kid’s name. Cougar fever is at an all-time high.

• It’s a good thing all those Olympians gave gallon-size urine samples, since WADA is now going to go back and test every sample for new-fangled drug (AP).

• WITH LEATHER alerts us to collector’s items everyone nobody is talking about: Penn State faculty trading cards!

• This article from Japan’s DAILY YOMIURI is written in English, and yet is completely unintelligible. Something about sumo cushions, and how we shouldn’t throw them. Great headline, though.

• To recap: Fort Wayne’s sports mascots are now the Mastadons, the Mad Ants, and the Tin Caps. The FORT WAYNE JOURNAL-GAZETTE informs us that the new nickname for the city’s baseball team has something to do with Johnny Appleseed. Naturally, the team’s logo is an angry apple wearing a tin can on its head.

• A guy who was skinny dipping at a University of Massachusetts football game kneed a police officer in the groin, so says the AP (via the SEATTLE P-I). Officer gets morphine, may miss two weeks. Yes, you read all that right.

The NBA season starts tonight in SoCal, with the Lakers playing the Jazz in Anacrime in a preseason money grab game. Up the 5 Freeway this afternoon, the Clippers, like most of us at the moment, are tightening their financial belt by eliminating the NBA’s only million-dollar mascot (wait, the Phoenix Suns Gorilla makes what?!!).

Team GM Elgin Baylor was cut loose by club owner Donald Sterling, and he’s none to happy about it. Why, I have no idea, as Baylor has been on the free money gravy train for many, many years. He has been the team’s General Manager for the past decade in title only, and had about as much positive impact in the Clips’ court affairs as O.J. Simpson just did in Vegas.

Baylor to the LAT:

“There is a dispute, and on the advice of my attorney they did not want me to discuss it,” Baylor said. “That’s all I can say.”

There’s no truth to the rumor that Baylor has drafted Yale Galanter to make his case in the dispute.

It is kinda sad though that Baylor, who has his former Laker #23 hanging in the Staples Center rafters, won’t be around for Clips games this season. He was a fun, elder statesman type. And a pretty good dude, at least in my dealings with him. And most importantly, symbolic of the lovably futile nature of the NBA’s saddest sack franchise.

But that won’t stop me from hittin’ it with the Clips this season, and My Boy Barry has more season tickets for Clippers and Lakers than anyone on the planet. Including preseason.

So here in L.A., we’re all waiting for the Jojers and Fightin’ Phils to crank it up on Thursday. Today on local sports talk radio, there was a lot of crowing going on by Dodgers fans as they happily dumped on the fallen Angels. Out of that discussion, I heard the first funny thing come out of Tommy Lasorda’s mouth (kinda) since he claimed he didn’t patronize prostitutes. Read more…

If you want to avoid the appearance of a conflict of interest as MLB Commissioner, you might not want to throw out the first pitch before a home playoff game of the team you used to own. But that’s exactly what the MILWAUKEE JOURNAL SENTINEL says Bud Selig did before Game 4 of the Brewers’ NLDS game against the Phillies. (Not that I trust the Commissioner to have the brains to fix a flat tire much less a playoff series, mind you.)

And he was cheered, loudly, by the fans after he threw a strike. Thus disproving the notion that he’s been such a clueless Commissioner that he would get booed out of any stadium in baseball. Unfortunately, after suspicions were aroused by his throw, he was subject to a random urine sample and found to have been doping by cutting his Metamucil with creatine.

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In a way, the Trix Rabbit is very much a metaphor for the American Dream. Every red-blooded American wants that shiny pot of gold, or cereal. And the Trix Rabbit, God bless him, never gets it.

Much like the New York Mets, who wanted those tickets to the postseason so badly last year, but never got it. And this year, plus Johan Santana, the same fate has been bestowed on Those Ovarachievin(?) Amazins.

(Bright Side: Mets owner launches comedy career on heels of team’s collapse)

One man who seems to be eating plenty of cereal, CC Sabathia, was mostly the reason the Mets’ loss sent them out of the Wild Card hunt. His complete game sent Milwaukee (Algonquin for “the playoff land”) to their first postseason series since 1982 (and set off a Prince Fielder postgame celebration that inspired Japanese porno aficionados long-suffering Brewers fans):

Meanwhile, I think the Detroit Tigers have had just about enough cereal. They’re full, but MLB is force feeding them breakfast foods as they have to travel to Chicago and make up their 162 game against the White Sox to determine the AL Central winner.

If the Soxo Blanco win, they force another bonus game, this time against Minnesota, with the victor earning a playoff spot against Tampa. If they lose — against former Sox pitcher Freddy Garcia, no less — then Minnesota wins outright, and hopefully we can stop talking about Detroit baseball altogether. (Although I surmise they’ll force them to keep playing meaningless baseball games against the Indians until November.)

Your playoff pairings, sans Tampa:
Red Sox-Angels, starts Wednesday at 10 p.m. (Josh Beckett)
Brewers-Phillies, starts Wednesday at 3 p.m.
Dodgers-Cubs, starts Wednesday at 6:30 p.m.

But could playoffs be in the future of this man?

Yes, that’s Kerry Collins, of the Tennessee Collinses. At a robust 36 years old, he’s led the Titans to a win over the Minnesota Vikings and a 4-0 record. One other team has a perfect 4-0 record, and it’s the Buffalo Bills. So maybe it’s not so impressive if Buffalo can do it too.

Denver would have been 4-0, but the Hochulian karma finally caught up to them as they dropped a sulfurous egg in Kansas City, losing 33-19 to the Chiefs. Strangely, this puts Mike Shanahan — with ALL those career wins — at 3-11 in games at Arrowhead Stadium, notes KSNT/TOPEKA.

Dallas might also be 4-0 were it not for the fervent Washington Redskins, who never trailed past the second quarter, who prevailed 26-24 over their Cowboyish rivals. As the DALLAS MORNING NEWS points out, football genius/wide receiver Terrell Owens knows why his team lost: it’s because he didn’t get the ball enough. Never mind that of the team’s 60 plays, 20 of them were either touched by or thrown to him. Honestly, if it was just Romo, T.O., and nine linemen out there, nobody could beat them. Marion Barber had 26 yards on eight carries, which was 26 yards that Owens could have accumulated instead. What a selfish running back, always thinking about himself.

Also: Brett Favre never threw six touchdowns in a game before? Seriously? Next thing you’re going to tell me, Hank Aaron never knocked three dingers in a game.

We’ve always shared ten links in the SbB Speed Read, but don’t let that stop you from thinking this is our career high:

• THE SPORTS HERNIA finds out who Mets fans think are No. 1.
• In non-bird flipping news, Jeremy Cothran of the NEWARK STAR LEDGER recounts the final depressing day at Shea
• THE DUGOUT struggles with the NL Cy Young winner, finding out playoff berths won’t be a factor.
• Rob Parker of the DETROIT NEWS has no problem with Tigers pitching coach Chuck Hernandez standing behind Matt Millen in Michigan’s unemployment line.
• DEUCE OF DAVENPORT catches wind of San Francisco’s battle to remove Tommy Lasorda from their local Italian-American parade — because he’s not a local boy.
• Gary Shelton of the ST. PETE TIMES depicts Buccaneers kicker Matt Bryant’s extremely heartbreaking week.
• Who’s #1: Alabama or Oklahoma? The TUSCON CITIZEN’s Anthony Gimino is seeing Crimson in his eyes over the AP voter’s pick of the Sooners.
• Move over, Kevin Johnson. Former Pistons Hall-of-Famer Dave Bing has his eyes on a mayoral bid, in this case, Detroit. Hey, anyone has to be an improvement over Hizzonor, Kwame Kilpatrick.
• They may have finally won a game, but after a sloppy win over the Bengals and headed into a bye week, Bob Hunter of the COLUMBUS DISPATCH is calling for Brady Quinn to start their next game against the Giants.
• Day old news, but it really needs mentioning. The career-ending injury of Ball State’s Dante Love last week showed up in unrequited love, support and fundraising from Cardinals fans during their 41-20 win over Kent State, the MUNCIE STAR PRESS reports. As an aside: At 5-0, and given their weak schedule from here on out, you might look no further than Muncie, Indiana as the home of year’s undefeated team that will not make the BCS.

Moving Day! I’m outta Miami this afternoon. Really excited, as I’m off to traverse the vast, fruited plain of our great nation, plumbing the depths of the valleys and climbing ever-higher, to the highest Nubian Peak:

(That’s almost as good as this- thanks Orson!)

By now you’ve probably seen Punter’s post on the Giants’ Super Bowl rings getting stolen from a jewelry store located just 10 miles from the Patriots’ offices. I’ve since heard from a league source that the rings were soon to be delivered to additional club employees (the players, coaches and top front office staff got theirs first).

So with the news of the heist, boy is Vladimir Putin ever pissed!

I’ve got some breaking news for LSU fans:

Nebraska was not a slave state.

From the Dept. of Unfounded, Uncalled-For Cheap Shots, I give you the NEW YORK DAILY NEWS: “Was that really the woman who accused Kobe Bryant of rape in Colorado at one of the Lakers-Celtics games in Boston? A source swears he saw her. Something seemed to be distracting Bryant.”

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