The Oakland Raiders: they put the “Holy crap, Coach just slugged an assistant!” in “dysfunction.” At least, we’ll have to assume that’s what happened, as Raiders head coach Tom Cable (who is not, by the way, in way over his head) didn’t do much to clarify reports that he broke the jaw of defensive assistant coach Randy Hanson with a sucker punch, with his only response being that “it’s an internal issue and we’re dealing with it, and that’s all I’m going to say.”

That sure didn’t sound like a denial, and “dealing with it” sure seems like code for “I’m going to use a tire iron to cave in the head of the next pipsqueak who asks me about this.” The Raiders are becoming more like a sitcom every day. Sort of like “Coach“, but with less physical comedy and more physical assault.

 (Remember when Hayden Fox crushed Luther’s jaw with a punch? Me either.)

(Although I do love the episode where Coach smashed in Dauber’s face with a beer bottle after he lost the playbook right before the big game in a wacky mix-up.)

If Cable (who is totally qualified to be an NFL head coach and has the winning demeanor of a John Madden or Curly Lambeau) wasn’t admitting to anything on Monday, then at least his players were rolling over on him, starting a “Cable, Bumaye” chant during practice to mimic the cheers Muhammad Ali got from the African people before the “Rumble in the Jungle.”

And about Hanson: Raiders fans might remember, he’s the same coach that irritated Lane Kiffin so much that he “suspended him for one game, said he had medical issues and then tried to fire him” before Al Davis stepped in and backed Hanson, who apparently is one of his favorites. So Cable (who is not treading so much water that the band from “Titanic” is standing by) probably picked the worst person in the organization to slug except for Davis himself.

(Also, you have to wonder if one of those “medical conditions” that Kiffin tried to use to fire Hanson was a “permanent glass jaw”…)

Meanwhile, Beano Cook thinks that Syracuse should get a spot ready for another Heisman Trophy to go along with those representing Jim Brown and Ernie Davis. After all, if they found a way to get Ron Powlus back at QB, anything is possible. Of course, Beano Cook is a rambling old man, the kind who holds up the line at the supermarket so he can check every item on the receipt for errors.

So no, Syracuse didn’t get “Heisman” Powlus into their football program, but it’s close: they announced yesterday that former Duke point guard Greg Paulus will be the starting QB for their opening game against Minnesota. It’s either a testament to the athletic ability of Paulus - who hasn’t played football since high school but was once the Gatorade National Player of the Year - or the sorry state of Syracuse football that someone who has been out of the game for years is their best bet. I won’t say which one, but merely point out that Syracuse was 3-25 in the Big East the last four years.

Finally, let’s see…former WWE champion decides to become an MMA fighter. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. But this time we aren’t talking about a UFC heavyweight champion/Coors aficionado, but a new possible women’s MMA star. The DAYTON DAILY NEWS says that Lisa Marie Varon, who wrestled until recently in the WWE as Victoria, has been training for nearly a year and is ready to make her MMA debut soon.

On the positive side, Varon is a former bodybuilding and fitness model who was one of the most physical women’s wrestlers, and she is working with former UFC champ Rich Franklin’s trainer. The downsides are that she is 38, and has almost no fighting experience.

Still, she apparently is quite serious about this, and wants to become a part of the Strikeforce women’s division. While she might not talented enough to rival Christiane “Cyborg” Santos, I think we can agree that seeing Varon take on Gina Carano would be a much more attractive match-up.

In other sports news that you might have missed while celebrating the fact that The Kids In The Hall are getting back together for a TV project:

• No matter what, Scott Boras always wins. This time it was getting a last-minute deal done between the Washington Nationals and his client, No. 1 draft pick Stephen Strasburg. The price tag? Just a cool four years and $15 million - almost double what the Cubs signed Mark Prior for in 2001 in what had been the previous largest contract for a draft pick.



• The NEW YORK TIMES wonders if Y.E. Yang’s shocking victory over Tiger Woods in the PGA Championship will start a golfing boom in Asia that could help the PGA Tour. Because that’s worked so well for the LPGA…
• Speaking of which, CNBC’s Darren Rovell says that other than Yang, the biggest winner on Sunday might have been Le Coq Sportif, the clothing line whose red rooster logo got almost $2 million of free air time during final round coverage.
• The Lingerie Football League has released its preseason “All Fantasy Team“, but BUSTED COVERAGE wants to know if you should be more insulted to be a third-team offensive lineman or first-team offensive lineman.
• Stephen Good might be the starting right guard for the Oklahoma Sooners, but EVERY DAY SHOULD BE SATURDAY says there’s one thing that terrifies him more than losing to Texas: Clowns, especially Pennywise from “It”. No word on if he wet the bed when Bozo the Clown came on as a kid.
• Sad news from the CHARLOTTE OBSERVER: former North Carolina State LB Edrick Smith was killed early Sunday morning when a hit-and-run drunk driver smashed into the Honda Accord he was in, splitting it in two.
• NEWSOK.COM says that Oklahoma All-American TE Jermaine Gresham broke his vow of media silence last Friday … to give a “shout out” to Michael Vick for being signed by the Eagles. Also, he gave “mad props” to attempted Presidential assassin/Manson Family member Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme for being released from prison.
• Great, another “Polish canoeist goes nuts on the way to World Championships and forces plane into emergency landing” story.
• Two men from Honolulu were arrested in Las Vegas for having pot in their car after leading police on a short chase. Not much of a story, until you realize that the men were Honolulu cops in Nevada to play on a softball team in the Nevada Police & Fire Games. Needless to say, Dano has already booked them, and then beat them for being so stupid.
• This might be a bit more than gamesmanship: a top British rugby team was having players use fake blood so they could substitute in better kickers during key stages of games.

• An ex-University of New Mexico employee sues the football department, claiming that the Lobos are only looking to employ lovely young ladies.

(“Hey, that bikini is in our school colors! You’re hired!”)

• South Africa can’t seem to give World Cup tickets away, but they’re going to try anyway.

• Washington Nationals broadcasters take some on-air time lambasting Scott Boras and his high-priced client, Stephen Strasburg.

• Speaking of D.C., Redskins backup QB Colt Brennan denies hooking up with Jessica Simpson. Hope you enjoyed your 15 minutes, Colt.

• Brendan Haywood doesn’t think much of Stephon Marbury’s latest online entertainment, but does think he might be gay.

Read more…

Holy Buddy Ryan — did Tom Cable really break the jaw of Oakland Raiders assistant coach Randy Hanson at practice recently? In a story first reported by the NATIONAL FOOTBALL POST this morning, and now being confirmed by the SAN JOSE MERCURY NEWS, Cable was involved in “an altercation” with one of his assistants earlier this month at the team’s Napa practice facility, and that assistant was treated for a broken jaw at Queen of the Valley Hospital on August 6.

Welcome to Al Davis’ world, in case you’re new to all of this. It’s a land ruled by dysfunction, where Davis and his flying monkeys watch practice in a crystal ball from a castle tower, coaches come and go with the frequency of a Tokyo subway train, and disputes are settled the old-fashioned way.

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When Al Davis plucked Tom Cable out of relative obscurity and make him head coach last year, there were concerns that he wouldn’t be up for the task at hand and might be in over his head. Reading this story about his his first training camp as a head coach in the SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE isn’t exactly inspiring confidence, as he’s decided to take a revolutionary approach to training camp: no contact.

(Tom Cable gets back to basics by telling players what a football is.)

And I don’t mean “limiting contact drills,” either. For the first four days of training camp, players are getting “back to basics” by spending two-a-days hitting the books and walking through drills designed to reinforce fundamentals. Basically, it’s training camp except without all of those nasty things like training, working out, or anything above a mild level of physical exertion.

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• Tony Kornheiser has called it quits with his “Monday Night Football” gig. In his place will be ex-Buccaneers coach Jon Gruden.

• And we’re sure Chucky will get along great with his new employer, since he’s had so many nice things to say about the Worldwide Leader before.

• Hedo Turkoglu’s heroics help the Orlando Magic curse the Celtics to no title repeat this year.

• Padraig Harrington is now taking golf tips from “Happy Gilmore“.

• In response to the Matthew Johns group sex scandal, some are calling for the banishment of cheerleaders from Australian pro rugby matches.

Read more…

DeAngelo Hall has no ill will toward the Oakland Raiders; they did, after all, pay him $8 million last season even though he only played eight games. But Hall, now with the Redskins, isn’t above telling a humorous Al Davis story when prompted.

Hall was on WJFK radio in Washington, D.C. where, among other things, he told of the infamous press conference last year in which Davis outlined his grievances against fired head coach Lane Kiffin, and introduced Kiffin’s replacement, Tom Cable. One rather hilarious problem, however: Davis didn’t seem to know exactly who Cable was. Read more…

It’s been a few days since the whole Michael Phelps bong-gate exploded onto the scene, and the reaction has been overwhelmingly this: So?

(”Dude, I think I’m seeing robots”)

Well, now some people are wondering why it is exactly that everyone is giving Phelps a pass, especially the sponsors who pay him millions to represent their brands. This is a guy who was arrested for DUI in 2004 and now has been shown in public using an illegal drug (whether or not the drug should be illegal or the level of outrage that pot use should inspire is not the issue here). And it’s not like sponsors were overly harsh about this. If anything, they’ve been downright supportive.

The WASHINGTON POST’S Michael Wilbon isn’t really having it, and wrote a column critical of Phelps’ defenders that, to his credit, wasn’t filled with hyperbolic overreaction to the pot use itself:

There should be zero tolerance for (drinking and driving), and Phelps doesn’t get a pass for that, nor for his bong hit. The latter, in and of itself, certainly isn’t heinous. But it is stupid, given what’s at stake. And everybody excusing it, Sally, doesn’t help Phelps get the message that he’d better be careful and vigilant. Being granted a pass at every turn usually breeds a sense of being bulletproof, as we saw in the much more serious case of Michael Vick, who actually squandered $100 million or more. And Phelps isn’t cast in the role of bad boy or tough guy. His marketing representatives have set him up to be the guy who walks the straight-and-narrow. 

The DETROIT FREE-PRESS’ Drew Sharp makes a comparison between Phelps and Santonio Holmes, who was suspended for a game after being arrested for marijuana possession:

According to the police report, Holmes was cooperative and contrite. He wasn’t belligerent. He readily owned up to his mistake.

Holmes admitted to the Miami Herald a few days before the Super Bowl that as a teenager he sold drugs on a street corner near his Florida home. He thought it was time that he publicly acknowledged the poor decisions of his youth.

Maybe it would serve as an example to others at that age doing the same things because they don’t believe there’s a lawful alternative to changing their lives.

Applying the new Phelps standard for decorum when busted, shouldn’t Holmes get a free pass because he has fully acknowledged his sins and appears repentant?

Speaking of Holmes, he thanks all of us for the new $85,000 Escalade he was given by Cadillac for winning the Super Bowl MVP. He got to choose the Cadillac he wanted, and of course he picked the most expensive one…that is being subsidized by tax money.

A couple of months ago, I made the now ridiculous claim that North Carolina might win all of their basketball games this year. And even though I was off there, why have the Heels suddenly fallen off the radar? Sure, they lost two games, but there’s no indication that they are no longer the most talented team in the country. They’ve fought their way back up to the #3 ranking again and blasted Maryland 108-91 last night at the Dean Dome. UNC and Duke play their first of three games (because, let’s be honest, they’re playing each other in the ACC final) a week from tonight.

Manny Ramirez has turned down the Dodgers’ one-year offer of $25 million. Frank McCourt says he still wants Manny back, but concedes that eventually they’ll have to move on (perhaps to Adam Dunn and others). If talks fall through in L.A., who’s left? San Francisco seems to be the only other team willing to enter the discussion, now that Brian Cashman has said that the Yankees are done spending.

What started out as a bad day for Ray Allen ended pretty well for him. Allen buried a 3-pointer with 0.5 seconds left to beat the 76ers 100-99 in Philly for the Celtics’ 12th win in a row. The BOSTON GLOBE reports that Allen had flu symptoms during the day, including chills and a nosebleed — but then made a miraculous recovery after a “steamy” shower and a nap. To top it off, Jameer Nelson’s dislocated shoulder opened a spot on the All-Star team — one that may be filled by Allen, who scored 28 points in last year’s game as a replacement.

• The NEW YORK DAILY NEWS is now reporting that the substance Barry Bonds tested positive for in the sample seized by federal agents is in fact “The Clear.” If this is true, then we’ve really learned nothing because Bonds has already admitted to taking the substance. So much for that smoking gun.

• The DAILY MAIL says that David Beckham needs to stay in Europe to have any chance of playing for England in the 2010 World Cup, because coming back to MLS would apparently make him regress as a player so much as to become completely worthless in international competition.

(This Milan fan might be willing to convince Becks to stay in Europe)

• After weeks of searching for someone else (anyone else, really) to coach the team, the Raiders have finally just given up and brought back Tom Cable to get fired in October, according to the PRESS DEMOCRAT.

• Seems that the NBA has been listening to Bill Simmons, as they’ve started up a H-O-R-S-E competition for All-Star weekend. Participants TBA.

• HOME RUN DERBY brings us this video of a guy who made a portrait of Cal Ripken out of thumb tacks. My Lite-Brite Rob Deer suddenly seems so much less impressive.

• Kevin Costner is bringing a big-budget, but ultimately disappointing, minor-league baseball team to Zion, Illinois, according to CBS SPORTSLINE.

• IT’S METS FOR ME congratulates Omar Minaya for bidding against himself to sign Oliver Perez for $36 million when it looked like nobody else was prepared or willing to offer him anywhere near that much. In other news, the Mets are out of the Manny Ramirez sweepstakes.

• FOX NEWS BUSINESS is saying that some in Congress are pressuring Citigroup to pull out of its $400 million naming-rights deal with the Mets for their new stadium. No, it has nothing to do with money. It’s so that we all don’t have to be subjected to this god-awful logo anymore:

At least the Mets still have all that money Bernie Madoff’s been taking care of for them.

• If you’re going to come out of the stands to attack a referee, you probably should make sure the guy isn’t also a state trooper. Patrick Rempala didn’t do his homework, and now is charged with battery and resisting arrest after attacking the trooper/ref at a high school game in Indiana, so says the AP.

• A Manchester United supporter riding a bus home from Man U’s road win over West Bromwich really needed to pee, so he decided to go to the bathroom in the back of the bus. Unfortunately, he didn’t know the lay of the bus very well, because he opened the emergency exit, fell out, and then was hit and killed by a car. The guy was drunk, of course. UPI has the story.

I cringe when I hear the words “lynching” and “South Carolina” in the same sentence. But this is about as bizarre as it gets. THE STATE is reporting that Tanya Seymour, the wife of New England Patriots defensive lineman Richard Seymour, was arrested on Thursday and charged with second-degree lynching stemming from an incident at a New Year’s Eve party. (This is what happens when you change the channel from “Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve” to MTV without asking.)

I’m sure your initial reaction is the same as mine: lynching? Turns out that no ropes were used: PRO FOOTBALL TALK breaks down the South Carolina Code of Laws, which defines second-degree lynching as “any act of violence inflicted by a mob upon the body of another person and from which death does not result.” So maybe not quite as horrific as you would first think, but still not good.

Police allege that Tanya Seymour was among a group of people who “jumped” two women at a New Year’s Eve party after they had got into an argument and were asked to leave. The arrest affidavit claims that Tanya Seymour was part of the mob, and punched the two women several times in the face and body. Oddly enough, the affidavit also claims that she had use of illegally obtained scouting videos to prepare for the beatdown.

The injuries were fairly minor, including bruises, a busted lip and a sprained wrist. One of the women also claimed that her scalp was sore from having it pulled during the fight. And in one of the most obvious statements I’ve ever seen in a news story:

“The victims left after the attack, the incident report says.”

Really? Because I heard some people were making a run for another keg.

If convicted, Tanya Seymour faces up to 20 years in prison. The incident adds to the list of problems her husband has had to deal with in recent years, including his father killing his former girlfriend before killing himself. And if San Diego Chargers center Nick Hardwick thought Seymour was a dirty player, he really wouldn’t want to face his wife.

And speaking of beatdowns: Joe Torre might want to be leery if David Wells invites him to watch the Super Bowl with some of his buddies at his place this weekend.  The NEW YORK DAILY NEWS says that Wells has vowed to “knock him out” if he ever sees Torre on the street after his former skipper ripped him in his new book. Specifically, Torre compared Wells to Kevin Brown, except that “both make your life miserable, but David Wells meant to.”

And of course Wells has a great response to those allegations: sure, he was a total pain, but not on purpose. Like when he would yell at Torre in the locker room because the manager had the temerity to turn down his boombox when he was blasting it before the games. Or get in drunken fistfights at diners at all hours of the night.  Based on Wells’ health issues and Type 2 Diabetes, Torre might want to carry around some concealed Pixy Stix in case he needs a weapon to defend himself against an attack.

• …and No. 1 on David Letterman’s Top Ten Reasons He Likely Won’t Field an IndyCar Team This Year: no money. Not very funny, but then again, his partner Bobby Rahal isn’t laughing as he tells the INDIANAPOLIS STAR that while Rahal Letterman Racing will likely field a car at the Indianapolis 500, a lack of sponsorship will probably keep the team from the full IndyCar season.



• Meanwhile, the economic mess is also hitting north of the border, as THE CANADIAN PRESS reports that Toronto Blue Jays assistant general manager Bart Given was let go as a cost-cutting move. Or as part of a power play between the team’s interim CEO Paul Beeston and GM J.P. Ricciardi. Either way, Given gets to enjoy the Canadian unemployment system, which I believe includes 100 percent benefits and a free, stress-relieving massage.
• MMA JUNKIE has the life story of Helio Gracie, the Gracie family patriarch and pioneer in the creation and growth of mixed martial arts, who tapped out to the chokehold in the sky on Thursday morning in Rio de Janiero at 95. Naturally, he’ll be laid to rest in a wooden octagon.
• Congratulations to Tom Cable, as the SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE reports that the Oakland Raiders will be removing the “interim” label from his title and making him their permanent head coach. On the other hand, condolences to Tom Cable for becoming the Oakland Raiders’ permanent head coach.
• More economic cutbacks in NASCAR, as the CHARLOTTE OBSERVER notes that new rules to cut back on costs have been instituted in the Truck Series for 2009. The most shocking? All trucks will be replaced by 1974 El Caminos.
• Usually a 61-52 loss would be cause for concern, but it’s pretty understandable when the team on the losing end is North Carolina State and it’s their first game since the death of their legendary coach Kay Yow. The WINSTON-SALEM JOURNAL has details of their painful first game back.
• Really, Bobby Estalella is the smoking gun in the Feds’ case against Barry Bonds? ESPN.COM has the latest information, although I’m shocked that Jeff Kent hasn’t volunteered to bury Barry yet.
• How often is the marquee men’s college basketball game of the night in the West Coast Conference? Gonzaga stops St. Mary’s 15-game winning streak by handing the Gaels a 69-62 defeat.
• More legal woes for Lenny Dykstra: TMZ reports that he’s being sued by four pilots who say Nails stiffed them for flying his private plane.
• SOCCER AMERICA says that the San Jose Earthquakes are set to make millions from their latest sponsorship deal: they’ll be wearing the Amway logo on their jerseys. The downside is that their players will be going door-to-door selling household products.

Typing that headline above was difficult, because I don’t think even the first half has ever been said by anybody ever. Peyton Manning is not average. He is not human. He’s still the guy who had the record for most passing TDs for a few years before last season’s ridiculousness that was Tom Brady and the Patriots*. And yet there he was at Lambeau today, throwing for 229 yards and two touchdowns. The teensy eensy problem with that line is that those touchdowns were for Green Bay, who slapped the Colts around and led by as many as 27 points up until garbage time. 34-14 is your final.

Yes, the Green Bay offense only outscored Indianapolis‘ offense by a count of 20-14, but the rest of the stats confirm the domination. Green Bay racked up 23 first downs, punted all of twice today (both boomed for touchbacks), and kept the ball for over 33 minutes, tiring a Colts defense that obviously misses reigning Defensive POY Bob Sanders.

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• Ricky Williams really wanted to get high during the Dolphins’ bye - but the RB had the strength to spike such smoky thoughts.

• The Steelers & Ravens really played some smashmouth football Monday night - along with smashed legs, smashed shoulders, smashed knees, etc.

• Oakland Raiders assistant Randy Hanson says Lane Kiffin was trying to sabotage his career. Well, Randy won’t have to worry about that anymore.

• A school that hasn’t even played its first basketball game has fired their coach - for excessive swearing, dammit.

• Josh Howard says he’s sorry he talked smack about the Star Spangled Banner.

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