Can You Smell What The Rock’s Been Injecting?

I haven’t watched wrestling in years. The last time I paid any real attention to the “sport” was when Dwayne Johnson, also known as The Rock, was at the height of his popularity. Since then the grappler has gone from wrestling men in a speedo to starring in action movies like “The Scorpion King” and onto Disney flicks like his newest epic, “Race to Witch Mountain.”  In between he spent some time ticking off Hawaiians for his performance in a Saturday Night Live skit.

Before he gained fame as a wrestler and became a movie star, The Rock was just your regular backup defensive lineman for the Miami Hurricanes. From there he went on to play in the CFL a bit, but his dreams of becoming an NFL player seemed out of reach. Which is probably why he started doing steroids for a while.

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Speed Read: Howie Long’s Playoff Emasculation

Real men have haircuts level with the earth’s horizon. Real men don’t laugh at Terry Bradshaw’s jokes. And real men become spokespeople for Chevrolet-brand pickup trucks and look down on cars with convenient tailgate steps and heated steering wheels and seatbelts, because seatbelts are for queers and real men can crash through a windshield and jog three miles later that day. Howie Long is a real man. And if the FOX analyst-slash-truck-salesman had his way with the NFL playoff teams, he might be able to sniff out a girlie man or two.

Kurt Warner and Howie Long

Are those … “man sleeves?” Did Kurt Warner have to cover up his arms in Charlotte’s chilly willy weather, of all places? Wasn’t it, like, 50 degrees out there? Did his mom wife crotchet him a yarn jockstrap? Did you know Long would play in sub-zero temperatures shirtless, if given the opportunity by the league? Also, frostbite builds character, and hypothermia increases sperm count. And don’t even get Howie started on what NFC Championship Game quarterback Donovan McNabb was wearing between offensive possessions:

McNabb in coat

A fun dilemma brought up by FANHOUSE: Is it ethical for Wake Forest fans to rush the court after a win over UNC? After all, UNC was No. 3, and suffered their second loss in as many Sundays, and Wake Forest was a scrappy 4th in the national polls. Blogger Adam … well, Adam, argues “Court storming is actually an insult to your players. Court storming is an admission that you didn’t think they could win.” Well, sure, but … so what? In Adam’s rules, he mentions it’s OK to storm after any Duke win. Well, isn’t UNC at that same level of animosity? Wake may be No. 4 and even Wilbon called the upset two days ago, but a No. 4 over a No. 3 win means it’s a top-five showdown, and even in the SbB-model-stacked ACC, that’s a couple-times-a-year occurrence, and Wake just won one of those. My alma mater lost to Savannah F’in State this year. Let the Deacons run wild and free, and enjoy this one.

If it wasn’t for HULU.COM, nobody’s watching Saturday Night Live anymore except for drunk people who can’t find anything else on TV. That website might singlehandedly save that show. The cast may not be in its prime, and it could be in a perpetual Kansas City Royals state of infancy, but a few solid clips seem to arise from recent episodes. In this case, it’s Kenan Thompson as Charles Barkley, as portrayed last Saturday. (Cue it up to 1:29 in if you don’t want to listen to Seth Meyers.) All in all, a solid skit, although if there was a way to transplant Frank Caliendo’s voice into Thompson’s larynx, that might be the opposite of turrible.

Red Sox '57 Chevy

Before you drive away, please observe the following landmarks, which are clearly marked on your TripTik:

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Gold Medals Evidently Don’t Make You Very Funny

What does eight gold medals get you? Among other things, a crack at hosting Saturday Night Live, the tenuously-relevant late-night institution that has given us such outstanding athlete-host moments as the Peyton Manning United Way ad and the tremendous Joe Montana “I’ll be in my room masturbating” sketch.

Unfortunately, Michael Phelps mostly made Tom Brady look like the charismatic comic genius of our generation. Personally, I laughed at Phelps when he donned headgear and played a baritone sax as Kristen Wiig’s cousin in the “ugly kids” sketch, if only because it was the lone moment in the show when Phelps was actually acting as awkward as he seemed to be the other 85 minutes.

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Live From New York, It’s Michael Phelps On ‘SNL’!

Michael Phelps is officially a star. In times gone by, that would have been confirmed by a few endorsements, maybe a movie part or two, and, of course, an appearance on Saturday Night Live.

Alas, SNL hasn’t been relevant in, what, 10 years? 20? Now, celebrities and bands aren’t made by SNL; SNL is made by whichever celebrity deigns to appear on the show. And for SNL’s 34th season premiere, that celebrity will be Michael Phelps.

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Vick Passing Hard Time By Playing Prison Pigskin

Arthur Blank has been keeping in touch with Michael Vick. And the Falcons owner tells the NEW YORK DAILY NEWS that his former meal ticket has found a hobby while harbored in the hoosegow - playing football.

Michael Vick Burt Reynolds The Longest Yard

Vick’s currently serving a 23-month sentence after pleading guilty to dogfighting charges. But Blank says his prison pen pal has been passing time in the federal pen by passing the pigskin around:

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