St. Louis Fan is Apparently Feeling a Little Blue

Ah, the wonderment of automation:

I Shaved My Balls For This

(We know, it’s nobody’s fault, which is why it happened.)

What happens when you cut staff to the bone.

Blues Fan Faces Legal Action For Election Prank

St. Louis Blues fans finally have a reason to celebrate. Their team is back the NHL playoffs for the first time since 2004, thanks to a cadre of up-and-coming players including Patrik Berglund, Cam Janssen, and rookie sensation T.J. Oshie. Attendance at the Scottrade Center is on the rise, and people in St. Louis are once again excited about their city’s hockey fortunes.

One fan in particular was so excited about these new-look Blues that he decided to start a blog, VOTE 4 OSHIE, campaigning for T.J. Oshie as a write-in candidate for mayor of St. Louis. The campaign failed, of course, but that didn’t stop one anonymous Blues fan from writing in Oshie for mayor of O’Fallon, Missouri, and sharing a picture of his ballot with the blog. Oops - turns out taking pictures of completed ballots is illegal in Missouri, and now election officials are furious.

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Sarah Palin Must Have Some Money On The Kings

If you listen to a certain half of the country, Sarah Palin is a menace and must be stopped. Well, she’s already claimed her first victim: St. Louis Blues goalie Manny Legace.

Manny Legace

(Down goes Legace!)

The Vice Presidential Nominee was in St. Louis last night to drop the puck for the Blues-Kings game. Yes, another puck drop. We get it, she’s a hockey mom. If this were the WWE, they’d have dropped that gimmick by now and made her a zombie or something.

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Declawed: Millen Finally Removed From Lions’ Lair

Matt Millen is finally moved out of Motor City. Guess the Lions won’t be drafting any more wide receivers anytime soon.

Detroit Lions Fire Millen fan

Erik Johnson of the St. Louis Blues has his season end before it even begins, thanks to his faulty footwork while driving a golf cart.

• Want to know the secret of Terrell Owens’ success? Read the book - and buy his energy drink.

Plaxico Burress has done so much for the New York Giants, that he’s been given a two-week break - without pay.

• The Tampa Bay Rays can’t decide who’s worthy of tossing out their first-ever postseason pitch. Any ideas?

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Speed Read: Rising NHLer KO’d By Evil Golf Cart

Validating those of you out there who think the Ryder Cup is more dangerous than the NHL, it was reported on Tuesday night that St. Louis Blues defenseman Erik Johnson suffered what appears to be a season ending knee injury while golfing last week. The 20-year-old Johnson, one of the bright young defensive stars in the NHL, tore his ACL and MCL when his leg got caught between the gas pedal and brake pedal on his golf cart.  If I was Johnson, I probably would’ve  tried to pull a modified Monta Ellis and lie about it, and at least say I was wrestling a wild boar or something.

golf cart crash

And while we’re on the topic, the Yankees are going to have plenty of time for golf next week as they were finally put out of their misery last night when the Red Sox beat the Indians 5-4. The defending champs held the standard champagne-spewing party afterward, but likely did so as the wild card team. But hey, any celebration featuring Jonathan Papelbon acting like a tool is worthy in my book:

Jonathan Papelbon

The Yanks are missing the postseason for the first time since 1993. Hank Steinbrenner blames “socialist” revenue sharing. And the “divisional setup” for allowing inferior teams to attain playoff spots. Never mind that the last Yankee championship team won only 87 regular-season games.

Beneficiaries of much revenue sharing, the Rays lowered their magic number to two with a doubleheader sweep of the officially hapless Orioles. It was the first DH sweep in franchise history. Prince Fielder’s walk-off homer gave the Brewers a win and kept them within one game of the Mets, who beat the Cubs. The Mets, meanwhile, have decided that Omar Minaya is deserving of a four-year extension.

The Phillies phell and now lead the division by just a game and a half. The Dodgers bashed San Diego while the D-Backs were stymied in St. Louis, putting L.A.’s magic number at three. The Twins spanked the White Sox to pull within a game and a half in the AL Central.

And finally, your Lane Watch 2008 update: still employed. But don’t expect Petros Papadakis to be happy about that.

  • What’s the big secret to the 49ers’ 2-1 start? It might be this thing:

the glove

The creatively-named “Glove” is a newfangled contraption that is reportedly “billed as better than steroids without any ill effects.” It pulls blood into your palm and cools it down or something, I think. Whatever, this article from the SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE should tell you all you need to know.

  • Q: Do you, Mr. Arenas, take this woman as your wife?  A: Hibachi! (thank you WASHINGTON POST)
  • Star USC cornerback Shareece Wright is out for up to six weeks, leaving the Trojans with just 37 future first-round draft picks when they invade Corvallis, Oregon on Thursday.

We interrupt your regularly-scheduled Speed Read to give you this week’s installment of Ridiculous CFL Touchdown Celebrations (thanks to LARRY BROWN SPORTS for the tip):

Oddly, this isn’t even the worst CFL celebration this month.

  • The DETROIT NEWS’ Terry Foster is told that Jon Kitna is not the Lions’ biggest problem — by Jon Kitna.

Let’s lay some blame:

Who is most responsible for the Yankees missing the playoffs this year?

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NHLer, Jenny McCarthy’s Playmate Sister Tie Knot

Celebrity weddings are awesome, I think. We get to sit around and ponder what stupid things they will do and then discuss what kind of freak show children they are going to be cranking out and do over/under bets on divorce dates. But B-list weddings are even more fun.

Hockey Wedding

And when you combine a 30+ year old NHL player and a Playboy Playmate — who is more famous for being the sister of another playmate, well you certainly get B-List. The ROCKY MOUNTAIN NEWS (via RANDBALL) dresses up the story of Dan Hinote and Amy McCarthy getting married this past weekend. Well, that and Jim Carrey dressing up as Fidel Castro.

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NHL Blues Pull Free Beer After Ramage Sentence

The ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH reports today that the NHL Blues pulled five scheduled “Tuesdays On Tap” free beer promotions hours after advertising the promo on their website and sending out an email to ticket holders.

The reason? A club official called it a “business decision”. More likely, it was related to negative reaction from the local media and the 4-year sentence given yesterday to former Blues defenseman Rob Ramage for alcohol-impaired vehicular manslaughter.

St. Louis Blues

The beer promo was almost as bad an idea as this proposed jersey for the Blues back in the mid-90s.

Detroit Red Wings Team Plane Stuck In The Mud In St. Louis

THANK GOD THEY WEREN’T DELIVERING LITTLE CAESARS: The ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH reports on the wonderful week the Detroit Red Wings have been enjoying: “First the Red Wings lost to the St. Louis Blues 4-3 at Scott Trade Center. Then as their team plane taxied to take off from St Louis Downtown Airport about 12:30 a.m. today, the pilot cut a turn a little short and put one of the main gears in the mud.

Detroit Red Wings And Tigers Team Plane

Because it was so late and the flight was out of the small downtown airport in St. Louis, there was no maintenance crew on hand to tow the plane out. So the Wings were forced to spend another night (drinking at Shannons) in St. Louis.The plane took off, team in tow, this morning.