African Soccer Player Drowns In Cleansing Ritual

A Zimbabwean soccer player drowned earlier this week during a ritual swim in a raging river that was supposed to cleanse his team of evil spirits. These things never work. Didn’t they see the Cubs try this by holding hands while wading chest deep in Lake Michigan to ward off their curse? They even ritually sacrificed Micah Hoffpauir. The spirits always win, man.

Victoria Falls

While backward beliefs in underdeveloped countries can seem quaint and innocent on the surface, they sometimes lead to trying some really, really dumb things, like attempting to swim in a dangerous river infested with unfriendly animals. The unlucky player apparently didn’t have much of a choice either, as the players were instructed to enter the water by team officials.

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Redskins TE Cooley Is Very Revealing In His Blog

• We figured Chris Cooley’s blog would let us get to better know the inner workings of the Redskins’ TE, but we never would have guessed we would see this far inside.

Chris Cooley Christy

If there were naughty bits to be shown on Cooley’s blog, why couldn’t they have belonged to his new hot wife, Christy?

• Cubs hurler Carlos Zambrano no-hits the Astros in Milwaukee. Somehow, that causes Ned Yost to be bounced from the Brewers.

• Speaking of teams with curses, a soccer goalie in the Congo tries to use a little witchcraft, only to see 11 people die in the ensuing mid-game riot.

• The Chiefs get tomahawked by the Raiders. Looks like the wrong AFC West coach is about to get fired.

• Meanwhile, Chargers fans seem ready to hack off Ed Hoculi’s limbs for his questionable non-fumble call against the Broncos.

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