Brook Lopez Apparently An Extremely Literal Chap

From writer John Schuhmann:

Brook Lopez Doesn't Get The Onion

Dude had a tree as his mascot. Think about that.

McHale’s Move From Minny Tweeted With By Love

Kevin Love is the first one to tell, er, Tweet the world that Kevin McHale would be leaving the Timberwolves.

Kevin McHale Kevin Love Minnesota Timberwolves

• Now that’s what you call a road test fiesta! Thanks, Top Gear!

• Could Coach K depart Duke to land as head honcho for the Lakers?

Eddie Van Halen is very hot at Nike for ripping off his guitar to design their new shoes.

• The Stanley Cup takes a dip in Mario Lemieux’s pool.

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Shawn Johnson Video Causes B.S. “Controversy”

We already mentioned it as a throwaway link in yesterday’s Speed Read, because it was a funny parody of the strange treatment of thoroughbreds in the horse racing industry but nothing meriting more than one line in a morning post, but in case you missed it THE ONION put together an obviously, ludicrously fake piece about Shawn Johnson being euthanized after breaking a kneecap. We’ll post it below if you never saw it.

Shawn Johnson's Breeding Stock
(Wait, so none of this real?!)

For whatever reason, be it her “America’s Sweetheart” status, her young age, or the fact that people in her native Iowa have nothing better to do than overreact about anything involving local celebrities,  the DES MOINES REGISTER decided to ask people close to her about the video. Which was satire, people. Surprise, surprise, mock outrage ensues:

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