Someone better spread out some tarp for Scott Spiezio’s new jail cell.

• Jon Stewart, comedic television star & collegiate soccer stud:

• Cubs owner Sam Zell chews on selling naming rights to Wrigley Field.

• The Atlantic City Surf is willing to take a big gamble on Cecil Fielder.

• Tim Tebow is voting for none of the above.

• Billy Wagner gets mad at Michigan players giving it the ol’ college try.

Read more…

We’re still reeling from ESPN’s announcement that the network bounced Sean Salisbury after 12 years.

L.A. TIMES codger Larry Stewart has Sean’s *exclusive* reax - for those of us who care: “I’d grown tired of being punished for not being an NFL superstar. Analysts who don’t work as hard as me, don’t prepare as hard as me, and don’t have my resume were making more than me just because of their ability to throw or catch a football.” Read more…

Michael David Smith of AOL FANHOUSE reports that ESPN’s Sean Salisbury is setting sail from Bristol.

The NFL analyst is parting ways with the Worldwide Leader after 12 years of service. But he didn’t leave without selling himself to potential employers. Read more…

We close out the first month of 2008 with two great gifts from Bristol, CT:

• The greatest Chris Berman video you’ll ever see:

• And if the vision of a sweat-stained Boomer ruins your day, pick yourself back up by scanning over this new shot of sideline siren Erin Andrews:

• The study also serves as a Spearmint Rhino: Super Bowl house rentals now come with a stripper option.

• Bill Walker must be relieved that K-State finally beat Kansas at home.

• Florida Marlins cheerleader tryouts - need we say more?

Read more…

Booksmith Will Leitch of DEADSPIN has your first (and only?) opportunity to glad-hand with Sean Salisbury tonight in Phoenix: “Competing with our (Deadspin) party tonight: A “Cancer Blows” charity event in Glendale hosted by Sean Salisbury and George Foreman. A noble cause, but we wonder how they will grill all that food.”

(Vote! Vote! … oh, it’s too late, sorry)

It’s an outright tragedy that the gang from Deadspin will miss an opportunity to meet up with an esteemed member of the SHOTY’s pantheon of greats, especially considering last year’s hijinks in South Florida.

One thing if you go, don’t ask him about the Nutrisystem thing. From his alarmingly expanding wasteline (has anyone else noticed?), that’s probably a touch subject right now (we’ve also heard Salisbury recently had a bout with skin cancer).

But if you see this guy, feel free to hammer him about his similar backslide (how many times you think he’s been asked about Jacobson since he’s landed?).

PATRICK LANDS FIRST RADIO AFFILIATE - ON L.A. STATION: Don Barrett of LARadio.com reports that Dan Patrick will have at least one affiliate when he radio show kicks off Oct. 1: KLAC-AM in Los Angeles, which also serves as the flagship station for the Lakers and UCLA.

Current KLAC-AM morning host Fred Roggin broke the news this morning: “This is going to be our final show together on KLAC. Yesterday, [we received] the somewhat sobering, yet exciting news. As many of you know, Dan Patrick, who worked for ESPN for many years, left that network and became a free agent and decided to go with syndicated radio.

“As the story goes, as the crow flies, as the wind blows, Clear Channel, which owns this station, signed Dan Patrick. Dan Patrick needed a Los Angeles home. Given the fact that from the very beginning of our go-round here, it had been trumpeted that it was only going to last a year.”

Roggin co-hosted the show with T.J. Simers of the L.A. Times, who weighed in with, “I made it very clear to management that this was killing me. I’m an old man. This was a tall order we took on. It was bigger than I thought. As recently as a couple of weeks ago I told them I couldn’t do it every day. So I think it was pretty much understood that we were not going to continue in the same format.

“Everything they said they would do, they’ve lived up to. I’ve got no problem because I was gone in December. And for Don Martin [KLAC gm/pd] to be right once again that local sports radio can’t make it in the morning. That was the thing you just couldn’t argue with.”

Correction: Morning sports radio in L.A. can succeed, just not with Simers at the helm (fueled by 11 minutes sleep). We’ll be shocked if the dreadful Patrick (at least as a radio host) lasts as long as the Roggin-Simers pairing did.

MATT LEINART SHOOTS MOVIE ROLE AT PLAYBOY MANSION: ESPN THE MAGAZINE has the very latest on Matt Leinart’s unparalleled commmitment to preparing for Arizona Cardinals games.

Just kidding, ETM reports Leinart recently week shot a cameo at the Playboy Mansion for producer Adam Sandler’s feature film “House Bunny”.

The movie, about a Playboy employee who becomes a sorority housemother after Hugh Hefner “boots her for being too old“, will also feature Shaq, Dan Patrick and Sean Salisbury (yes!). How Berman got passed over for duty in the Grotto we’ll never know.

One question: If Sandler is happily married, why the hell is he further postponing the inevitable Happy Gilmore sequel (Bob Barker’s ticker is on the clock) for 90 cinematic minutes of Playboy-based pap?<