A Day Off From Jail To Go See The Red Sox Play?

 If you’ve been sentenced to 10 days in jail, there are probably only two places in the country where you might be released for a day in order to watch a baseball game. One of course would be Mayberry, N.C., where they keep the key to the cells within arm’s reach of the prisoners (see photo below). The other, as it turns out, is Keosauqua, Iowa.

Otis Campbell

Meet Randy Aaron Barker, who is serving a 10-day sentence in the Van Buren County Jail for interference with official acts and violation of a protective order (hey, we’ve all been there). But he really, really wanted to attend the Red Sox-Royals game in Kansas City on Monday, and like Sheriff Andy Taylor, the judge saw no problem with that. Just be sure to be back in your cell by 8 a.m. Tuesday morning, Randy. Read more…

Speed Read: An Evening Of Florida Pillow-Fighting

Normally, you don’t see a broadcast booth spend a plurality of a football game raving about the “time of possession” statistic. Then again, normally, you don’t see a team win said battle by a full 30 minutes of game time, which is precisely what Miami did to Indianapolis last night. And then again, you don’t normally see a team control the ball for fewer than 15 minutes of the game… and win anyway.

Pierre Garcon gets two thumbs down
(”Okay, so you just scored the go-ahead touchdown. Allow me to retort: BOOOO THUMBS DOWN TO YOU BOOOOOOO!”)

But lo and behold, thanks to the quickest of quick-strike offenses, the Colts did exactly that; thanks to touchdown drives of 1, 6, and 4 plays, Indianapolis prevailed in Miami, 27-23. Indeed, the Colts’ longest drive of the night was a 9-play drive that led to a 2nd quarter field goal; on the other side of the field, the Fins had exactly one shorter drive: an 8-play, 25-yard drive that ended in a punt. After that, literally every drive of theirs was 9 plays or longer. That’s the longest shortest drive since [ERROR WE ARE NOT ELIAS SPORTS BUREAU CLIENTS ABORT, RETRY, FAIL?].

Ah, but without turnovers, time of possession is effectively meaningless. Read more…

Week In Review: Reggie & Kimmy K.’s Rotten Rain

• Fake rain: Reggie Bush & Kim Kardashian toss out some money to Miami clubgoers - only to quickly grab it all back.

Reggie Bush Kim Kardashian

• Oh, baby: Candace Parker’s pregnancy has produced a couple of nice C-Cups for the WNBA star, while Dwight Howard’s ex-girlfriend shows up at a Magic game with his 1-year-old son.

• Meanwhile, Jenna Jameson is the proud mama of Tito Ortiz’s twins.

• Speaking of nice pairs, say hello to this flirty Florida Panthers fan.

• The AVP’s new ad campaign features some nice assets. And it’s all thanks to the volleyball tour’s new “Apprentice”-competing, Playboy-posing V.P.

Read more…

The Rock, Paper, Steroids; Lenny’s A Lousy Boss

Dwayne Johnson, a.k.a. The Rock, comes clean about past steroid use. Show him all’s forgiven by paying $14 to see “Race To Witch Mountain”!

The Rock Dwayne Johnson Lenny Dykstra

Lenny Dykstra - great boss, financial genius, and friend of all races. And if you believe that, there’s a bridge in Brooklyn we’d like to sell you.

• It’s March Madness time! Awkward high-five between old white guys!

• Despite his marvelous on-court skills, Dwyane Wade won’t be schoolin’ anyone in Miami this year.

• New video shows Donte Stallworth taking a sobriety test after last weekend’s car accident that killed a pedestrian.

Read more…

Can You Smell What The Rock’s Been Injecting?

I haven’t watched wrestling in years. The last time I paid any real attention to the “sport” was when Dwayne Johnson, also known as The Rock, was at the height of his popularity. Since then the grappler has gone from wrestling men in a speedo to starring in action movies like “The Scorpion King” and onto Disney flicks like his newest epic, “Race to Witch Mountain.”  In between he spent some time ticking off Hawaiians for his performance in a Saturday Night Live skit.

Before he gained fame as a wrestler and became a movie star, The Rock was just your regular backup defensive lineman for the Miami Hurricanes. From there he went on to play in the CFL a bit, but his dreams of becoming an NFL player seemed out of reach. Which is probably why he started doing steroids for a while.

Read more…

Shaq Asks Of Kareem & Wilt: Where’s The Love?

It’s going to be fun Wednesday night, when Shaq’s first game under the Suns will be a showdown against his old teammates from Tinseltown. And the Big Cactus had some prickly words for a couple of Lakers greats.

The LOS ANGELES TIMES reports that O’Neal had nothing but kind comments for the current edition of the Lake Show on Tuesday - calling Kobe Bryantthe best player in the league” and flattering Phil Jackson a “jokester.” So, who did he go after?

Shaquille O'Neal Kareem Abdul Jabbar Wilt Chamberlain

Would you believe Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Wilt Chamberlain? Read more…