In the wake of last night’s COACHFAIL in the Pats-Colts game, the universe and its mom have been leveling unvarnished invective at Bill Belichick. Rightly so, at first blush; with a few seconds before the 2 minute warning and protecting a dwindling 34-28 lead, Belichick opted to go for it on 4th and 2… from New England’s own 28 yard line. The try failed by a slim margin, the Colts took over, and Peyton Manning calmly guided his team to the winning touchdown with 13 seconds to play. Ballgame.

(Wanna get away?)

So, yeah. Going for it and failing from the hinterlands of Obvious Punt Territory - soon to become the USA’s 51st state -  and watching the game slip away immediately afterwards is an unforgivably bad decision, yes? Well, not so much. Contrary to immediate intuition, it was, in fact, the Patriots’ best chance at winning the game.

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Ever wonder which of your favorite athletes will be unavailable to sign autographs in Heaven? In case you were planning on hobnobbing with Tom Brady up there, think again. According to one North Carolina church, he’ll be hanging out in the other pace. And they don’t mean Newark.

According to the Amazing Grace Baptist Church (Canton, N.C.) Brady, along with several other athletes, are headed to straight to hell. In Brady’s case, it’s chiefly because he “has an unwed child,” and “commits fornication.” But that’s nothing compared to Joakim Noah, who, says the church, is going to hell because he “Has long hair, which is disobedient to the Word of God.”

I’ve been meaning to get it trimmed. Who knew that a long wait at Supercuts would result in eternal damnation? Read more…

For those who can’t bear to subject themselves to the NBC studio shows, what with Football Night in America being so overproduced it makes T-Pain seem “gritty” by comparison, you probably missed Rodney Harrison continuing his crusade to turn himself into the court jester of today’s crop of NFL television analysts*.

(”Plus, dude, purple totally clashes with the uniform.”)

In this instance, Tom Brady had just thrown a pass in the pocket when he was hit in the knee by Terrell Suggs (and rather lightly at that), prompting a 15-yard roughing the passer flag at Brady’s demonstrative request. Afterward, Harrison took what should have been an interesting debate about the new NFL rules protecting the quarterback in the pocket and instead turned into an OMG controversy about just Harrison, Brady, and “manhood.” Oh, great. Awesome. Video of the play in question and Harrison’s “controversial” remark after the break.

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• Rock Chalk Jayh…POW! Fights break out between football and basketball players for the University of Kansas - and some claim that a couple of n-bombs were dropped.

• An Iowa inmate gets let out of jail for the day so he can go see the Red Sox play the Royals in person.

• Two Costa Rican paparazzi are suing Tom Brady for being shot at during his wedding to Gisele. Brady’s reaction? “I go no reaction to that one.”

• Flummoxed by your fantasy football failings? ESPN is offering to help the old-fashioned way - with a toll-free phone number.

• When it comes to NCAA sanctions, the BCS schools often get lighter sentences than their non-BCS brethren.

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You may recall the Tom Brady-Gisele Bundchen wedding, v 2.0, this past April which featured an open bar, monkeys and intermittent gunplay. Two members of the paparazzi who hid in the jungle taking photos on the sly said that security guards hired by Brady tried to muscle them for their cameras, and then shot at them when they ran for it.

The photographers, Yuri Cortez and Carlos Avi, have filed a $1 million lawsuit against Brady and his bride over the incident. The claim that Brady hired a security force that wasn’t properly trained, and that the whole thing too closely resembled various scenes from “Romancing the Stone.” Anyway, here’s Brady’s reaction this morning:

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You know the Bills have had a rough history when they can completely blow a game like they did last night, and you can think of like five worse that have happened to them over the years off the top of your head. Buffalo used a poorly-timed fumble on a kickoff that never should’ve been returned to come from ahead and lose to the Patriots, 25-24, in both teams’ season opener.

(These guys have three Super Bowl rings between them)

It wasn’t a completely devastating loss for the Bills (they were, of course, supposed to lose). It’s not like Vincent Gallo’s going to make a movie about it or anything. But at this rate, the people of upstate New York are just going to start hoping the team moves to Toronto so they don’t have to be so miserable all the time. They also should be happy to know that Brady told his New England teammates that he “knew” the Bills would let them back into the game late.

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Nov. 21, 1998.

(Brady’s ‘98 performance @ OSU inspired GPS technology we know today!)

I stood on the sidelines at Ohio Stadium on that miserably cold, gray day, witnessing the above play out over, and over, and over … for 3 1/2 looong hours.

That is, watching then-willowy Wolverine Tom Brady, a junior at the time, get sacked (3:09) seven times while taking the most vicious beating I’ve seen a quarterback endure in my entire 20+ years of covering college football. (In addition to bludgeoning Brady, OSU won 31-16)

(Saturday: Will I need to locate Brady’s owie towel for USC QB in Columbus?) 

Saturday at the L.A. Coliseum I watched a slightly less courageous performance by USC true freshman QB Matt Barkley. In a first-and-only cram session before his ‘Shoe debut, Barkley oversaw an offense one could generously ascribe as ‘basic’ in the Trojans’ trucking of embarrassingly undermanned San Jose St.

If you think I’m island-bound in that assessment, read the L.A. DAILY NEWS’ less-than-enamored accounting. Then read Barkley’s postgame quote about an Ohio Stadium crowd he’ll attempt to stand down in seven days. Read more…

Yawn, another sleepy Satu–WE INTERRUPT THIS POST FOR AN IMPORTANT DREAMBOAT ALERT. Tom Brady has a sore shoulder! Stop the presses. Sound the alarum bells. All hands on deck: Mortensen! Schefter! Hell, get Peter Gammons in here! Someone fire up the ESPN overkill machine! Go! Go! Go! (!!!) Doesn’t Haynesworth know we’ve got a redemption/comeback storyline that needs to be beaten into the ground all season?  EVERYBODY PANIC!

(Behold the awesome power of MS Paint.)

Given the Patriots’ secretive nature about injuries and the media’s ability to work itself into a lather at the drop of a hat, it’s hard to know the extent of the injury. Thankfully, one man had the balls and the Rolodex big enough to cut the crap and get to the bottom of things: Investigative Reporter Chad Ochocinco!

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• The harrowing story of Brett The Goat: From awaiting ritualistic slaughter while tied up in the trunk of a freaky Favre-hater, to his daring rescue by Minnesota auto mechanics & his settling down in the safe haven of a well-known Wisconsin farm.

Disney & Dreamworks are dueling for the movie rights as we speak!

• Speaking of the other Brett, the SbB Favre Embargo has officially ended. Shall we do it again?

• Punts at the new Cowboys Stadium keep getting blocked by the big HD screen above the field. Whose fault is it - Jerry Jones or the NFL?

• Venice Beach: A great place for spotting topless ladies - and their kids!

• NCAA schools are looking to trim budgets by bringing to a halt the practice of hosting football players in hotels for home games.

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It’s becoming a pretty well accepted fact nowadays that the NFL is full of dangerous madmen. Between all the dog fighting, the sweatpants shootings, and the cabbie beatings, it could be harmful to your health even being in the same stadium as the NFL’s gridiron ruffians. Hell, you could even end up with a black eye just watching them on TV - that’s how dangerous these folks are.

(Beware.)

Take Patriots QB Tom Brady, for example. Everyone knows Dreamboat is a menace to society, blinding people with his gleaming white teeth and making women worldwide faint on sight. But what you probably didn’t know is that Brady is the fourth-most dangerous celebrity on the entire planet. Well, now you know. Beware the Dreamboat, folks, he’ll mess your s*** up.

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