Week In Review: Danica to Drop ‘em for ESPN Mag

Danica Patrick could be removing her racing suit to pose for an all-nude (yet tastefully done) pictorial for ESPN The Magazine.

Danica Patrick topless

(Well, it’s a start)

• And the Rick Pitino sex-tortion scandal gets more & more pitiful.

• This FIBA Americas basketball tournament is getting quite rough. If it isn’t Mexico & Uruguay throwing punches & chairs, it’s security hassling Charlie Villanueva & his mother.

• College football players could lose their hotel privileges - for home games. But keeping the kids out of the local Motel 6 could actually be a bad idea.

• Are fantasy sports bad for your relationships? Well, in Texas, it can certainly be bad for your health.

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When Your Fantasy Football Draft Ends In Gunplay

Perhaps only in Texas could a fantasy football draft end with guns blazing, two people in the hospital and Plaxico Burress chosen early in the second round. That last part is a writer’s embellishment, but it fits with the other activities that occurred early Sunday morning in Keller, Texas, when a dispute over noise at a fantasy football party ended with one neighbor shooting another.

Edward M. Stewart had gone to his back fence to complain to his neighbor, Ryan Roh, that his fantasy draft party was too loud. One thing led to another, and Roh jumped the fence to fight Stewart, and after some pushing, Stewart produced a gun and shot Roh in the abdomen. Oh, and the bullet also hit Stewart’s own wife in the leg. That’s why I’m participating in my draft online this year.

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Texas Woman Beats Disabled Kid For Soccer Ball

Americans might not all be fans of the game of soccer, but there’s no denying the sheer breathtaking violence and passion of the sport’s more extreme fans. Soccer hooliganism is something we’ve (thankfully) never really duplicated here in the States. Sure, a college town couch might go up in flames from time to time or a bar argument between opposing fans might come to blows, but by and large American fans keep sports in perspective.

Soccer Hooligans

However, one brave/stupid woman is aiming to change all that by bringing a little hooliganism to the heart of God-fearing, football-loving Texas. Her first mission? Punching a wheelchair-bound child in the head over a stray soccer ball. Mission accomplished.

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Girl Wins HS Team Track Title Her Own Damn Self

Despite dabbling in several different sporting endeavors during my high school days, the only time I came close to anything resembling a record book was in 1996, when I - intentionally, thankyouverymuch - achieved the lowest average score of any high school bowler, boy or girl, in the entire Northern Illinois Conference (this is not helping the public image of bloggers, is it?). It was a landmark achievement that required record levels of stick-to-it-iveness, marijuana, and apathy, and I thought it was the pinnacle of high school athletic achievement.

Bonnie Richardson Texas Track

(Win. Rinse. Repeat.)

Amazingly, however, my record for high school athletic prowess has been shattered by a whippersnapper from Texas named Bonnie Richardson (a name that just screams “high school girl”, am I right). Bonnie young Bonnie managed to win the Texas girls’ state team track title the other day for the second straight year. That’s right - team title. By herself. Perhaps weed and apathy weren’t the magic weapons for athletic immortality I thought they were.

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Texas HS Cheerleaders Engage In ‘Crappy’ Prank

The sports prank enjoys a long, sordid history as a way to get revenge on a teammate or rival. The pranks are usually harmless, resulting in perhaps a bit of embarrassment for the prankee. Sometimes, they’re hilarious. Other times, they’re a bit mean. Either way, they’re usually harmless but for the loss of a little dignity. At least, that’s how they’re supposed to be.

Poopy Cheerleader

Nobody explained the “harmless” part to a group of Texas high school cheerleaders who took a dump in a sock (Doody!) and smeared it in a rival cheerleader’s locker. So much for not messing with Texas.

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Texas High Schools Failed $3 Million Steroid Test

The University Interscholastic League in Texas is the owner of the largest steroid testing program in the nation. The tests aren’t for professional athletes or cattle instead high school students are randomly sampled for ‘roids.

Logo Of The State Of Texas

The steroid testing program was approved by the Texas Legislature which allotted $6 million over two years to the UIL. The findings have been terrible so far. Read more…

HS Girls’ Coach Had Sex With Female Student?

I realize these “alleged lesbian high school coach of the year gets with underage student love affair” stories are getting old, so bear with us.

Former Texas high school coach Dayna Crenshaw, 33, has been charged with a second-class felony count of Mark Chmura. Read more…

HS Junior Wins Team Track Title — By Herself

Bonnie Richardson runs track for little Rochelle High School, in addition to playing basketball and tennis.

Bonnie Richardson Texas Track

Over the weekend, Bonnie competed in the Texas 1A state track & field championship. In fact, Bonnie was the only one from her team to qualify for state. I wonder if they let her drive the bus? Read more…

Curry Livens Up Friday Horror Basketball Show

Here is an exclusive sneak peek at the entirety of Bill Self’s pre-game speech to his Kansas Jayhawks before Sunday’s game against plucky Davidson in the Elite Eight:

Stephen Curry

“This guy! Him! Cover him. See how there’s no one else in frame on this picture? Bad! Cover him. Cover. Him. Don’t be fooled by ball fakes or cuts or even if your man has the ball. Everyone just surround this guy. This one! Here! It doesn’t matter if he changes his jersey number or puts on a fake mustache. Him! Do not leave him alone. Are we clear? Alright. Rock chalk COVER HIM.”

Unfortunately, Bo Self spaced on this part in his pre-game pep talk, allowing Wisconsin’s celebrated Pit of Despair Defense to be thwarted by the chocolate-covered miracle pill known as Stephen Curry in a 73-56 Davidson beatdown. Curry continued to stun opponents with 33 points in this contest. (By way of reference, Wisconsin held Michigan to 34 points on March 14th.)

Other games Friday:

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Tony Romo & Jessica Simpson Now Officially Dating

NEXT UP FOR ROMO: WALKING JESSICA’S TWO CHIHUAHUAS Now that Sophia Bush and Carrie Underwood are post routes for Tony Romo, the DALLAS MORNING NEWS reports on the Dallas QB’s latest trip down the female celeb well, as he’s now *dating* Jessica Simpson.

Jessica Simpson Tony Romo

After shooting down the Jets Thanksgiving day, Romo “showered and headed over to Hotel ZaZa to join Ms. Simpson and her parents, Tina and Joe Simpson, for a Thanksgiving meal at Dragonfly.“”The next day, Tony joined the Simpson family for a journey to Waco to visit Jessica’s grandparents.

So Romo’s hanging out with the grandparents of the beat piece of Nick Lachey and John Mayer? And chilling with her douchenozzle Dad on Thanksgiving at a place called “ZaZa”?

Tony Romo Caddyshack

Much like last year’s playoffs, Romo might be trying a bit too hard on this one.