Dear Chicago Cubs,
Enclosed, please find a bill for $70,400. This will even the ledger for the thirty-plus years of “existential damages” left by your utter inability to seal the deal, leaving us exposed to cruel taunts from other sports fans. Please deliver via cashier’s check since we don’t know how long your checks will be good now that Jay Mariotti isn’t around to keep the newspaper business propped up.
(”Oh… oh, God… ‘Cubs suck’? Hold me.”)
If you find this request someone ludicrous, please note that this sum has been taken directly from a recent court case won in Italy by a poor aggrieved soccer fan who had to read cruel taunting banners from Inter Milan fans against his fair town of Naples. He has been awarded 1500 Euros for damages borne from signs calling his town the “sewer of Italy” and riffing on that theme.