If all you know is that Chargers’ linebacker Shawne Merriman was arrested for choking buoyant reality diva Tila Tequila on Sunday, then you don’t know the elongated, PENTHOUSE FORUM version which just surfaced last night. This story gets quite a lot more naked, as it turns out.

Because frankly all of this was boring me until I found out it included Merriman’s attempt to have a threesome; a drunk Tequila walking in on it; Tequila then threatening to have sex with one of Merriman’s friends; Tequila getting naked as she made this threat and attempting to run out of the house; Merriman choking her to keep her from leaving. Am I leaving anything out? Read more…

It’s been a day since the news first broke about Shawne Merriman’s arrest on counts of battery and false imprisonment on Tila Tequila, and both camps are staking out their respective sides. Merriman says he was trying to keep her home since she was intoxicated, and Tequila says she’s allergic to alcohol (*update*: an admission she has since deleted).

(She seems friendly. Oh, what’s that? She isn’t at all? Uh-oh.)

But the biggest blows being landed - metaphorically here, people, stick with us - are from a third party, namely one Gloria Velez. That’s her in the picture, if you couldn’t guess, wearing what looks like an incredibly inconvenient outfit. She was recently on some XM show I’ve never heard of, and she had absolutely no qualms with tossing Merriman and Tequila right out the window. The audio is hilariously NSFW, but you can watch video of her interview after the break.

Read more…

Every now and then, you see a headline that pairs two famous people of such incongruous worlds that it takes two or three good looks at it before it even starts to make sense. Add in an arrest for assault, though, and all minds are blown.

(A match made in… well, it’s definitely not heaven.)

That’s where we are with the news out of San Diego today as Shawne Merriman, he of the ever-sunny disposition, just got arrested early this morning for battery and false imprisonment in a case involving Myspace’s very first starlet, Tila “Tequila” Nguyen. Seriously, that happened.

Read more…

• The Ultimate Warrior is nice enough to add his two ultimate cents on the dearly departed Michael Jackson.

• Christian Laettner is being sued by Shawne Merriman. CL better get a good lawyer and an even better bodyguard.

• A Texas Longhorns lineman learns the hard way why you shouldn’t text & drive by plowing into a co-ed’s apartment.

• An Aussie rugby coach is serious enough about drunken behavior on his team that he fines himself $10,000 for stumbling into the wrong hotel room.

• Larry Johnson shows he can treat the ladies right by buying some gals in Vegas a really big champagne bottle.

Read more…

Ever wonder how, exactly, someone who makes tens of millions of dollars over the course of a medium-to-long pro sports career can find himself in financial ruin? Welcome to Exhibit 72,962, The Bad Investment. The stars of this episode? Former Duke basketball players Christian Laettner and Brian Davis. Oh, and for some reason, Shawne Merriman.

(With all due respect, Mr. Merriman, a Maryland alumnus really ought to know better than to trust a Dookie.)

Davis and Laettner, owners of Blue Devil Ventures, were up-and-comers in the real estate market, having successfully completed an urban redevelopment project in Durham at the beginning of the decade. Buoyed by their initial success and ability to turn a profit in the early-oughts real estate market (this is where your internal disaster alarm should be going off), the two planned a massive “second phase” in Durham while simultaneously investing in similar restoration projects across America, even trying to take on the biggest blight available: the Memphis Grizzlies.

Read more…

• We proudly(?) present photographic proof of the facial pummeling taken by Dennis Northcutt’s pregnant girlfriend.

• Tennis star Novak Djokovic is more than happy to score this kind of love - pretty Paraguay Olympian Leryn Franco.

• Despite the chance of a career-ending injury, Shawne Merriman feels the “knee-d” to play in 2008.

• A 12-year-old female hockey player vows to lace ‘em up again after suffering an on-ice stroke.

• The lowest-rated player in Madden 09 gets to prove his stuff on the field for real tonight.

Read more…

The 2008 NFL season starts in seven days. In that time, rosters will be trimmed, starting jobs will be won, and Shawne Merriman will have visited five different orthopedic surgeons to get opinions 6-10 on his knee.

Actually, Merriman only needed four second opinions advising him to sit out the season and have surgery … to convince himself that he would, in fact, play. Makes you wonder why he consulted a doctor in the first place.

The Chargers organization has been scrutinized for the decision to allow Merriman to take the field with a career-threatening injury, but maybe playing with damaged posterior cruciate and lateral collateral ligaments isn’t as bad as it sounds:

Read more…

• MOUTHPIECE SPORTS sits down with Craig Sager, and the fashionable sideline reporter shares a fun story about Ted Turner changing planes ’cause he was Fonda Jane.

• RANDBALL hears the editor-in-chief of the CHICAGO SUN-TIMES’ saying that Jay Mariotti will be missed - but “not personally, of course“.

• BUGS & CRANKS learns that Kenny Rogers is no fan of instant replay in baseball, and the perturbed pitcher blames A-Rod for it’s introduction.

• THE SLANCH REPORT wishes PEOPLE magazine would have chosen a better photo to announce Misty May-Treanor’s appearance on this season’s “Dancing With The Stars“.

Read more…

I spent most of last evening at the Playboy Mansion watching boxing, observing a nude girl tiptoe through mostly spider vein-nosed, bowling-shirted attendees, and sadly, missing Bill Maher.

(Inspiration for followup to Shaq’s Ma$$terful Kobe Rap?)

I was flummoxed by the absence of Playboy Mansion regulars Maher, Scott Baio, Jon Lovitz, Bob Saget and of course, America’s favorite mid-40s teenie stalker Pauly Shore. In consideration of that curious chasm, it was clear early on that this wasn’t the typical study in backyard debauchery for which Hef’s parties are notorious.

(What the hell Chuck, No chain wallet?)

But with my current condition, it was still better than spending the night wrangling with the ice machine at the Culver City Hilton Garden Inn.

So, what then was the highlight of the night? Well, that would be the one nude girl on the grounds. And for that I thank my gracious party hosts, Yardbarker.com.

Read more…