Speed Read: An Evening Of Florida Pillow-Fighting

Normally, you don’t see a broadcast booth spend a plurality of a football game raving about the “time of possession” statistic. Then again, normally, you don’t see a team win said battle by a full 30 minutes of game time, which is precisely what Miami did to Indianapolis last night. And then again, you don’t normally see a team control the ball for fewer than 15 minutes of the game… and win anyway.

Pierre Garcon gets two thumbs down
(”Okay, so you just scored the go-ahead touchdown. Allow me to retort: BOOOO THUMBS DOWN TO YOU BOOOOOOO!”)

But lo and behold, thanks to the quickest of quick-strike offenses, the Colts did exactly that; thanks to touchdown drives of 1, 6, and 4 plays, Indianapolis prevailed in Miami, 27-23. Indeed, the Colts’ longest drive of the night was a 9-play drive that led to a 2nd quarter field goal; on the other side of the field, the Fins had exactly one shorter drive: an 8-play, 25-yard drive that ended in a punt. After that, literally every drive of theirs was 9 plays or longer. That’s the longest shortest drive since [ERROR WE ARE NOT ELIAS SPORTS BUREAU CLIENTS ABORT, RETRY, FAIL?].

Ah, but without turnovers, time of possession is effectively meaningless. Read more…

Danica Patrick Gets Speeding Ticket From Stripper

Welcome back to your regularly scheduled SPORTSbyBROOKS programming. We hope you all had a wonderful Memorial Day weekend, or at the very least, got drunk and embarrassed yourself somehow.

Somebody who didn’t drink and embarrass herself over the weekend was Danica Patrick. While she didn’t win the Indy 500 on Sunday, she did manage to finish in third place. Now as Ricky Bobby would remind us, if you’re not first your last, but third place is still the least last that any driver who has to pee sitting down at the Brickyard has ever finished, so she should be proud of herself.

If nothing else the third-place finish might help her forget about that unfortunate speeding ticket she got from that motorcycle cop/stripper that she ran into in the desert.

(Exclusive video of the traffic incident after the jump.)

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USOC Sues Colo. Strip Club Over “Pole Olympics”

Well, now the U.S. Olympic Committee has really gone and done it. They’re willing to support Michael Phelps despite his bongariffic weed habit, but they’re not willing to let some Colorado Springs strippers engage in a little bit of friendly competition? That’s just not fair!

PT's Showclubs girls

(See! We can call it a cabaret, they use artsy black and white photography!)

Fair or not, the higher-ups at the Colorado Springs-based organization filed a cease and desist lawsuit against one of their hometown strip clubs, PT’s Showclub, after the cabaret (Can we call a strip club a cabaret? Eh, what the heck, let’s call it a cabaret) ran an ad in the COLORADO SPRINGS GAZETTE advertising their first annual Pole Olympics.

And how did PT’s Showclub respond? Quite cleverly, if you ask us: They ran the same ad again six days later, with the “c” and “s” at the end of “Olympics” crossed out. Touche’, PT’s Showclub, touche’!

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Strippers Steal Your Money On Game Shows, Too

Game shows are sports, right? They’re competitive, they involve strategy, someone eventually wins, etc. And pole dancing is fairly athletic, right? I mean, not just any Joe Sixpack could swing from a stripper pole by his ankles. OK, this is close enough to a sport to go with it. Deep breath. Playboy is introducing a new game show, where contestants struggle to answer simple trivia questions while being flustered by what the press release only calls “the distracting activities of some of the world’s sexiest dancers.”

Playboy TV

This is still probably not a sports-related post. But I’ve run the picture, there’s no going back now.

Yes, they called it “Show Us Your Wits.” Here’s the gimmick: unsuspecting strip club patrons entering the back room with expections of a lap dance (and more, depending on the club [so I’ve heard]), are greeted by Playmate Daphnee Duplaix, who will ask them a series of questions while gyrating, scantily-clad females do all they can to get the guys to slip up. Not including a handy. I don’t think. (Pics of your host, who has a rack on par with Drew Carey’s, after the jump.)

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Plaxico “Most Unpopular Celebrity” At Strip Joint

For those in the, ahem, “service” industry (and by that I mean strippers), there’s no greater frenemy than a cheap celebrity. Sure, they’re famous, and everyone likes fame and the recognition that comes with it, but it would be nice if Mr. Hi-I-Make-Millions-Of-Dollars-A-Year actually, you know, spent like a celebrity instead of having a tight wallet.

Plaxico Burress strip club dancer

And today’s tightwad is Plaxico Burress, who, according to the NEW YORK POST, spent a few hours getting drunk at a nude bar (Head Quarters, if you must know) before capping himself in the leg last week. Oh, and he didn’t pay a cent there that night. Nor does he ever pay well, apparently:

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HS Uniform Budget Goes Into Strippers’ G-Strings

Some high school football coaches use money from booster clubs to take the team out for pizza at Chuck E. Cheese. Some use it to defray the costs of taking the team to away games. Then, there’s James Atkins. He uses it to go to strip clubs. I suppose the only good thing to be said about that is that he didn’t take the team with him.

stripper football uniform

(A better combination of football uniforms and strippers)

Atkins, a former coach and president of the Chelsea High School football team’s booster club, was indicted on 10 counts of larceny for stealing $10,000 meant to go toward the team’s uniforms, including “the withdrawal of $500 from an ATM right next door to the Squire men’s club at 1 in the morning,” according to a Boston assistant district attorney, in what is likely the most awesome quote of that ADA’s life. (Details and mug shot after the jump.)

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’80s B-Jays Busted Slump w/Stripper in Clubhouse

Seattle Mariners manager John McLaren has coached approximately forever in the minors and majors and has gathered all kinds of motivational tactics over the years. Some may be recyclable, however, and some may not be usable in today’s major league clubhouse.

Stripper on baseball bat pole in silhouette

For example, how about the time in the mid-to-late ’80s when someone brought a stripper into the Toronto Blue Jays clubhouse to bust a slump? That must have been one hell of a motivational seminar. We’re certain there are other ways of encouraging the boys in blue to touch ‘em all, but they wouldn’t be as colorful.

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Blog-A-Roni: Free Dances For Super Bowl Champs

• CONSTRUDA saves their singles, as a New York strip club is offering free lap dances for the Super Bowl champion Giants.

OsiUmenyiora

• Now that collegiate coffins have been okayed, EVERY DAY SHOULD BE SATURDAY offers up suggestions for scholastic-themed sex toys.

• THE BIZ OF BASKETBALL talks trash, as Steve Nash will be wearing Nike’s new recycled shoe.

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Strippers Offered With Super Bowl House Rental

The SPRINGFIELD (MA) REPUBLICAN comes across an unusual deal from an Arizona house renter for Super Bowl weekend.

House Strippers

The Craigslist ad - written IN ALL CAPS - offers a 3-bedroom home for rent from Friday through Monday, with all meals and transportation to the Big Game provided. If that’s not tempting enough, how about they throw in a couple of strippers?

As taken verbatim from the ad:

AS AN ADDED BONUS WE HAPPEN TO BE FRIENDS WITH A FEW VERY ATTRACTIVE STRIPPERS, WHO WOULD BE WILLING TO STOP BY AND TAKE CARE OF SOME OF YOUR ENTERTAINMENT NEEDS!!!!!!!!!

The renter emphasizes the point that he & his wife “really need the money“, and they would “bend over backwards” to ensure a pleasant stay - adding, “Our friends might be willing too (sic) do the same.”

All for only $1,000 a day. Does Jeremy Shockey know about this?

Steve McNair Mentioned In Same-Sex Rape Case Involving Strippers

QB McNAIR MENTIONED IN STRIPPER SAME-SEX RAPE CASE: Just when he was trying to relax with a season-ending injury, Steve McNair’s name has been tossed around in a stripper’s rape case:

Steve McNair Ravens

The CINCINNATI ENQUIRER has the risque news of the Ravens QB being mentioned in allegations of same-sex assault on a dancer known as Summer.The stripper testified that last December, she was raped by another female dancer at the home of pro wrestler-turned- gentleman’s club entrepeneur Sean Casey. The accused dancer says the sex was consensual.

Strip Club

McNair is not alleged to have been involved in the assault, but his name kept popping up during the dancer’s testimony. Summer had said she was flirting with Steve around the time of the assault. The QB was in town during the Ravens’ visit to the Bengals last season.A third stirpper claims she saw Summer and Steve having sex in an Cincinnati airport bathroom. She recalled being on the limo ride over, and that Summer “was all over him,” yet McNair “kept telling her he was married.”

Summer denies the toilet tryst, saying “I have never been in a bathroom with Steve McNair. I talked to him. He’s a pretty cool guy. Go Ravens!

Bathroom

Yeah, it’s not like he’s an Idaho senator or anything.McNair’s agent also denies any hanky-panky went on in the ride or in the stall, suggesting, “it easily could have been mistaken identity.”

And a Ravens spokesman reiterated that McNair wouldn’t have been given much of a chance to get frisky with the local gals: “Our schedule is very filled when we’re on the road. It’s a business trip for us. We don’t give players much free time.”

With McNair being out for the season with a dislocated shoulder, he should have plenty of free time now. He just better watch what he grabs.