After the Beijing Olympics, 17-year-old Shawn Johnson suddenly has one of the world’s most recognizable faces. She’s young, she’s an Olympic gold medalist (she would have won more than one of those, if not for Alicia Sacramone), and she’s had her own official fan club since before her 15th birthday. In fact, that’s part of her problem, as one of those fans, a 34-year-old man named Robert O’Ryan, has taken things way, way, way too far, trying to break onto the set of a CBS studio where Johnson is filming the upcoming season of Dancing With the Stars.

The story comes from TMZ, via FANHOUSE — and was mentioned in this morning’s Speed Read, below — and it’s about as scary a fan issue as we can remember. Not only did O’Ryan claim he was “meant to be with,” Johnson, he also was packing a .45 caliber handgun, a shotgun, and a plethora of material that could be used to kidnap someone; duct tape, zip tiles, maps to different Johnson locations (the CBS studio, her house, etc.), love letters and “other clippings and information.”

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I’ll be blunt: End Times may be upon us. Sources have told ESPN.COM that the Clippers have had discussions with Isiah Thomas about bringing him into their front office. While the two sides have apparently only had “informal yet substantive” conversations, the thought of arguably the worst executive in NBA history joining forces with perhaps the most sad-sack franchise in all of pro sports should be enough to make anyone tremble in fear.

(A sign of things to come?)

One source within the Clippers organization (in between bouts of crying and failed suicide attempts, I’m sure) said that the discussion of bringing Thomas or Randy Pfund into the front office to “help” Mike Dunleavy is just “a smoke screen to defray the criticism of the franchise” about the lawsuit filed by former GM Elgin Baylor. I don’t know if that’s true or not; what I do know is that even throwing the idea of Thomas and the Clippers linking up is tempting fate.

(Why is this man smiling? Seriously, help me here - I have no idea.)

Because make no mistake, this is bad news on an apocalyptic scale - the Staples Center area might be turned into a giant vortex of suckage that it would collapse into itself, taking the majority of downtown LA with it. Those little yippy dogs that celebs like Paris Hilton carry in their purses would turn into blood-thirsty savages. Hollywood Boulevard might become a river of molten lava, carrying away the homeless and Japanese tourists there to see “Grease” starring Taylor Hicks to a fiery death.

I’m sure as hell leaving at once if this happens, and I’m bringing enough cyanide pills for the family in case we don’t get out in time. Perhaps I’m being a bit too panicky, but you have to plan for these things: I just have a feeling that more than the Clippers’ salary cap is going to explode if Isiah Thomas joins the Clippers.

Also making plans: NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, who is significantly more together than either Thomas or the Clippers. His latest plan, according to USA TODAY: expanding the regular season to 17 or 18 games, and eliminating one or two preseason games in the process. Imagine that…actually trying to give fans more meaningful games and eliminate season-ticket holders having to pay for lousy games featuring star players for one series and then a bunch of scrubs for the remainder of the game.

Of course, the union hasn’t approved the plan yet, and they are sure to not be pleased about their players having to play two more competitive games a season. (And if there’s an 18-game season, you can pretty much wipe out things like a 1,000-yard season as being any sort of benchmark for success.) And is certainly interesting that the league would consider putting the players through more wear and tear a day after announcing new rules to “protect” them.

Of course, Goodell has other things on his mind, like the fact that he might need to rule on Michael Vick’s status sooner rather than later. Vick left a federal prison yesterday for a bankruptcy hearing in Virginia, but the day was hardly successful. The AP reports that U.S. Department of Labor has filed complaints accusing Vick of illegally spending about $1.3 million in pension funds from one of his companies for personal reasons, including paying restitution in his dog fighting case.

This should close any debate about who the stupidest person in America is. I wonder if the Clippers have room on their staff for him?

Some other sports news from last night that you might have missed if you were in Brussels waiting in line to use the restroom…and waiting…and waiting…

• Our economy might be going down a drain, but that doesn’t mean we as Americans are too broke to engage in the American Dream: going to a baseball game and eating a hamburger the size of a kitten. The GRAND RAPIDS PRESS reports that the West Michigan Whitecaps will be debuting The Fifth Third Burger, a 4,800-calorie, four-pound behemoth that includes a one-pound bun, five patties and five slices of cheese. And a cup of chili for good measure.



• BALL DON’T LIE salutes Wizards forward Dominic McGuire, who scored on a dunk last night to break a streak of 116 minutes played without a point.
• Los Angeles TV and radio personality John Ireland made a hasty bet with James Worthy: if his UCLA Bruins didn’t advance as far as Worthy’s North Carolina Tar Heels in the NCAA Tournament, Ireland would sing the UNC fight song on TV. Bad idea, after the Bruins tanked against Villanova. Here are the unfortunate results - it’s like the drunk guy at karaoke who gets pressured into singing by his friends and spends his whole time on stage planning ways to kill them.
• YAHOO! SPORTS takes promoter Bob Arum to task for encouraging American fans to attend a fight card in Tijuana this weekend, despite the U.S. government’s warning on travel. Something about armed drug violence turning into a civil war. Bob, I think I’ll catch it on TV instead.
• Scary stuff for Olympic gymnastic hero Shawn Johnson: NEWSDAY reports that a nutjob armed with two guns and duct tape tried to break into the set of “Dancing with the Stars” and “get to” Johnson and her dancing partner. To be fair, if she wasn’t interested in him, she shouldn’t have been sending subliminal messages to him through the TV and through ESP. Women.
• Of all the things I would think to impersonate in a scam, a youth soccer referee wouldn’t be one of them. But DIRTY TACKLE says that’s just what some fake ref did in Northern Ireland, convincing three teams to give him a “match fee” before games he never reffed.
• Apparently the NHL doesn’t like it when a goaltender pushes a referee and then shoots a puck at him: the TORONTO GLOBE AND MAIL says that Martin Gerber of the Toronto Maple Leafs has been suspended three games after going nuts Tuesday against the Washington Captials.
• The Boston Celtics death spiral continues as the BOSTON GLOBE reports the Magic beat them 84-82 to edge closer to the No. 2 seed in the Eastern Conference. Is it too late to give last year’s MVP to Kevin Garnett since we know now just how much he means to this team?
• I think it’s fair to say that the Dallas police officer who stopped Houston Texans RB Ryan Moats from being at his dying mother-in-law’s bedside - at the hospital parking lot, over a red light - should not just be suspended or fired, but drawn and quartered. SPORTS RUBBISH has the awful, infuriating details.
• For some players, spring training is a chance to get in shape; for others, it’s a chance to hit the free buffet in the locker room every day. THE LOVE OF SPORTS looks at the Top 10 Overweight Baseball Players. Maybe they’ll win a free Fifth Third Burger for making it on the list?

If you’re a coach of a women’s gymnastics team, the ASSOCIATED PRESS has a report out today that might cause you to consider taking that hidden video camera out of the locker room.

(Mr. Camerman, I’ve got a tripod handy!)

University of Illinois police have served search warrants on the home, computer and e-mail accounts of a former gymnastics coach who’s being investigated after a video camera was discovered in a locker room.

Sgt. Tom Geis says investigators are going over the information recovered from Jon Valdez’s home. He says they hope to turn the information over to Champaign County prosecutors this week.

Valdez helped train U.S. gymnasts at the Beijing Olympics.

Shocking! Actually, based on Valdez’s past, maybe it isn’t. Read more…

One of the most overlooked stories of the baseball season is coming to the fore as the Brewers bumble down the stretch:

Why is no one talking about how gigantic *vegetarian* Prince Fielder has become?

That photo looks like about a 40-pound weight gain in two years. I saw Fielder in L.A. a few weeks ago and he’s so fat now that he nearly keels over every time he has to make a defensive play. He also is having a subpar year and hasn’t hit a lick in the past month.

In early August, he attacked a teammate in the dugout and then later saying he didn’t need to apologize for his passion for the game. He’s 50 pounds overweight yet he’s passionate about his profession?

While no one is saying boo right now about Fielder’s overgrown girth (Ned? Doug? Hello?!), you can bet if the Brewers flame out again at the end of the season, and Fielder continues his downward hitting trend, the elephant in the clubhouse room will be impossible to ignore.

Tuesday Ellen DeGeneres had Olympic pixie (and hottie in my book) Shawn Johnson on her TV talk show. Yesterday, it was Olympic volleyball hotties Kerri Walsh and Misty May-Treanor bouncing around while wearing next to nothing.

(Ellen feels the need to strap on a diaper?)

SPORTS BUSINESS DAILY reports that during the show, May-Treanor talked about the “butt slaps” Walsh gives her during matches, saying, “I don’t notice it because I’m on the receiving end. … It’s like a high-five now.”

Later, show guest Pamela Anderson asked DeGeneres, “Are (Walsh and May-Treanor) coming out?” Anderson then ripped off her dress to reveal a bikini, saying, “I can’t help myself.”

Funny, I thought that was Ellen’s line.

I got to thinking about it, and I realized that I’m probably the only person breathing who has hosted both the USC and Ohio State radio broadcast pre- and postgame shows. And taken calls from fans of both teams on their home radio station.

I worked for Ohio State radio flagship WBNS in Columbus back in the ’90s, and along with my football gameday duties, co-hosted a daily sports talkshow with ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit.

(SbB Girl Jenna at USC game with tickets from My Boy Barry)

And in the early ’00s, I hosted pre- and postgame activities for then-USC football radio flagship KMPC in Los Angeles.

I’ve had a couple people ask me this week about the intensity of the fans from the two schools. I can say, unequivocally, that Ohio State fans are the craziest I’ve ever come across.

When I cohosted Herbstreit’s daily show, we had to put a moratorium on OSU-Michigan calls to the show except for game week, ‘else that’s all people would ever call about. No matter what time of year. Meanwhile, like everything else here, USC gets a little swallowed up in the massive L.A. market. Not to mention the local UCLA fans who despise the school they call the University of Spoiled Children.

(SbB Girl Jenna at USC game with tickets from My Boy Barry)

And when I first arrived in L.A., back in 2000, the Trojans were trying to escape the depths of the Paul Hackett era. With Ohio State gamedays still fresh in my mind, I remember well how pathetic I thought USC tailgating was at that time. The atmosphere was subdued at best, and the campus nearly devoid of students on game day. It was appalling.

But since Pete Carroll’s unprecendented run of championship football, things have changed dramatically. Now the Coliseum area is a swarm of food, booze and frolic before SC games. Not at the obscene scale of Ohio Stadium pregame, but give it time. And a few Donatos franchises.

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In case you are unaware, Frank and Jamie McCourt were hand-picked by Bud Selig to buy the Dodgers precisely because they didn’t have enough money to properly operate a large market MLB franchise. Between their empty pockets and front office bumbling, Selig and his small-marketed minions now won’t ever have to worry about a mega-payroll emanating out of Los Angeles.

One problem though, what if the McCourts go broke?

Today T.J. Simers writes that apparently the McCourts are “short on cash,” and recently sent out a letter to season ticket holders asking for renewals on 2009 seats at 2008 prices. Thanks Manny!

Simers also notes the letter “goes on to a second page with talk of community service, alumni appearances and autographs — the McCourts declining to take credit for keeping the unwashed from mixing with the rich folk.”

Interesting to hear Simers indirectly invoke what I pointed out last week in the Brog: the absurd wall separating pricey seatholders and regular field boxes.

As for the Dodgers’ playoff chances, though Simers buries the team today, I fully expect them to outlast the top-heavy D’Backs and land the least competitive MLB playoff spot - with a first round exit to follow. That will hasten the demise of GM Ned Colletti, who is more to blame for the McCourts’ shortfall than anyone. The club’s longtime farm director, Logan White, is your next Dodger GM.

With Beijing behind us, like you, I’m really enjoying tracking all the commercial endorsements landed by Olympic Athletes. Earlier today Eamonn posted on the landmark Michael Phelps-less Wheaties boxes (Bryan Clay?!).

And now I’m pleased to present my favorite Olympic athlete endorsement, featuring gymnast hottie Shawn Johnson.

In this clip, Shawn tells us all about her favorite taco:

Or Shawn’s favorite Johnson, for that matter.

Judd Zulgad and Chip Scoggins of the MINNEAPOLIS STAR-TRIBUNE report today that “the NFL suspended left tackle Bryant McKinnie for the first four games of the season for violating the league’s personal conduct policy.”

(Will Toccara tolerate Smirnoff  instead of Grey Goose from BK at Prive?)

That personal conduct by McKinnie included being “arrested on four charges, including one felony, stemming from a brawl outside a Miami nightclub in February.”

With the suspension, McKinnie will lose about $750,000 in game checks. Dan Le Batard of Miami’s 790 The Ticket radio has often said that McKinnie will spend upwards of $20K on booze and other accoutrements during a night out in South Beach (thanks to a plethora of hangers-on). Guess the big fella will have to dial it down from Grey Goose to Smirnoff next time at Cameo.  Read more…

Nastia Luikin might be the golden girl of the US Olympics gymnastics team, but the breakout star might be Alicia Sacramone. In ways that the mainstream media is unable to comprehend, Sacramone has become one of the most talked about & searched-for athletes (or even celebrities of any kind) in the past few weeks. BANNED IN HOLLYWOOD offers some visual proof of why Sacramone might be a bigger hit than Luikin with the online crowd despite her lack of Olympic success:

That’s Sacramone in the middle, with Liukin directly to her right. I have no idea who the other girls are. They might be other members of the Olympic gymnastics team for all I know: I defy anyone to remember any member of the team besides those two and Shawn Johnson. All I know is that in the All-Around Hotness race, Sacramone has crushed Liukin in the Bikini portion, a fact not even Bela Karolyi can argue.

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The real reason to get into sports radio - procuring potential Playboy Playmates.

• Joe Buck bellows that he’s now bored with baseball. Boo-freaking-hoo.

• We cringe in sympathy for Diamondbacks catcher Chris Snyder, who’s been placed on the DL with a fractured left testicle.

• A sprinter runs for 30 seconds then rests for 30 seconds - but is it art?

• Tonight’s the last chance to stuff all those MLB All-Star ballot boxes! A-Rod & Jeter thank you.

• Who wears short shorts? The U.S. Olympic men’s volleyball team certainly doesn’t want to find out.

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Iowa could not be more proud of its little ball of perk, Olympian gymnast Shawn Johnson. She’s favored to win gold in Beijing, so much so that we wouldn’t be surprised to find out Wheaties has already assigned a graphic designer to work on her box. They’ve even started building statues for the 16-year-old lass in the Hawkeye State.

(This guy also worked on Tiger Woods’ knee)

Bronze is fine and all, but Shawn knows she’s truly loved by her fellow Iowans now that they’ve sculpted a life-size version of the pint-sized gymnast in butter, the chosen medium of art installations across the Midwest, just in time for the Iowa State Fair. Once the other gymnasts find out about this, they might as well skip the smog and stay home.
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