Lance Blames Crow’s Biological Clock For Breakup

Not content to let Jose Canseco continue to dominate the literary world, Lance Armstrong has a new book coming out in July. So get set to make some room on your bookshelf for the simply-titled “Lance”, a cyclist’s story as told to John Wilcockson. (Heh, Wilcockson.)

Sheryl Crow Lance Armstrong

Among the subjects touched in the upcoming missive is Armstrong’s former relationship with Sheryl Crow - and why the biker & rocker eventually went their separate ways. Lance puts the blame of their breakup on Sheryl’s biological clock.

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Golf Sponsor Blew Bailout Millions On Partying

The Northern Trust Open was held at the Riviera Country Club in L.A. last weekend. Since Tiger Woods did not recuperate in time to participate, most of the general public really didn’t care too much about it.

Northern Trust salmon Sheryl Crow

(Bank uses bailout money to secure salmon & Sheryl Crow?)

However, most of the general public should care to know that Northern Trust, the bank that sponsored the golf tourney, recently received $1.6 billion in taxpayer-funded bailout money. And you should be happy to know how Northern Trust has been managing their financial situation - by flying hundreds of clients & employees to L.A. and hosting expensive parties.

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Lance’s Ex-Wife Now The More Inspirational Figure

Kristen Armstrong, ex-wife of Lance Armstrong and mother of their three children, has spent the last five years since her divorce from Lance trying to find herself again, eventually succeeding through “friends, faith, family, running and writing.” She now blogs for Runner’s World, participates in family fitness events across the U.S., and is currently preparing for the Boston Marathon next month.

Matthew Mcconaughey Lance Armstrong

(Lance Armstrong and Matthew McConaughey in thoughtful contemplation)

Lance Armstrong has spent the last five years since his divorce in a similar fashion: finding women, eventually succeeding through fame, money, and a well-cultivated public image. The 36-year-old’s two-year relationship with singer Sheryl Crow ended in 2006, making more time for Tory Burch, Ashley Olsen, and Playboy Playmates at a Playboy party at SWSX this week.

Lance Armstrong will also participate in the Boston Marathon in April.

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Lance Armstrong Seen On Date With Ashley Olsen

THE UPSIDE TO RAIDING THE DAUGHTER’S DVD COLLECTION: The NEW YORK DAILY NEWS (vi SI’s HOT CLICKS) reports today that Lance Armstrong has a dope new girlfriend: “Maybe Ashley Olsen just wanted some tips on how to wear spandex well. The pint-size starlet was seen nuzzling up to Lance Armstrong on Monday night at Rose Bar.

Lance Armstrong

The duo arrived together just after midnight … Ashley and Lance settled in and within minutes, he was whispering in her ear and she was giggling like a schoolgirl. They totally looked like they were on a date.”Armstrong, who threw his family down the stairs for a dried-up Sheryl Crow (and dumped her on Christmas as she was dealing with cancer), is 36, while Olsen just turned 21. Coincidentally, Armstrong has twin 5-year-old daughters (Grace and Isabelle). We’re not sure there’s any sort of connection there, and we don’t want to know if there is.

Aniston Vacates Vaughn, Turns To Reece For Help

Jen Aniston scuttled Vince Vaughn’s recent marriage proposal and then dumped the bloated boozebag.

Numerous media outlets report that the empty-headed actress has since turned to her circle of friends for support - who include Sheryl Crow, Courteney Cox and volleyball vixen Gabrielle Reece.

Aniston would do well to avoid the ripped Reece, lest she get overshadowed - figuratively and literally.

With the volleyballer back in the news, Yahoo searches on Reece are up 56%. I’m guessing lubriderm sales are skyrocketing at a similar clip.

Aniston should also exercise to this vid to help exorcise thoughts of sex with Vince “Body By Pringles” Vaughn - and avoid the prospect of dating a an individual of questionable sexual orientation.