Baseball Announcers In Camera Wells? FINALLY!

We know that for years now, baseball fans have wondered to themselves, “gosh, this ESPN baseball coverage is so close to perfect, but it’s missing something.” It’s certainly what we tell ourselves.

Jon Miller Joe Morgan and the Atari penis home plate chalk
(”And now, Joe Morgan will put himself in harm’s way for no reason at all.”*)

Fortunately, ESPN thinks they may have stumbled onto the answer. For tonight’s game between the Dodgers and Cardinals game, they’re taking Orel Hershiser and Steve Phillips out of the booth and putting them next to the field. Why? Because it will blow your mind.

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Jefferson Ended Wedding By Emailing Bride-To-Be

*Brooks will be at Dodger Stadium tonight Tweeting about Manny Ramirez’s triumphant return to Chavez Ravine.

Richard Jefferson tries to explain what really happened with his averted trip to the altar. It involves ending his relationship via email - along with sending a six-figure settlement to the jilted bride.

Richard Jefferson Kesha Nichols

• NASCAR racer Jeremy Mayfield tests positive for meth. What, again?!?!

• The jokes at the ESPYs were so bad, producers were begging the audience to laugh & applaud - so they could edit it into the show later.

• But the real comedy highlight of the evening was a drunken Matt Kemp trying to break his fall by pulling down the top of his date’s dress.

• A youth soccer official is under investigation for embezzling over $100,000 from her local organization.

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La Russa Wants To Borrow Pitchers From Orioles?

Is it spring already? It must be, since Tony La Russa is already talking crazy. And no, he’s not going to start batting his pitcher 3rd in the lineup (at least not yet), but he’s cooked up another wacky idea — borrowing another team’s players.

Tony La Russa drunk towel

(Would you trust your pitchers with this man?)

Seems that Tony is friends with Orioles manager Dave Trembley, and the O’s have a surplus of pitchers in camp (37 to be exact) while the Cardinals are a little short. So why not have some of those extra Baltimore pitchers come throw some innings for the Cards in spring training games? The idea is actually gaining some traction, and may happen if the teams’ GMs and MLB lets it go through. But aren’t there some potential problems here?

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Don’t Hold Your Breath For Jay McGwire’s Book

Like a lot of people, we got pretty excited when we saw quotes from former bodybuilder Jay McGwire, and heard whispers about the possibility of a tell-all book. After all, who wouldn’t be excited about a tome from a man who looks like a dead-ringer for the Gold’s Gym logo? It never hurt that there were quotes about his brother Mark’s steroid use in there, which sure seemed to make the book a ready-packaged winner at Barnes & Nobles. Well, evidently we were in the minority, because all the publishers who have seen Jay McGwire’s 58-page proposal have passed on it … rapidly.

mark mcgwire milk
(What we didn’t know: Big Mac was drinking the clear in this ad.)

In a story printed in today’s NEW YORK TIMES, executive editors, publishers and presidents of HarperCollins, Gotham Books and Penguin Group USA (via Gotham), all said they had serious doubts about the younger McGwire’s claims … and that even if they didn’t, they wondered if the concept would sell anyway:

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St. Louis Police Treat Scalpers Like Drug Dealers

When it comes to scalping tickets, the roles of cops and robbers always get twisted and turned around. Still, there’s little question that this is a new low for police officers everywhere: Not only did St. Louis police take 2006 World Series tickets out of the hands of a Dallas scalper, they took all the money he’d made, too.

huge 2006 world series ticket
(Maybe Johnson should have sold smaller tickets.)

According to this story in the ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH, suburban Dallas native Eric Johnson had all of his tickets and money seized when he was accosted by police while trying to re-sell tickets to Game 5 of the 2006 World Series, where the Cardinals beat the Tigers to win their most recent world championship. The report on the incident was released thanks to plenty of gumshoe work from Anthony Rothert, legal director of the American Civil Liberties Union of Eastern Missouri who agitated for the findings of an inter-departmental investigation.

In fact, it’s those findings that shed the most stunning light on this incident: The tactics that were used on Johnson are, in fact, the exact strategy that St. Louis cops have been using to filch money out of drug dealers for years.

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Cardinals GM Mozeliak Attacks Fan In Online Chat

Look, whenever a GM goes online for a chat, he should be praised. It takes guts to put yourself on the chopping block and take criticism from a firing squad that has the benefit of time to plan attacks while all you can do is respond. That being said, it might be best if St. Louis Cardinals GM John Mozeliak avoids these chats in the future, since he spent much of his most recent session at attacking his persecutors rather than defending his record of free agent acquisitions.

john mozeliak
(Believe it: John Mozeliak won’t take your crap.)

According to ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH sports columnist Bernie Miklasz, one exchange was particularly telling. An online chatter named I Hate Bill DeWitt!! fired this question at Mozeliak:

“Please describe what it’s like living in your little land of make believe where you honestly believe that Cardinal fans should be excited about this team. If you wouldn’t mind, go into details, about how in Mo’s world people are celebrating three horrible new lefty relievers, and the signing of our awesome new .213 hitting shortstop.”

So how did Mozeliak respond? With aggression, as you can see after the jump.

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NL Central Hitters Apply for Asylum in NL West

Rich Harden finally received the Levon Helm-sized blue-pinstriped weight on his shoulders gifted to him by Mark Prior as trade talks for the talented pitcher heated up during the A’s rather surprising run at mediocrity this year. As such, the Cubs finally allowed Harden to join them via trade yesterday, a mere news cycle away from CC Sabathia’s blimp-like tethering to Miller Park.

NL Central applause

Therefore, the last two days have graced us with talk of the escalation of war in the Milwaukee-Chicago corridor (may we suggest The Battle for the Hiawatha?) for NL Central supremacy and the opportunity to stumble against another divisional foe in the playoffs. (We’re leaning towards the other team in this duo as the wild-card invitee.)

But does anyone want to talk about the second-place team in the division?
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Blog-O-Rama: St. Louis Cardinals Wedding Garter

• STL SPORTS MAG has a leg up on the perfect item for all those St. Louis baseball brides-to-be: an officially licensed Cardinals wedding garter.

St. Louis Cardinals wedding garter

• BOOSH MAGAZINE invites readers to guess the ages (and thus the legality) of the U.S. Olympic gymnastics team.

• THE SLANCH REPORT poaches the periods, as new Brewer C.C. Sabathia actually prefers to go by “CC Sabathia“.

• UNPROFESSIONAL FOUL thinks it’s a blast that the Newcastle United soccer club may be sold to the Bin Laden family.

• POP CRUNCH finds Cynthia Rodriguez sticking it to soon-to-be ex-hubby A-Rod by using his credit card for a $100,000 weekend shopping spree.

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Blog-A-Roni: Elton Brand’s L.A. House Up For Sale

• HARDWOOD PAROXYSM bounces over news from BIG TIME LISTINGS that Elton Brand is putting his L.A. house back on the market.

Elton Brand Clippers

• But Tim Kawakami of the SAN JOSE MERCURY NEWS finds video of the L.A. TIMES’ Bill Plaschke pleading with Elton to stay in town.

• PROLEBRITY discovers that sexy soccer star Heather Mitts didn’t have such an easy time flying to Scandinavia.

• JOE SPORTS FAN seems to be enraptured by a large female Cardinals fan sporting an Aaron Miles-inspired goatee.

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McGwire Working His Way Back Into Baseball?

After the unmitigated disaster that was former Cardinals slugger Mark McGwire’s testimony in front of Congress on steroids and other performance enhancing drugs three years ago, the first baseman completely dropped off of the face of the earth, at least in terms of his relation to the game. Now, per USA TODAY, he’s instructing a small group of major and minor leaguers in hitting, and may re-appear in the game soon as a hitting coach.

Mark McGwire in Congress

The group of current major leaguers working with McGwire includes Rockies outfielder Matt Holliday, Cardinals Chris Duncan and Skip Schumaker, along with the Yankees’ Shelley Duncan, who violates the first rule of Big Mac’s Hitting Club by talking about Big Mac’s Hitting Club.

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