Reality used to be a friend of Ron Artest’s. However, it was long before the public met the kid from St. John’s a decade ago. For example, no one would be surprised to find out the new Gatorade/Tiger Woods cartoons seem like mini-documentaries to the Tru Warier because he has secretly considered himself the NBA’s Dr. Doolittle for years.

Therefore, we shouldn’t be shocked to find out reality’s been stiffing his calls again. After a questionable ejection in last night’s 111-98 Rockets loss to the Lakers to tie the series at one game apiece, Artest entertained the media with alternating moments of clarity speaking about the ejection and tales about that one time he was in Space Jam II as directed by Quentin Tarantino.

Apparently, this is the first time in Artest’s storied violent past that he remembered a pick-up game where tempers flared and one player snapped the leg off a nearby table and threw it with enough force to pierce the heart of another. By the way, Violet Palmer would only call a flagrant one on that.

One expert on keeping it real is Skip to My Lou himself, Rafer Alston. Eddie House’s yipping dog act (which is only the third-most irritating version on this Celtics squad) wormed its way under the skin of the boy from Queens, causing this rather understandable reaction:

The head slap will probably take the Orlando Magic’s only nominal point guard out of an upcoming game, a rather unappealing proposition after the 112-94 posterior-kicking administed by the Celtics last night. Ron Artest would like to know what reality would eject him for chattering with Kobe Bryant about his flailing elbows while a head smack only earns double techs.

He might start by asking the woman found in Dirk Nowitzki’s home Wednesday. Surely, one of the eight aliases she’s used in previous forgery convictions can speak to the matter. Also, maybe one of them is a lawyer that can explain why she was arrested in Nowitzki’s house for theft of service and probation violations.

(”No, man… I was just asking if you saw ‘House’ last night.  Why so sensitive?”)

And maybe one of those aliases once killed a man with a table leg from 20 feet. Hey, it’s no stranger than knowing Ron Artest took the Houston Rockets to a plane of existence Tracy McGrady never could: the second round.

Your hail of bullet points today may seem a bit odd, but there’s a reason for that:

• Wayne Gretzky could make up to $22.5 million if the Coyotes sale goes through. Or, as Janet Jones calls it, “walking-around money in Vegas”.
• The Miami Heat and Dwyane Wade are talking extension, which would be going much faster except Wade can’t decide if he wants “Dwyane Wade Designer Gauze Night” or “Dwyane Wade Penicillin Night“.
• 2006 Olympic figure skating silver medalist Sasha Cohen will unretire for the 2010 Vancouver Games, pretty much saving the Games for NBC and Vancouver officials.

• Shaquille O’Neal has returned to his offseason MMA training, which he embraces for rewarding all the physicality of the NBA without any of the free throws.
• The New England Patriots are as thin as Gisele Bundchen at linebacker as their 2009 third-rounder will miss the season with a busted knee.
• Beach (or sand?) volleyball icon Holly McPeak has retired.

• The Dodgers have won their first 13 games at home, setting a modern MLB mark. Does MLB also keep track of the number of stabbings and robberies in the first 13 games at home?
• A Canuck would rather claim an STD than admit an injury.
• If this is the new Philly MLS team’s logo, it’s surprisingly classy. Do they want another shot at it, maybe with more teal?

• The hidden pain athletes take on that the public rarely sees as reported by the Pacers’ Mike Dunleavy, Jr: “I found myself watching the Sex and the City movie one night.” Now the painkiller addictions make sense.
• Scott Boras has meddled with one of his Royals prospect clients so much that the team has sent him home until it stops.

Now that Matthew Stafford has received the most guaranteed money of any NFL player in history — slightly more than Albert Haynesworth’s $40 million, sacks of cash more than anyone else, ever — it might be worth looking at one time the whole signing bonus culture didn’t work out for the prospect.

Matt Harrington was a can’t miss first round pick for the Rockies in 2000. But the nearly $5 million they offered him wasn’t enough. So he went back into the draft. Four more times. Each year for five years, Harrington was taken later and later, and offered less and less. And now?

He’s working in the auto department at Costco.

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• The economic squeeze is being felt on the Denver Nuggets cheerleaders, as they’re now only being brought in to work weekend games.

(Looking for a handout?)

Fortunately, the Nuggets Dancers (above) are still fully employed - for now.

• One more reason not to care about the WBC: The U.S.A. is D.O.A.

• It’s good when an NFL player wants to mop up a mess. It’s not good when said mop is used to attack the mother of said player’s children.

• Probable #1 MLB pick already repped by Scott Boras. This should go well.

• Venezuelan leader Hugo Chavez once threw out the first pitch at a Mets game. Wonder what Fidel Castro would have blogged about that?

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We all know that Los Angeles Dodgers owners Frank and Jamie McCourt are business visionaries, using maverick techniques to lead the team to a few games over .500 an NL West title. We also know just where they stand on charity service versus selfishly hording money. Now they’ve found a way to combine both into one giant mess: the AP is reporting that they are making charitable donations by players mandatory in future contracts.

And they are being thoughtful, too. Instead of forcing players to make a decision on which of their own personal favorite charities to “donate” a percentage of their salary to, they are making it easy by only giving them one option. As it turns it, this just happens to be the Dodgers Dreams Foundation, which just happens to be the official charity arm of the team. Looks like the buffet at the annual bowling night just got upgraded from nachos to chicken wings!

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You can be sure that Manny Ramirez wasn’t the only person in his camp disappointed when he was “only” able to get a two-year $45 million deal with the Los Angeles Dodgers.  You can bet that his agent Scott Boras was hurting, too. That’s because Boras was the one who orchestrated Manny opting out of his old deal with the Red Sox in the first place because that contract was done by Ramirez’s previous agent, so Boras never got a taste of the money. So he was trying to cash in on Manny while he still could.

Well apparently Boras has decided that he needs another way to get that money into his wallet, and it seems he’s chosen San Diego State’s Stephen Strasburg to do it for him.  Strasburg has been making a mockery of the game while at SDSU during this time there, striking out 19.4 batters per nine innings, and is the consensus number one pick in MLB’s amateur draft this summer. That pick is held by the Washington Nationals, and if Boras gets his way, the Nats are going to need a mortgage on their new stadium to sign Strasburg.

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• Vols coach Lane Kiffin warns recruit: If you choose South Carolina over Tennessee, prepare for a career pumping gas.

• Beauty pageant competitors Christiann & Arielle Unger have an axe to grind with you.

• Could Franco Harris’ son become the next mayor of Pittsburgh?

• If you’re going to be sitting around watching March Madness anyway, why not use that time recovering from a vasectomy?

• If you want a high-five from Paul Pierce, better leave the LeBron jersey at home.

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Frank and Jamie McCourt have done the impossible. They’ve made Scott Boras look like a sympathetic figure.

(HUGE BOOBS! And an attractive model)

The McCourts embarrassed themselves, their family, their friends, and even Tommy Lasorda’s Friday night rendezvous at Jumbo’s Clown Room with the memo circulated to the media last night that gleefully touted Boras turning down their fake $45M offer to Manny Ramirez.

It turns out that half of the money in the offer was deferred, and those future payments were to be made without interest.  A fact the memo neglected to mention. (On the bright side, after they drive the Dodgers into the ground, F & J have bright futures as lending officers!)

So what does Ramirez does now? Exactly what I told you last month he would be - sit out the season.

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The latest word from the LOS ANGELES TIMES is that Manny Ramirez and superprick agent Scott Boras are balking at the Dodgers’ latest offer of 2 years and $45 million (which is patently ridiculous) because… wait for it… some of the salary would be deferred, meaning Manny would only see $10 million right away of the $20 million on his contract for the 2009 season. Likewise for the 2010 player option; Manny could accept the $25 million option for 2010, but again, only $10 million paid on time, and the rest would be paid over the three years after the contract was over. That’s apparently not good enough, as Boras’ counter offer asks for the same amount of money, but no deferments.

(”$5 million after taxes? Meh.”)

So let’s break this down. After taking 10% for Boras, then 35% of federal income tax and 9.3% of California state income tax, Ramirez would receive just a hair over $10 million under the original deal, and just over $5 million if the salary deferment is in place. It follows logically, then, that Manny Ramirez needs over $5 million this year, but $10 million is enough. What, then, could Manny possibly need with all that money? SbB investigates after the break.

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UPDATE: The referenced interview in below post took place in December.  I was listening to the afternoon show on the station yesterday and for some reason I thought Scioscia’s comments were referred to as having actually taken place “this morning” - so I was under the impression that Scioscia’s interview was the same day.

Ken Rosenthal wrote it up at the time. Could’ve saved me some time!

You do 17,000 posts over eight years, occasionally this happens kiddos. Won’t be the last time.

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Angels Manager Mike Scioscia guested Wednesday on the Angels-owned KLAA-AM “Sports Lodge” morning show hosted by Roger Lodge and Dave Smith in Orange County. While Scioscia is the manager of the team, it’s well-known throughout baseball that he also has significant say in the club’s personnel decisions.

Two months ago, Angels GM Tony Reagins went on the same station and said the club had no interest in Manny Ramirez. But yesterday, Scioscia contradicted Reagins, saying the team “absolutely” had interest in signing Ramirez. Audio after the jump. Read more…

In the movie “Jerry Maguire”, Tom Cruise plays a sports agent named, oddly enough, Jerry Maguire. He gets fired from the big agency he works for and starts his own company in which his only client is an Arizona Cardinals receiver named Rod Tidwell. Jerry then spends the entire movie killing himself to do everything he can to help Tidwell get the big contract he wants, and he does it all ethically. He also falls in love with some scrunchy faced chick with a kid. Anyway, I just want to make sure you understand that agents like this don’t exist.

(SHOW ME THE NAKED CHILDREN!!)

In reality agents would throw their own mother in front of a train if it meant getting a “personal toilet” clause thrown into their client’s contract. In fact, I’m pretty sure Scott Boras has actually done this. Anywhoo, the “good” news is that sleazy agents aren’t just an American phenomenon and they exist in other countries as well. Like in Australia where agents not only lie to their clients, but they also get busted for child pornography.

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