Chiefs Discover Key To Success: ‘Office’ Parodies

Look, the Chiefs suck and have for years now. That much is well-understood, even as there’s a glimmer of hope for their season as they welcome Matt Cassel at QB and look to shock an AFC West that’s as close to a one-team division (the Chargers, of course) as possible.

KC Wolf Chiefs Office
(It goes downhill from here.)

But if the Chiefs really want to make a comeback, they’re going to have to do so on the backs of quasi-indie Gen-Y types, the ones who live in condos, don’t have any kids over 2, and think they’re smarter than anyone else. Or, to put it more succinctly, fans of “The Office.” After all, why else would they make this parody? Video below the break.

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Bike-Riding Teen Sexer Gets Four Years In Jail

You may remember last January, when Scott wrote about the Olympian bicycling efforts of a Havre de Grace, Md. man who just had to have sex with a 15-year-old. In the process, he cycled 180 miles to Scranton, slept in a park and at the town’s baseball field, and had sex with the teen on the same field.

lance armstrong tour de france

(Note: Photo is not actually William Wagner, but is a man who likes girls more than 10-years his junior and bike rides of longer than 100 miles.)

Well, now he finally knows his fate: For the next four years, if he has any sex it will be with someone with similar genitalia, after  26-year-old William Wagner was sentenced to those four years in prison for his sexual assault via statutory rape.

Of all the collasal errors of judgment this has to be near the top of the list. Not only did Wagner bike 180 miles — 180 miles!!! — for sex with a 15-year-old (which is a crime there’s approximately a 2 percent chance he might possibly get away with), he had live in destitution in Scranton for two days. Scranton! A town so beset with general malaise and depression that The Office found it a fitting site for a business park-lampooning sitcom.

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Speed Read: Obama Wins Election, Covers Spread

How ironic is it that the giant nail in the coffin of John McCain’s Presidential hopes last night came when the networks declared Ohio for Barack Obama. After all, McCain appeared to run his campaign like Jim Tressel cluelessly bumbling his way through coaching Ohio State to another BCS Title Game meltdown. In this analogy, Obama really was LSU or Florida: faster, hungrier and ready to deliver a hellacious beatdown.

John McCain as Jim Tressel

(Does this make Sarah Palin the Maurice Clarett of the ticket - initially exciting but eventually a total disaster? I’ll leave that up to you to decide.)

But while the Maverick of the Senate might have suffered an historic thumping on Tuesday night, the Mavericks of Dallas were taking a venerable but aging institution out to the woodshed, beating the Spurs 98-81 to drop San Antonio to 0-3 for the first time in the team’s NBA history. They can’t possibly be missing Manu Ginobli this much, could they?

Tony Parker

And what about Matt Lindland, the MMA fighter who was the Republician candidate for a State House seat? Unfortunately for him, he was about as competitive as Kimbo Slice, as he fell to a double digit defeat at the hands of his Democratic opponent. I would have said that having a campaign manager named Tootie Smith was a bad sign, but then again…Scooter Libby.

Matt Lindland

On to the other, slightly less significant news:

  • Don’t tase him, bro! The TRI-CITY HERALD says that an Arena Football player was zapped by airport security after busting through a window at the terminal and getting on the tarmac trying to get to his flight. That’s called dedication.
  • FARTHER OFF THE WALL has an offer for you: how about having Pete Arbogast, the radio voice of the USC Trojans, call your kids’ soccer game for just $500? And the Web site offering these services is just as professional looking as you would expect from a media type whoring himself out for a few bucks.
  • The NEW YORK TIMES dials in news that NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is sending a letter to Senators blaming the cable companies for why you don’t have the NFL Network. Didn’t he get the memo that Obama’s first priority is getting a college football playoff?
  • The CHICAGO TRIBUNE breaks down the news that Illinois WR Jeff Cumberland is going to play this week despite breaking teammate Mikel LeShoure’s jaw in a fight last Saturday night.
  • Do they have any decent sushi places in Atlanta? The ATLANTA JOURNAL CONSTITUTION notes that the Braves have made an offer to 22-year-old Japanese pitching phenom Junichi Tazawa.
  • How far has the Tennesee football program fallen? The WINSTON SALEM JOURAL says that David Cutcliffe would rather stay at Duke than consider taking the Vols’ head coaching job.
  • The MOSCOW-PULLMAN DAILY NEWS reports that three Idaho football players have been suspended after being charged with battery after a fight at a house party this weekend. What do you expect from the players when you call the team the “Vandals?”
  • According to the LOS ANGELES TIMES, Oaks Christian High School - the school that has the sons of Joe Montana, Wayne Gretzky and Will Smith - might be in trouble for advertising its athletic department on local TV. The ads were OK, but still better than Hancock.
  • BYU quarterback Max Hall tells the SALT LAKE TRIBUNE that he’ll be missing Thursday night’s huge Mountain West Conference game between Utah and TCU because he can’t miss The Office. And I thought Dwight Schrute was Amish and not Mormon.
  • Bob Stoops tells THE OKLAHOMAN that he’s come full circle and now supports a college football playoff. Sounds like Obama’s minions got to him.

What would you like to see President Obama do for you the sports fan?

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Speed Read: Dodgers Done, Cowboys To Follow?

How often does the first batter tell you everything you need to know about how a baseball game is going to go? But after seeing Jimmy Rollins take Chad Billingsley deep in the first inning of Game 5 of the NLCS, did anyone have any doubt that the Phillies would be going to the World Series? The result wound up 5-1 for Philadelphia, but it might have been 1,000-1 after that first at-bat.

Philadelphia Phillies clinch NL Pennant

With how Cole Hamels was pitching, it’s not as though the Phillies needed much help, but Rafael Furcal channeling some combination of the Chicago Cubs’ infield, Steve Sax and Rick Ankiel (pitcher version) didn’t help. Furcal made three errors in the fifth inning, tying an MLB post-season record. I can sympathize with Furcal: I also once made three errors in one inning. Of course, I was 12, and a terrible Little League player.

Rafael Furcal and Joe Torre

I hate to burst the bubble of die-hard Philly fans like THE 700 LEVEL who are reveling on their team’s victory, and the fact that they are four games away from bringing the city its first major professional sports title in 25 years. So I won’t mention that the Phillies’ Big Three (Rollins, Ryan Howard and Chase Utley) are hitting a meager .250 combined in the 2008 playoffs.

Or that Jamie Moyer might wind up starting a World Series game, and that your starters not named Cole Hamels have an ERA just over 6.00 this postseason.

Or that the Rays have somehow turned into the 1929 Yankees, if that’s who you wind up playing.

Or that other than Manny Ramirez, this wasn’t a very good Dodgers team, and beating them in five games wasn’t really that huge of an accomplishment.

Just sleep tight, Phillie fans, after a night of serious celebrating. Probably in a pool of your own vomit, but sleep tight none the less, and don’t worry about tomorrow.

Meanwhile, as the Los Angeles Dodgers’ season ended with a thud, the slow-motion train wreck that the Dallas Cowboys’ season is becoming is continuing. A day after they were fleeced by the Lions (the Lions!) to complete their Roy Williams collection, the DALLAS MORNING NEWS reports that head coach Wade Phillips doesn’t expect Adam “Pac-Man” Jones to return to the team regardless of the length of his suspension.

Also not expected to come back after this season: Wade Phillps.

But fear not, Cowboys’ fans! Remember Tony Romo’s pinkie injury that was going to sideline him for four games? Turns out that he’s going to try to play this week against the Rams. Because having a quarterback trying to play with a broken finger on his throwing hand always ends up well. Right, USC fans?

Here’s what else happened last night while you were rolling your eyes at John McCain rolling his eyes:

    Mets bullpen car

  • THE LEGEND OF CECILIO GUANTE prays for the return of the bullpen car. I don’t know: as cool as they are, it’s a little less intimidating when NAME OF YOUR TEAM’S CLOSER HERE comes in from the bullpen to the sounds of AC/DC OR GUNS ‘N’ ROSES OR METALLICA OR BLACK SABBATH when he’s riding in a giant, cartoon helmet.
  • The LOS ANGELES TIMES reports that Frank “Lefty” Rosenthal, the Mob bookmaker and casino boss who inspired the movie Casino, has cashed in and gone to that comped room in the sky.
  • MICHIGAN DAILY notes that Michigan running back Mike Milano has been indefinitely suspended from the team after allegedly assaulting Wolverines hockey player and Anaheim Ducks prospect Steve Kampfer on campus, slamming him to the ground and knocking him unconscious.
  • Kansas State assistant coach Dalonte Hill reportedly makes $420,000 a year. THE CHRONICLE OF HIGHER EDUCATION points out that is more than the school’s President makes.
  • How fat is Eddy Curry? So fat that he sat on his exercise ball and it exploded. That’s not a joke: THE DAILY NEWS’ KNICKS KNATION says this actually happened at practice on Monday.
  • BRAVES LAUNCH PAD notes the striking similarities between Phillies slugger Ryan Howard and The Office temp-turned-executive-turned-secretary of the same name.
  • VEGAS NEWS delivers a strike with news that Make That Spare is coming back to TV. Pro bowlers making spares over and over? That’s must see TV!
  • Your World Cup qualifying recap from the LOS ANGELES TIMES: The US, having secured their spot in the next round, fields a youthful squad and falls to Trinidad and Tobago, 2-1. Meanwhile, Mexico has to rally to tie Canada and is in danger of missing the final round of qualifying.
  • The NEW YORK TIMES’ SLAP SHOT follows up on the fallout from the tragic death of Rangers’ prospect Alexei Cherepanov at age 19, including the confusion over the possible causes of his death.
  • Finally, the AP has word that Bobby Knight told a TV interviewer that he would consider coaching again. But he was such a natural, energetic analyst working for ESPN. (Note: I’m being sarcastic here.)

Who do you blame for the Dodgers’ failures in the NLCS?

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What Happens When Young Penguins Try To Fly

Hockey writer Sean Leahy of YAHOO SPORTS BLOG points us to this recent SCRANTON (PA) TIMES-LEADER report:

Penguins Can Fly Hockey Streaker

(Keeping the good folks of Scranton going until the next episode of “The Office”)

Two Wilkes-Barre/Scranton Penguins were charged by Scranton police following an incident early Sunday morning in which the team captain allegedly ran naked in view of a police officer. Read more…