Speed Read: Prez Candidates Grilled By Boomer

Have you voted yet? Why haven’t you voted yet? Why do you hate democracy so much? You know who loves democracy and elections? Chris Berman. That’s why we had Barack “And A Hard Place” Obama and John “Raising” McCain being interviewed by The Swami at halftime of Monday Night Football, answering the hard-hitting questions on topics such as health care, specifically their stance on importing medicine from Canada.

Obama and McCain on MNF

Actually, they didn’t give their stance on “222s,” although that would have been more enlightening than what we got out of each candidate. I saw Bob Costas interview President George W. Bush during the Olympics, and Chris Berman is no Bob Costas.

Here’s what each candidate would change about sports: McCain would get tough on steroids, while Obama would put a playoff in place for college football. That McCain chose a topic six months past relevancy while Obama went for the classic suck-up that all sports fans care about shows why the polls stand where they do.

Judge for yourself. First, Sen. Obama:

…and Sen. McCain:

And, oh yeah, there was a football game last night! And to draw a Presidential Election analogy, the Redskins played Walter Mondale to the Steelers’ Ronald Reagan (anyone under 30 should look it up on Wikipedia), as Pittsburgh rolled to a 23-6 victory. The only downside for Pittsburgh? Ben Roethlisberger left at halftime with a bum shoulder.

Ben Roethlisberger sacked

How come Pittsburgh has someone like Byron Leftwich as their back-up QB, but the Cowboys’ choices post-Tony Romo resemble the Republican ticket: ancient (Brad Johnson) and ineptly overmatched (Brooks Bollinger)?

Here’s what else happened last night for you to read before you get out and vote because it’s your civic duty as Americans and your fathers died for this right and if you don’t vote you are spitting in the graves of dead soldiers from World War I and the ghost of Teddy Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln will haunt you until your death (maybe I’m being a bit hyperbolic, but you really should vote):

Brady Quinn

  • Break out the hair gel and popped collars, and get ready to cover your junk: the CLEVELAND PLAIN DEALER says the Brady Quinn era for the Browns will officially begin on Thursday, as the strapping young man gets the nod ahead of Derek “I Suck” Anderson for Cleveland’s game against Denver.
  • UFC middleweight Chris Leben might want to consider changing his nickname from “The Crippler” to “The Juicer” after MMA JUNKIE reports that he has been suspended for nine months after testing positive for steroids. John McCain would put Leben over his knee and give him a firm paddling if he’s elected President.
  • The BOSTON GLOBE brings news that Theo Epstein has signed a new contract with the Red Sox to stay on as GM. Epstein held out until the team promised to pick up all gorilla suit-related dry cleaning bills.
  • From the Jim Fixx Memorial Department of Irony: two runners died of heart attacks after finishing the New York Marathon, according to the NEW YORK TIMES. I’ll choose to die of a heart attack while eating a Hot Pocket and watching Antiques Roadshow, the way God intended it.
  • The LAS VEGAS SUN says the sun is setting on Greg Maddux, as the future Hall of Famer is finally set to call it a career after 23 seasons and 367 wins.
  • Meanwhile, the DALLAS MORNING NEWS has news that Greg’s brother Mike Maddux has been named pitching coach for the Texas Rangers, as he can teach them everything he learned about being a throughly mediocre-to-average pitcher (which would be a drastic improvement for the Rangers).
  • The AP notes that Ken Mink, the 73-year-old college basketball player at Roane State Community College, scored two points last night in his team’s 93-42 win over the King’s College JV team. Maybe John McCain will have something to look forward to post-election after all…
  • Breathe a sigh of relief, Bears fans, the CHICAGO TRIBUNE soothes your worries about the 2008 season going down the tubes: Kyle Orton does not have ligament damage in his ankle, meaning your time with Sexy Rexy at QB could be as short as three games.
  • The BUDAPEST TIMES reports that former Hungarian Olympic athlete Krisztián Tölgyesi has been arrested after numerous explosive devices were found in his car. John McCain has no opinion on this, as long as they weren’t fueled by steroids.
  • Iowa can’t seem to stop getting their football players arrested, as the CEDAR RAPIDS GAZETTE has word that Hawkeyes DB Harold Dalton has pleaded guilty to three booze-related charges after a fight at a bar on Sunday. That’s three arrests this season for Iowa players, if you’re keeping track.

The hell with secret ballots: who are you voting for today for President?

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Mariners Could Make Kim Ng First Vowel-less GM

General Manager of Major League Baseball team has to rank very highly on the list of ultimate dream jobs. There’s no official rankings that I know of, but it has to be right near the top. You don’t see millions of people pretending they are in footwear sales by logging in to their Fantasy Foot Locker league.

Kim Ng

That job unfortunately is not for everyone. Seems as though the club is only looking for a “certain type” to join their ranks. Take a look at this list of the current MLB general managers and see if you notice what they all have in common.

That’s right. They all have vowels in their last name. All of them. Red Sox GM, Theo Epstein and Colorado Rockies’ GM Dan O’Dowd’s last names even start with vowels. The Seattle Mariners, however, are reportedly considering breaking down the barriers and going with Los Angeles Dodgers assistant GM Kim Ng to be their next general manager. Ng is also a woman too, so she would also be the first GM to have a vagina, which is also kind of a big deal too.

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World Would Implode If Manny Was Manny in NYC

The best idea I’ve heard in 2008 is absolutely the straight-up trade of Manny Ramirez for Brett Favre that TIRICO SUAVE recently threw out. Sadly though, it’s not likely to happen. But as Dan Shaughnessy noted, Manny has to go somewhere other than Boston. Or else, *gasp*, he (Dan) would be wrong.

Manny GB

And if you listen to the NEWARK (NJ) STAR LEDGER, that place could be the New York Mets. Oh, the fun we would have with Manny in the Big Apple.

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ManRam Could Be On The Move Out Of Boston

It would be extremely difficult to imagine Manny Ramirez in anything other than a Boston Red Sox jersey. Yes, I know that he established himself as a monster at the plate while with Cleveland, but when I think of the double finger point, MBM and all the crazy goodness that comes with ManRam, I think of Boston. Really it’s the only thing keeping me from liking the Yankees more at this point.


But all of that could change. And might be changing, writes Dan Shaughnessy of the BOSTON GLOBE. Actually, Shaughnessy says it is changing. And that Manny is more or less already gone.

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Red Sox Attempt at World Domination Discovered

Jacoby Ellsbury has signed on to promote yet another vitamin drink. Normally, we’d agree with you that this is a non-starter, but we’ve been monitoring the Red Sox situation closely over the last few months and we believe this is the final piece to the puzzle that Theo Epstein has been constructing for years. Bear with us as we explain.

Young Frankenstein

The mad Dr. Epstein (pronounced ‘ep-SCHTEEN’ when he’s in the lab, thank you very much) has been constructing the world’s most perfect man in the bowels of Fenway Park. He plans to use his creation to first rule the American League and eventually the entire world. Yes, it’s true. We were as shocked as you are when we finally figured it out.

This Übermensch has the strength of David Ortíz, the brain of its creator, the speed of Coco Crisp (and now you know why he hasn’t been traded yet), the charisma and leadership of Jason Varitek, the flexibility and dancing of Dustin Pedroia (not to mention his grit), the playfulness of Manny Ramírez, and now the vitamin-induced stamina of Jacoby Ellsbury.

Through great personal risk, we have obtained grainy video of this beast-man possessing all these traits meant to make the Ladies… weak in the knees and the men quake in his presence. Brace yourself…

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