Tiger Back 9 Speed-Golf Cost Cink The Weekend?

Friday Tiger Woods experienced the worst performance meltdown of his career, shooting 43 on the back nine of the Quail Hollow Championships to miss his first non-major cut in five years.

Tiger Woods

(Tiger’s new number: 6-5-5-3-6-7-4)

With the PGA Tour’s Players Championship a week away and Woods scheduled to play, the next six days we’ll be inundated with numbers denoted by a “career-worst” qualifier.

Between scoring and despondence displayed by Woods throughout Friday, hyperbole is already flourishing when examining the golfer’s game. But despite Woods’ wildly unpredictable performance since his return to golf at Augusta, I am pleased to confirm that there is one part of Woods that has remained remarkably consistent dating back to well before his comeback.

He’s a jackass. Read more…

From Terror Suspects To Bermuda Carl Spacklers

Let this be a lesson to all of you prospective terrorists out there. Threaten the United States and our freedoms with your subversive ways, and we’ll toss your butt in Guantanamo Bay and throw away the key. Until, that is, we let you go and give you a job in Bermuda.

But limited health benefits, and no dental! (That’ll teach ‘em). Four members of China’s Muslim Uighur minority (two of which, Ablakim Turahun, left, and Abdulla Abdulqadir shown above), who were held by the U.S. for seven years as suspected terrorists at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, have been released to Bermuda, where they’ve been given jobs tending the Port Royal golf course. That of course is home to the PGA’s Grand Slam. Read more…

Hey, Anyone Know What This Hat Is All About?

You might have noticed when you were watching Tom Watson’s unlikely run through the Open this weekend that he was sporting a hat for a company called Adams Golf. And while Adams is a well-known brand in the golf community, it’s not exactly on the level of other more popular brands like Nike, Taylor Made, and Callaway. So it was quite an unexpected boon for the brand, whose shares have been trading for less than $3 in recent months on the NASDAQ, but rose more than 18% during the tournament solely based on Watson’s exposure.

Tom Watson

So what did Adams do to capitalize on all of this sudden attention? Well, in the wise words of the host of “Wheel of Fish”: NOTHING! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! As CNBC’s Darren Rovell points out, not only were there were no newspaper ads, but the company didn’t even alter its Web site to feature Watson in any way. So I guess we shouldn’t be surprised about how the company’s army of new shareholders responded the last two days.

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Jerkbag Cink Ruins Everything By Beating Watson

For a brief moment this afternoon, I saw pigs starting to fly outside of my window. I could swear that one of them was cruising along at about four to five feet off of the ground at one point, and almost looked like it was going to really move. But then, like Icarus, it came crashing to the ground in flames.

Tom Watson

That’s a fancy way of saying that I just watched 59-year-old Tom Watson do the almost unthinkable and lead the British Open as he was walking up 18, only to then see him leave his par putt to win the championship woefully short and then fall apart in the four-hole playoff. Congratulations to Stewart Cink, your 2009 British Open champion. You jerk.

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I’m From Watson’s K.C., But Stewie’s Is Still Cool

Anyone who takes his Twitter pic at SoCal.-based In-n-Out Burger is a G.:

Stewart Cink

(Still doesn’t make up for his final round Music Man pants)

As for us Kansas Citians (Watson’s hometown), we’re currently crying in our Boulevards at Kelly’s in Westport after the gack on 18.

Tiger Woods Is Vicious All The Time To Everybody

The Memorial Skins Classic was today, and it featured Kenny Perry, Stewart Cink, Tiger Woods, and Jack Nicklaus. It’s an exhibition, strictly for charity, and it was basically an excuse to get Tiger and Jack in the same grouping for once. Which is fine, we’re not complaining or anything; they’re probably the two best golfers of all time and definitely the best golfers from their respective generations.

Tiger Woods and Jack Nicklaus
(”You’re mine, old man!”)

When it came down to the end of the round, there were four skins on the line and Tiger was looking at a decently long putt to keep Perry from winning. Guess what happened. Go on, guess. If you guessed “a seagull came and took the ball away”… no, but I like where your mind’s at.

Video evidence is below (but stop after he hits the putt): Read more…