It’s easy to get cynical here at SbB headquarters, what with all the golfers robbing banks, soccer moms assaulting wheelchair kids and Alonzo Mourning-Janet Reno death matches. And now the candy machine is busted! I want a Clark Bar! Thankfully, I can cure my cravings for sweets in other ways: Like with this sugary, sappy story.

Meet Mississippi State hoops center Jarvis Varnado, who has led the nation in blocks for two years straight, and propelled the Bulldogs to an SEC title and NCAA Tournament appearance last season. Despite this, he’s suddenly playing as a walk-on. What happened to his scholarship? Here comes the feel-good part I was telling you about.

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For much of the past two centuries, “The South will rise again” has been a favorite phrase/threat/promise of the sort of people who still call the Civil War the “War of Northern Aggression.” Haughty northerners treated such pronouncements with a mix of pity and disdain for our gauche Southern cousins, but we certainly never took them seriously. What, were they going to load up their pickup trucks full of shotguns and bourbon and come raid Chicago? We thought not, old chaps.

(Photo credit: C’lay Travis)

But of course, as with most things in life, we were wrong. The South is rising again, and soon they will rule us all. They are taking over the country bit by bit…not by musket, alcohol, or fried foodstuffs as one might expect, but by college football. It’s ESS-EEE-SEE speed, and it’s coming to a cold-weather city near you.

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Folks in Auburn were less than thrilled when the school signed the losingest coach in the Big 12. Folks at Iowa State were less than thrilled with him leaving, since all the co-eds wanted to sex him up good. So it’s no surprise that Gene Chizik might have some enemies.

But there’s a bit of a mystery surrounding FireGeneChizik.com. Why was it registered before he coached a single game for the Tigers? Was it done by Auburn fans or ISU fans? And why, for the love of God, does it redirect to the University of Central Florida’s player profile page for Kevin Smith, now in the NFL?

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• A-Rod isn’t being hit too hard by this economic downturn, as he’s apparently using Benjamins as napkins. (via UMPBUMP)

• Chase Daniel and Warren Buffett: gangstas.

• The Phoenix Suns are doing their best to stay off of YouTube, says the EAST VALLEY TRIBUNE’s Jerry Brown.

• Al Davis probably needs to prove that the Patriots tampered with Randy Moss, or he might be looking at a hefty fine, says Adam Schecter of NFL.COM. Meanwhile, PRO FOOTBALL TALK is reporting that Lane Kiffin is being advised to sue Davis for defamation.

• Royals GM Dayton Moore tells the KANSAS CITY STAR’s Joe Posnanski that he’s had just about enough of sucking: “We’re not a young team anymore. We’re not an improving team anymore. There are no more excuses.”

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After spending 11 months stewing over a stunning home loss to Vanderbilt last season that precipitated a late-season tailspin, South Carolina marched into Nashville on Thursday night and finally atoned for its football sins with a throttling of the lowly ‘Dores.

Or, maybe they didn’t.

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The LEXINGTON HERALD-LEADER gets a busy signal, as a teleconference with SEC women’s basketball coaches was interrupted by prank calls.

The H-L reports, “The questions were graphic in nature, and included inquiries about coaches having sexual relations with players and players’ performances based on their menstrual cycles.” Unfortunately, the media meeting was adjourned before Pat Summitt got her chance to speak.

The SEC is trying to figure out how the pranksters were able to phone in with their bogus questions. League officials say they’ve traced the calls to about 6 or 7 different numbers, which each calling in numerous times.

The bravado of these teleconference tricksters is amusing. But do they have the guts to pull the same thing on Bobby Knight?