Speed Read: Mo Saves #500 As Mets Melt Again

Back in April of 1996, Minnesota Twins manager Tom Kelly said of Mariano Rivera: “That guy, he should be in a higher league. Ban him from baseball. He should be illegal.” At the time, Rivera had zero Major League saves and the Mets and Yankees had never played each other in a game that counted. Last night, Mo earned his 500th career save in a 4-2 win over the Mets, and it will be just as memorable for what he did at the plate than what he did on the mound.

Mariano Rivera

Rivera came in to pitch in the 8th inning last night with the Yankees clinging to a 3-2 lead and Met runner in scoring position. After striking out Omir Santos, the Yankee lineup ended up getting to Rivera’s spot in the order. And Mo did something he had never ever done in his Major League career — reach base. Not only that, he earned an RBI for his bases-loaded walk by Francisco Rodriguez.

Earlier in the inning, the Yankees had engaged in some shenangians, sending Francisco Cervelli to the on-deck circle for Rivera when Derek Jeter was up with runners on 2nd and 3rd with 2 outs. This led to maybe the only time in history in which Steve Phillips and Joe Morgan have made tons of sense. There’s no way Rivera’s coming out of the game, with the Yankees leading 3-2, yet Jerry Manuel initially chose to have K-Rod pitch to Jeter with a base open. Knowing, mind you, that there was a 0% chance that Joe Girardi would lift Rivera for a pinch-hitter. Morgan and Phillips stopped just short of calling Manuel a moron for throwing Jeter a strike on the first pitch. After two balls out of the zone, the Mets finally gave Jeter the free pass. Rivera, of course, strolled to the plate, and was promptly walked (after he fought off a tough 2-2 pitch).

Rivera is still #2 all-time in saves to Trevor Hoffman, but will go down in history as the best closer ever because of his ridiculous 0.77 ERA (in 117+ innings) and 34 saves in the postseason. Plus, he’s now the only closer in MLB history with 500 saves who has been walked by another pitcher (Hoffman has no walks in 35 plate appearances).

It’s only fitting that the Mets were instrumental in all of this, as they keep finding new and interesting ways to fail against their cross-town rivals.

Luis Castillo

Speaking of fail, a little league game broke out in Arizona yesterday when the D-Backs hosted the Angels. Not only did Gary Matthews pull of a straight steal of home (which the media apparently thinks isn’t as “scrappy” as Jacoby Ellsbury doing it), but Arizona’s defense in the top of the fifth inning would’ve shamed Morris Buttermaker.

Diamondbacks fan

Let us count the ways:

1) Shortstop Stephen Drew lobbed a perfect strike to first baseman Mark Reynolds on a routine grounder. And Reynolds dropped the ball. Just dropped it. It was so bad, it actively looked like he was either trying to drop the ball or had never played baseball in his life.

2) Maicer Izturis lined a shot directly to right fielder Justin Upton. This ball also had the gall to hit Upton right in the glove, and he too made a complete mess out of it, as it bounded away from him and rolled to the wall.

3) The next batter, Bobby Abreu hit a ground ball directly at second baseman Felipe Lopez, who fielded the ball and threw him out. Unfortunately, the ball Lopez fielded was imaginary and the actual ball was somewhere in right-center.

This disaster came just one day after Arizona played a bunt by Erick Aybar into a t-ball home run (courtesy of two throwing errors on the same play). Is it any wonder the D-Backs are 30-46? Weren’t they one of the rising teams in baseball a couple of years ago?

Diamondbacks fan

By now, you’ve surely heard about the big soccer game yesterday, in which the Americans lost a heartbreaker to Brazil in the final of a goofy tournament that seemed to exist mostly to see if South Africa could host the World Cup next year without anyone dying. And, by all accounts, things went pretty well there other than the airhorns that the locals blew non-stop for the duration of every game (FIFA went as far as to try and temper the outcry by writing an article explaining how important making a horrible noise for two straight hours is to the South African people). Oh, and there was also the whole thing with the hookers and the Egyptians. But other than that, everything was great.

And everything was looking really great for the U.S., which came back from near-certain elimination in the group stage of the Confederations Cup to shock Spain in the semis and take a 2-0 halftime lead over Brazil in the final. And while the Americans deserved the early lead, the Brazilians were clearly the better team over the course of 90 minutes, outshooting the U.S. 31-9. It was only a matter of time before they found the back of the net, and they beat Tim Howard three times in the second half to take the title.

Brazil

The NEW YORK TIMES says that U.S. soccer narrowly missed a “moment” it needed to gain the sport traction in this country again. While the run to the 2002 World Cup quarterfinals was gripping, the games were played in the middle of the night and the Americans came up short in the one game everyone finally tuned into (the quarterfinal loss to Germany). Likewise, most casual fans missed the huge win over Spain on Wednesday, but were glued to the screen as Brazil stormed back to crush our dreams once again on Sunday.

Still, the U.S. soccer program is in better shape now than it has ever been, but if the sport is really going to take the next step in this country (if that can actually ever happen), they can’t afford to have a weak showing on the return trip to South Africa next summer.

US soccer

• The single-A California League is known as the place where pitchers’ ERAs go to die. This is especially true in the wind-blown desert of Victorville, where the High Desert Mavericks scored 18 runs last night in a home game against the Lake Elsinore Storm. Oh, and they lost by 15 runs.

You read that right. The Storm scored 22 runs in the first five innings, then added 11 more in the last two, and beat High Desert 33-18. The game lasted 4 hours and 10 minutes and was played in 100-degree heat. There were 10 home runs hit, and Lake Elsinore’s starting pitcher gave up 11 runs and would’ve earned the win if his manager hadn’t lifted him with 2 outs in the fifth inning and his team leading by 11 runs. Lake Elsinore picked up 32 hits while the Mavericks had 26. Two of those hits were by outfielder James McOwen, a lightly-regarded prospect who extended his hitting streak to a league-record 36 games.

• The CHICAGO TRIBUNE’s Phil Rogers has a mean case of sports columnist hyperbole syndrome, suggesting that the the Cubs should waive Carlos Zambrano because they’ll never win anything with him on the team. That may be true, but of course they’ll be further away from winning anything without him, because, you know, he’s a good pitcher.

• A teenager is being congratulated for driving like three times the speed limit in New Hamsphire.

Free Shawn Estes!

• TNT’s play-by-play man for NASCAR was suspended from yesterday’s broadcast for a “loud and public confrontation” that took place at his hotel the other night. Nobody in the booth mentioned their missing colleague, Bill Weber.

Ricky Rubio is now faced with the harrowing dilemma of whether to live in Minnesota or Turkey.

• Hey, when did Dennis Rodman become a Laker fan? (photo courtesy of J.E. Skeets)

scary Laker girl

• Hey, things are looking up, Detroit — Marian Hossa probably isn’t coming back, so you can go back to winning Stanley Cups now.

• The sock-puppet Stephen A. Smith, who is sort of the Triumph the Insult Comic Dog of the NBA Draft, made his final appearance at the Draft on Thursday. I will have a cheez doodle in his honor.

• BLACK VOICES says Serena Williams is writing a TV pilot inspired by both “Sex and the City” and “Family Guy.”  Just to warn you, Serena, the Sarah Jessica Parker-looks-like-a-horse joke is kind of a tired bit now.

• Scottish star Andy Murray is drawing record crowds to see him play at Wimbledon this year, and he’s up against Stanislas Wawrinka in the fourth round today. And if you tune in, you might want to keep your eyes peeled for Murray’s girlfriend, Kim Sears:

Kim Sears

Kim Sears

Has America’s performance in the Confederations Cup made you more interested in watching the World Cup next summer?

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What’s Up With All The Nude Pics Of Steffi Graf?

One of my favorite women’s tennis players of all time is Steffi Graf, who celebrated her 40th birthday this week. Thanks to her bullet-like forehands and unparalleled athleticism, Graf was as dominant in her era as any women’s player in history.

Steffi Graf Bikini Shot

But of course as a teenager, all I remember were those unbelievable legs. My god, what a body. Safe to say back then I wasn’t the only Steffi fan who rarely came up for air. (What’s this schnozz you speak of?)

Who was the more dominant player?

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So with Graf’s big 4-0 upon us this week, I set out to comb the interwebs for some fine photos of her. And what I found was, ahem, a little shocking.

Steffi Graf Topless

(Early ’90s Graf inspiration for Sacha Cohen’s Bruno?)

Turns out there are a ton of nude photos of Graf posted on the web.  Nipple slips, candid nudes on the beach, and about a bajillion unflattering upskirt shots on the court. There so many nudes that you almost wonder if some of them are fake. (No, that’s not what I meant - they’re real.)

Steffi Graf Nipple Slip

(Graf nipple slip or wigged out Andy Dick making it at Missie B.’s?)

Anwway, most of the shots look to be from cheesy European tabloids whose photographers had not yet discovered the wonderment that is White Balance.

Steffi Graf is hotter…

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My absolute favorite? A nude Steffi toweling off outdoors next to her bloated, beached father Peter - who looks like an extra from Casino.

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Speed Read: Braves Get Their Man (& Ditch One)

Credit the Atlanta Braves for knowing how to manage a news cycle. They flipped three prospects to the Pittsburgh Pirates for Nate McLouth to answer the need for outfield help (which they failed to answer correctly the first time by not signing Adam Dunn in the offseason), and called up Tommy Hanson (pitching phenom) and sent down Jordan Schafer (outfielder phenom) and look at all the exciting news!

Nate McLouth

(Nate McLouth: interstate man of mystery no longer)

And, oh by the way, they cut local hero Tom Glavine so they wouldn’t have to pay him up to $3.5 million to throw weaker than Jamie Moyer in a headwind when they don’t really need a farewell tour but more of a starting pitcher. But look! Nate McLouth! All-Star!

Braves GM Frank Wren swears it’s not about the money - which always means it’s about the money. McLouth is actually fairly inexpensive through 2011 with a club option for 2012 if he’s worth $10 million, but the team is replacing three minor league salaries with a major league one (roughly speaking).

Glavine will look for another job and has a decent chance of finding one if the price is right for a desperate franchise. However, no franchise has shown enough desperation to hook up with Sammy Sosa since Baltimore began its bizarre fascination with Chicago Cubs outfielders in 2005 and Texas took Sammy out around the block in 2007.

Sammy Sosa getting hit in head

Therefore, he’s announcing his retirement officially this week… sometime. As always, Sammy has to get an extra swing or two in before finally connecting, so his actual retirement will be later this week. Possibly.

Some will celebrate their last chance to moralize about him before his Hall of Fame eligibility kicks in. Others will tell Sammy to put a cork in it because they’re sick of him. The best recommendation? Smash a boom box with a baseball bat. It’s like an aural piñata!

Finally, the U.S. Men’s National Soccer Team squirted the bed in a simply filthy manner last night in San José, Costa Rica. The U.S. squad gave up two goals in the first 15 minutes of a World Cup qualifier to Costa Rica at the notoriously difficult Saprissa Stadium (banned: alcohol, batteries, and coins) on their way to a 3-1 thumping that wasn’t remotely that close.

Costa Rican Superman

(A Costa Rican Superman? Well, that explains a lot)

The bastard out there at ESPN that thought it would help ratings if they jammed Jon & Kate Plus 8 in front of U.S. keeper Tim Howard instead delivered a showing that led the Galavision announcers to chastise the Costa Ricans for not stomping on the throats of the Americans even more and to compare one goal in particular to stealing candy from a baby.

Jon & Kate Plus 8 Plus Tim Howard

(Actual photo of attempted defensive wall)

Because of two silly yellow cards received by two U.S. players, the American team will be short two people when they play against Honduras at Soldier Field in Chicago Saturday, in what promises to feel like an away game with maybe 25% of the 60,000 fans cheering for Uncle Sam’s boys. If the U.S. doesn’t earn three points with a win, there’s a very real chance they could miss next year’s World Cup in South Africa.

If U.S. coach Bob Bradley is still looking for a left back that has never played there before in a crucial situation, why not call on Tom Glavine? He’s available; he’s a winner; he’s looking for a job. At worst, he can help heave batteries back into the crowd at a gentle 83 mph.

And now a hail of sapphire bullet points of pure love for the Queen of the Blues on her passing

  • One old baseball man who tabled his moment in the sun: Randy Johnson. His first attempt at 300 wins in D.C. last night got washed out by Mother Nature (whom Randy went to elementary school with) and will be played today at 4 pm ET with Mr. Unit on the mound.
  • Carlos Zambrano continues to show disrespect to inanimate objects by blowing off the team jet to Atlanta (and not for the first time). Needless to say, this story doesn’t have legs if the Cubs aren’t splashing around .500 still.
  • Also filed under “not living up to expectations and therefore open to criticism”, please note the Serena Williams entry created when she lost in the quarterfinals. She showed up to the French Open out of shape mentally and physically, choosing to wear outfits that accentuated the latter and threw snit fits that proved the former. The only person this “athlete/actress” is cheating is herself.

Serena Williams at the 2009 French Open

Jose Lima Wife

How did the Braves’ efforts yesterday affect the NL East race?

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Serena Williams Spits Bile Twice at French Open

Serena Williams doesn’t understand why her life is so full of emotion, you know? Why so much drama?

I’m like one of those girls on a reality show that has all the drama, and everyone in the house hates them because no matter what they do, like, drama follows them. I don’t want to be that girl.

Serena Williams at the 2009 French Open

(”This… is a forearm. Do not make me smack you with it.”)

F’r'nstance, why would her French Open opponent today (Maria Jose Martinez Sanchez) totally lie about being struck by a ball stuck by Serena and be all mean and steal a point that should have belonged to Serena? Why would she do that? And why would Sanchez say it was “stupid” that Williams claimed that was “cheating”? Serena doesn’t want to call people cheaters!

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Laettner’s Not Likeable; No NFL For ‘Sex Offender’

Grant Hill reveals that Christian Laettner is a big jerk. In other news, sky is blue, water is wet, Duke is overrated.

Grant Hill Christian Laettner

• A former U of Minnesota running back can’t leave the state to attend an NFL tryout - just because he’s an “untreated sex offender“.

• There’s nothing like a buzzer-beater to punch your ticket to the Big Dance.

• The Yankees hope to have the healthiest ballpark in the league.

• Delaware seems determined to take a gamble on sports betting.

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Williams Sisters Share Same Age As New Stepmom

Venus & Serena Williams will soon be welcoming a new stepmother into the family. And the sisters should have a lot in common with their new mom - such as their age.

Venus Serena Williams Richard Williams Stepmom

Jose Lambiet of the PALM BEACH POST’s PAGE 2 LIVE lobs up the news that 67-year-old tennis dad Richard Williams is engaged to 30-year-old Lakeisha Graham. To put it in perspective, Lakeisha is only one year older than prospective stepdaughter Venus & two years older than prospective stepdaughter Serena.

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Mia Lines Has A Mean Backhand For A 4-Year Old

When Tiger Woods and his wife had a son on Sunday, there were a lot of jokes about how in two years he was going to be better than half the golfers on the PGA Tour. They were jokes, sure, but really were they that far off? I mean, after all, wasn’t Tiger only two years old when he appeared on The Mike Douglas Show? The truth is, parents are getting their kids started in sports earlier and earlier in hopes of cashing in on their progeny.

Mia Lines

One such sport where this has been prevalent for a while is tennis. Stars such as Venus Williams, Serena Williams, and Maria Sharapova were trained as children to be tennis machines, and it paid off in the form of millions of dollars in winnings and endorsements. Which is why if you’re going to train your little girl to be a tennis pro, you should probably hire the same coach who taught those three. Even if your daughter is only four years old.

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No SB Parade For Steelers; Teacher Shoots Baller

• Win or lose, Pittsburgh will not be throwing a parade for the Steelers.

Fat Steelers girl

(Sorry, ladies - you’ll have to find another reason to stand on a street corner)

• A North Carolina teacher who kidnapped & shot a women’s college basketball player receives the ultimate punishment - suspension with pay.

• Hey, Barry Bonds - looks like urine real trouble now!

• Why not buy a PSL for a football team that doesn’t exist?

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SbB Caption Contest: Serena Shrieks To Victory

Hey, readers! Time once again for another SbB Clever Caption Contest!

Today we head back Down Under, where Serena Williams screeches in triumph upon winning her semifinal match in the Australian Open:

Serena Williams shouting

So, what is this Williams Sister wailing about? Submit your suggestions into the comments section linked below. Winner will be loudly announced in the end-of-the-day recap.

GOOD LUCK AND GOOD WRITING!!!!

Streaker Interrupts Williams Sisters Doubles Match

Someone finally had the nerve to expose Venus & Serena Williams for who they were. Um, wait, check that - someone finally had the nerve to expose themselves during a Venus & Serena Williams match.

Venus Serena Williams laugh

(Fellas, it’s never a good sign when ladies laugh at your naked body)

REUTERS reports that a streaker strutted his stuff during an Aussie Open doubles match between the Williams Sisters and Aymui Morita & Martina Mueller. The man showed the world what he’s made of down under for a good 14 seconds before security took him away.

So how did this nude net fan court the crowd’s attention for so long?

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