Cheer up, Boston sports fans. Sure, the Red Sox might have brought you to the brink of exaltation only to send you crashing to the ground like to some junkie with a packet of methadone, but at least the Patriots have kept your hopes adrift for another week with their 41-7 win over the Denver Broncos on Monday night.

Sure, this might have been a performance against the same team that lost to the putrid Kansas City Chiefs, but it’s something to be proud of, right?  Rodney Harrison might have blown his knee out, a crippling blow to a depleted Patriots secondary, but come on…: did you see Matt Cassel? He’s the second coming of Tom Brady, the wa y he hooked up with Randy Moss. Right? Right???

New England fans, I’ll let you slepp on your false sense of security for now. At least ou aren’t 49ers fans, who have seen their team go from playoff contenders to also-rans in the course of a few short weeks. Which means that head coach Mike Nolan is gone, replaced by Mike Singletary, who will at least kill his team with his eyes. The eyes, the eyes, oh Lord the eyes!

Here’s what else happened last night while you were out raging against the machine with Tim McGraw:

• EliteXC is finished, as SI.COM reports that they have closed their doors after “hemorrhaging” money. As poets throughout the ages have mused, wither Kimbo Slice? At least Gina Carano is one step closer to her inevitable Playboy spread.
• Not only did Joba Chamberlain get popped for a DUI this weekend, the NEW YORK DAILY NEWS also says that he got into it with a lippy Red Sox fan back home in Omaha at a nudie bar.
• AWFUL ANNOUNCING has Emmitt Smith trying to talk about Matt Cassel being between a “rock and a hard place.” Do I even need to tell you that the phrase “rites of patches” is invoked?
• The SEC official who appeared to take down South Carolina QB Stephen Garcia on Saturday? THE STATE says that the league has ruled that it was “inadvertant contact.”
• As the NEW YORK TIMES notes, the Red Bulls’ goalkeeper Danny Ceperos is a goal scoring machine.
• The NEWARK STAR-LEDGER reports that Devils’ center Bobby Holik is out three to four week with a broken pinkie. Broken pinkie? Come on - NHL players should just get their pinkies cut off and not miss a shift.
• The SAN DIEGO UNION-TRIBUNE signs in with news that Tiger Woods was back at Torrey Pines - the scene of his U.S. Open triumph over Rocco Mediate - this time as a caddie for an amateur. How far of a fall a few months can bring.
• A bad day for Colombian golfer/fashion plate Camilo Villegas, as FOX SPORTS notes that his uncle was shot and killed during a robbery of his coffee trading business. Juan Valdez’s whereabouts have not yet been determined.
• The AP explains the New Orleans Saints trying to lay out the basics of American football to a London audience, without much success.
• How bad could the World Series be in Nielsen numbers for Fox? According to the NEW YORK DAILY NEWS, really bad.

It hasn’t been a pretty conference schedule for South Carolina. As if facing defending champs LSU wasn’t enough Saturday, they had to deal with some extra shenanigans. In a crucial red zone possession late in the first half, the Gamecocks had to line up against 12 defenders. Why didn’t the ref throw a flag? Because the ref was the 12th man.

[UPDATE: We have an ID on the ref. It’s Wilbur Hackett, Jr., and he was a linebacker at Kentucky.]

(”Referee mad…referee smash!”)

USC QB Stephen Garcia might have had an easy path to the end zone, if not for one zebra who got a little too caught up in the bloodlust that is American Football. (You might’ve seen this already. But have you seen it in Super-Slo-Mo-What-The-Heck-Is-He-Thinking-O-Vision™?)

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According to THE STATE, the Ol’ Ball Coach turned into the Ol’ Sheriff last week, as South Carolina head coach Steve Spurrier alerted campus police to a suspicious man at the parking lot at Williams-Brice Stadium. The man was later arrested after he was spotted peering into car windows. I’m not saying Shaquille O’Neal has any competition from Spurrier for Top Sports Cop, but it’s nice to see a story involving “Spurrier” and “police” that doesn’t involve cafeteria brawls.

It’s nice to see that Spurrier was able to take time out of his busy schedule of coaching his team to another mediocre, disappointing season to help with safety. His other way of keeping the campus safe? Avoiding any big wins that might lead fans to get rowdy while celebrating.

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