7:20 PM How did Joey Porter back up all the jawing he did this week about the Patriots? By finishing Sunday's game with no tackles, no sacks, no passes defensed, no forced fumbles or recoveries, and no comments to reporters afterwards.
So Mike Singletary all but confirmed to the SANTA ROSA PRESS DEMOCRAT that Michael Crabtree would start against the Texans on Sunday. This was a ludicrous notion as recently as 12 hours ago, when Crabs was still wearing the helmet seen below so that teammates could identify him.
Also potentially troubling to 49ers fans: Their team’s playbook evidently can be learned with one night of light cramming. But here’s the lost amazing part of this tale. Crabtree hung around team headquarters over the bye weekend being tutored by fellow receiver Josh Morgan. In other words, Morgan helped Crabtree take his job.
I thought I lived in a land where giant-egoed Terrell Owenses, and Braylon Edwardses roamed in great wide receiver herds, chewing up all the attention and playing time for themselves. Morgan is an entirely different animal indeed. Read more…
We covered all the bases on the Michael Crabtree signing yesterday, but I had to show you this photo from today’s 49ers press conference. The look on Mike Singletary’s face; the No. 15 practice jersey (sponsored by Visa!); the aw-shucks demeanor that belies a 71-day holdout. It’s all there. I smell Super Bowl!
That is officially the most hilarious photo I’ve seen this week. And following the jump, an actual shot of Crabtree catching an NFL pass. And you thought you’d never see that. Plus some yummy Crabtree quotes, and when Singletary expects him to make his game debut. Read more…
Sometime early this morning in a San Francisco hotel suite, with FOX SPORTS’ Jay Glazer lurking outside behind a large potted plant, the 49ers and receiver Michael Crabtree finally came to terms. First a “Seinfield” reunion, and now this? What miracle will God next bestow?
First of all I’d like to thank the St. Louis Rams for making this all possible. Without your suckitude, the 49ers would not have scored a convincing 35-0 victory on Sunday, thus going to 3-1 and forcing Crabtreeto realize that, as George Costanza would say, he has “no hand.” Also, what popular ’80s hip hop star inexplicably showed up at the negotiations with Crabtree? The answer of course is … Read more…
The scene: Lou Holtz’s office. Michael Crabtree knocks, and opens the door. LOU: “Ah, the pizza is here. Finally.” MICHAEL: “No, it’s me, Mr. Holtz. Michael Crabtree.” LOU: “You were wise to come to me, son. Please, sit down.” (There are no chairs in the office; only a tackling sled and a bowl of walnuts). LOU (still wearing bib from lunch): “Now what seems to be the problem, Matthew?”
The problem of course, is that the 49ers are 1-0, and Crabtree is still as far from being a 49er this season as Jerry Rice. In fact, as the ex-Texas Tech receiver’s holdout enters Week 71 (actual facts may vary), there’s talk of him sitting out two seasons before reentering the draft (which he’d have to do before being eligible for free agency).
Our favorite neighborhood coaching TV pundit thinks that’s crazy talk, of course. See the video below, in which Holtz addresses the whole mess in response to a question by Crabtree himself. Read more…
Week One of his first full season as head coach of the 49ers has not slowed the growth of the legend of Mike Singletary. When he was handed the job on an interim basis to replace the embattled Mike Nolan, there was doubt in many corners as to whether he was ready for the job.
Sure he had great instincts as a player. But great players don’t always turn out to be great coaches — would Singletary have the instincts to coach at the highest level? On a weekend in which some big-time coaches proved that their instincts were suspect, Singletary came through looking pretty good against the Cardinals. Read more…
So Michael Crabtree is perfectly healthy and working out in the San Francisco Bay Area, playing catch in an undisclosed location with Trent Dilfer. Hmm, is that in itself cause for alarm?
More importantly: Could the 49ers’ reticent No. 1 draft pick be on the verge of caving in and accepting the team’s offer? Playing catch in Dilfer’s Santa Cruz backyard — when you live in Texas — are not exactly the actions of a man preparing for a six-month holdout. Meanwhile, the nearby Oakland Raiders are asking the musical question, where the %$&! is Richard Seymour?!?!
So Michael Vick is seeking salvation, but what will it take to wash away his sins? I’ve seen enough Lassie movies to know that the dog always triumphs in the end, while the mean puppy mill owner is hauled off to jail, then on to eternal obscurity. Or, in this case, to “60 Minutes,” where Vick will appear on Sunday in his latest attempt to rehabilitate his image. Hey, where’s the remote? Patches! Bad dog! …
Vick’s goodwill welcome-me-back-to-non-dog-electrocuting-society tour hit kind of a snag last week, when he told some kids that “other people” were responsible for him going to prison. He’s hoping to repair that damage on Sunday, when he chats with James Brown about his future in the NFL, his past, and whatever else comes up. In discussing the interview with “NFL Total Access,” Brown said that he asked Vick repeatedly if he had remorse, and that Vick “answered the question very sincerely,” and was “very steadfast in answering the question,” whatever that means.
It sounds like we’ll get no more information on Vick’s true feelings than we would at a typical Supreme Court Justice confirmation hearing, so I probably won’t tune in. Meanwhile, PRO FOOTBALL TALK is reporting that Vick is so sure of landing with an NFL team this season that he’s refusing to take a backup role. PFT surmises that there are at least 12 NFL teams which could benefit by installing Vick as their starter. The question is, would any of them accept his baggage? Tony Dungy says he should be signed within a week.
Then we have comedian Chris Rock, who thinks that the whole thing is being blown out of proportion. “Everybody Hates Michael?” Rock talked about Vick on Dan Patrick’s radio show on Wednesday.
“Dogfighting’s very prevalent in the South,” Rock said. Rock also pointed out that we hunt, and many people consider that wrong. “Why is a dog so much better than a deer?” Rock asked. “I see no difference between a dog and a deer.”
Rock said look at marijuana … it’s illegal now, but who knows. “In our lifetime, pot will be legal,” Rock said. “I don’t think marijuana is any different than selling beer,” Rock said. “We know there’s more deaths related to alcohol than marijuana.”
Rock said the NFL doesn’t care about animal rights. That’s not what this is about. “The ball is made of pigskin,” Rock said. “They don’t care about animals.”
I’m pretty sure that footballs are made from leather, and that none of the cows were forced to fight to the death before being slaughtered. But Rock’s point has been brought up by others, — I know that Whoopi Goldberg has also said it — that Vick should get a pass because dog fighting isn’t seen as bad in some neighborhoods; especially in the south. Hey, he grew up that way.
But we’re all conditioned by the environments we grew up in. We don’t become adults, and society doesn’t move forward, until we stand up and decide for ourselves what’s right and wrong. Otherwise we’re just half-naked children chasing the pig with spears in “Lord of the Flies,” or, you know, disrupting town hall health care meetings on marching orders from Glenn Beck.
Hmm, given that, one wonders what Rock thought of the first O.J. Simpson verdict — was he in the “O.J. was innocent” crowd? Apparently not — in the intro to the DVD of his “Chris Rock Show” on HBO, circa 1998, he proved himself ahead of his time. One of the bits featured an O.J. Simpson video entitled “I Didn’t Kill My Wife, But If I Did, Here’s How I Did It.” O.J. himself would try to market a similarly-titled book in 2006.
As the San Francisco 49ers approach their preseason opener, the Michael Crabtree standoff only gets uglier. He’s missed 22 practices so far, if you’re counting, and I was going to use a Branch Davidian comparison, but I’m told that’s in poor taste. So let’s say that the Texas Tech receiver’s refusal to accept the money the team is offering is like Al Pacino in “Dog Day Afternoon,” demanding pizzas and a jet to South America before he’ll release the hostages. You know it’s never going to happen, but Crabtree has taken it this far, and he has to play it out ’til the end.
What numbers are we talking about? The Raiders’ Darrius Heyward-Bey, the first receiver taken in the draft (No. 7 overall), got $38 million ($23.5 million guaranteed), and Crabtree wants at least that. His agent, Eugene Parker, said that his client will sit out the season if necessary. That’s an idle threat; even if the 49ers don’t give in, Crabtree will show up once he starts missing paychecks. But forget about seeing him in the preseason, and probably for the opener at Arizona. Parker is establishing his own tough-guy negotiating status, and there’s no way he’s going to cave now. The thing is, neither side is in any sort of a rush. Crabtree isn’t especially jacked about catching passes from Shaun Hill or Alex Smith, neither of whom will probably be around next season anyway. And the 49ers consider themselves flush with receivers even without Crabtree.
For their part, the 49ers coaching staff is willing to forgive and forget, if and when Crabtree shows up.
“Obviously, he’s missing an opportunity to join his teammates to bond and learn what we are doing,” offensive coordinator Jimmy Raye said. “It’s a detriment at this point, but we’ll embrace him when he comes. It’s not him. It’s the business that he’s involved in. When he gets that fixed, then we’ll fix him.”
Crabtree, however, didn’t forsee this: He could be playing in the 49ers’ new version of the Wildcat offense, which Raye has dubbed The Taser. I’m not sure who is going to end up crying “Don’t taze me, bro!” — the opposition, or the 49ers themselves. But it should make for some fun headlines.
Hopefully Crabtree took some time out last night to gaze at the sky and view the Perseids Meteor Shower, the heavens’ way of reminding us just how insignificant we really are. Your agent may tell you that you’re worth many millions more than that NFL team is willing to pay, but just remember that God is watching, and at any moment he might throw a big space rock right at your head to keep you humble. That’s what meteors are; purpose pitches from The Lord. And meteors are just the pesky brushback variety; there’s also killer asteroids out there. Just last month an asteroid hit Jupiter and created an earth-sized hole that is still spreading, and no one saw it coming. If that rock had been on a trajectory toward earth instead, by the time we saw it it would have been too late to do anything about it. Something like that would stop the Patriots’ next run at a 19-0 season right quick.
Of course it’s all a moot point anyway, because what leading astronomers fail to tell you is that Mark Mangino is on a collision course with Earth, and if their calculations are correct, will smash into our planet before the year is out. The Kansas football coach has become so large that his orbit is decaying, and there’s not much we can do to avoid total devastation. This leaves precious little time for Tim Tebow to lose his virginity, have a baby, and then send that child into space on a rocket ship to escape our doomed world. Of course that baby will eventually become a Superman on another planet.
Today’s links contain dangerous moving parts; please use extreme caution.
Overshadowing Pedro Martinez’s winning effort in his return with the Phillies on Wednesday was this unfortunate incident, as Philadelphia outfielder Shane Victorino is doused with beer while trying to catch a fly ball at Wrigley Field. What really made the incident full of Fail was Cubs security’s inability to catch the perpetrator — they ejected the wrong fan from the game, even though TV replays showed the real beer thrower celebrating his deed with other fans. Lou Piniella apologized to the Phillies for the incident, and now the police are even involved. Stay classy, Cubs fans. Here’s the video:
Billie Jean Kingwas awarded the Medal of Freedom at the White House on Wednesday, and all went well except for the statistics. The economy may be on the rise, but President Obama was bearish on King’s career numbers. “They didn’t get any of my facts right,” King lightheartedly noted afterward. “Did you see all the … how many titles I won? I was cracking up. Not even in the ballpark.” Obama said that King had won 12 Grand Slam titles. In reality, she’s won 12 Grand Slam singles titles (that’s where the confusion lies), 16 Grand Slam women’s doubles titles, and 11 Grand Slam mixed doubles titles — 39 in all. “I thought it was adorable,” she said. “That’s not what’s important. I go, ‘Oh that’s really sweet.’ Like, just move on, get off the tennis stuff. Tennis was a platform.”
How can the NFL fine thee? Let Chris Cooley count the ways. The Redskins receiver took time out from blowing things up recently to let folks know via his blog what the league is docking players these days for rules infractions. Sample: It’ll cost you $5,000 if your pants don’t cover your knees; if you’re wearing the wrong nasal strip; or if your hand towel is longer than eight inches, or has tape on it. Playing with your chinstrap undone will cost you $7,500. And it’s a $10,000 fine for wearing non-Reebok brand apparel 90 minutes previous to and following a game, or for wearing a tinted visor without a doctor’s note. In the comments section, a helpful reader let him know that the fines are tax deductible.
And now it’s psycho fan time here at Speed Read, with today’s psycho fan coming from Bolivia. The South American Cup match between Blooming of Bolivia and River Plate of Uruguay was abandoned, as they say, when a fan invaded the field and attacked River Plate’s Henry Gimenez with a knife during the 65th minute. Once the game was called, angry Blooming fans pelted the pitch with flares and other objects, injuring at least one person, suddenly making a knife-wielding maniac seem quaint and benign.
If you can attend only one Giants’ game this season … I hope it wasn’t on Friday, when the team gave out bobbleheads in the likeness of announcer Jon Miller. The only thing sadder than your child starting his bobblehead collection with a fat guy behind a desk, is the poor sap who got stuck with three of them, and is now trying to unload them on eBay. He says he’ll take cash or trade: Meaning that I can finally get rid of my McDonald’s Brain Urlacher bobblehead tainted with deadly lead paint.
In case you’re wondering what Ken Griffey Jr. has been up to lately, he lined a single off the right-field wall in the 14th inning on Wednesday to end the longest non-scoring game in Mariners history, 1-0 over the White Sox.
SF manager Bruce Bochy and bench coach Ron Wotus were both ejected — Bochy’s second ejection in three days — as the Giants beat the Dodgers 4-2 in 10 innings on Wednesday. The game also included a benches-clearing brawl mixer after San Francisco’s Pablo Sandoval objected to being grazed by a James McDonald pitch in the fifth (which the home plate umpire failed to notice hitting Sandoval at all).
The International Olympic Committee selected golf and rugby today for proposed inclusion in the 2016 Summer Games, rejecting bids from baseball, softball and three other sports, among them squash. Rugby was last an Olympic sport in 1924. Tiger Woods says he’s ready to play (golf, not rugby).
After hearing about Mike Singletary’s latest motivational move at San Francisco 49ers training camp, we can all be glad of this: he kept his pants on this time. In fact, he did what many 49ers fans wish someone would have done years ago: he sent former No. 1 draft pick and genial bust Alex Smith packing.
Unfortunately for those fans, Smith came back, as he wasn’t traded or cut. No, Singletary had Smith watch the last 30 minutes of training camp from the top of a hill overlooking the practice facility after Smith threw a deflected pass into coverage that was intercepted during a scrimmage. Personally, it sounds like a better punishment would have been to give Smith a couple of passes to nearby Great America and tell him to have fun and enjoy the roller coasters.
Smith tried to force a pass to noted slacker-slash-slugger Vernon Davis, but it was tipped and eventually picked off. Unfortunately for Smith, this came right after Singletary announced to the team that “the next guy responsible for a turnover would have to sit on the hill for the rest of practice,” leading to Smith getting his perch high on a hill.
Again, some one tell me how this is punishment? Instead of working his butt off at training camp and sweating in the summer heat, Smith got to relax and watch the practice from a grassy vantage point - probably under a shady tree while eating a couple of apples as bluebirds sang to him. And I guess that we are supposed to be impressed that his starting offensive line came to sit with him in a “nice show of solidarity,” although I suspect they saw a chance to get out of the last half-hour of practice and made the most of it.
I know NFL teams are careful not to push players too hard, but don’t players run laps as punishment any more? Suicide sprints? Something other than sitting down and not training at training camp? Mike Singletary’s training camp is allegedly some combination of the Junction Boys, the Bataan Death March and the training montage from “Rocky IV” from how the media is portraying it, but if that’s as tough as it gets in the NFL, maybe we’re coddling players a bit too much.
I have no idea what a UFL training camp is going to be like; I’m guessing it will be more advanced than teaching the players what the Xs and Os on the playbook mean, even if just barely. But it does seem like the players are going to go through a lot of punishment - at least on the field, thanks to their names and uniforms. That is, if the ones announced on Monday by the Las Vegas franchise are any indication.
First off there’s the name: the Las Vegas Locomotives. Because when I think of Las Vegas, I don’t think of gambling or nightlife or danger - I think of trains. Yup, you really get the high rollers coming in on the train from Barstow to Las Vegas. It’s basically a half-step up from calling the team the Las Vegas Hobos, and unless your team’s offensive coordinator is John Hodgman, that’s not going to fly.
And then there are the uniforms. Now, I’m no sartorial demigod, but…I don’t want to say that it’s hideous, but the USFL called and they are planning on suing you for $1 for ripping off their designs. The whole thing looks horrendously 80s, from the shiny neon aquamarine pants to the blocky numbering. I think I saw MC Skat Kat wearing something suspiciously similar in a video with Paula Abdul back in the day.
Basically, the whole thing is a mess, and even Las Vegas head coach Jim Fassel is confused as to the connection between Las Vegas and trains. (But this isn’t the first time he’s been confused in his life.) Plus, the team’s name is sure to be shortened by people to “Locos,” which the owners seem to think is great cross-cultural marketing but just reminds me of how crazy you’d have to be to try and go up against the NFL.
Finally, I have to wonder what Jeff Gordon’s motivation is to keep racing. After all, he could be at home having sex with his Brazilian supermodel wife, playing with his kids or simply climbing up and down one of the giant mountains of cash he presumably has laying around his house from all of his winnings and endorsement deals.
And after yesterday’s race at the Watkins Glen road course in New York, he is probably wondering the same thing himself after being involved in a bad multi-car crash that sent him careening into a guard rail - not a SAFER barrier - at nearly top speed. Gordon walked away unscathed, although he was complaining of aggravating a sore back injured after he’s been involved in several big crashes in the last few years.
After watching that replay again, let me ask Gordon something: hot Brazilian supermodel wife, or smashing the bejeezus out of your car head-on into a guard rail? Your choice.
In other sports news that happened while you thanked God you weren’t the local TV reporter who drew the short straw and had to cover the “Furries” convention:
Crocs announced late yesterday that it is pulling out of its title sponsorship of the AVP Tour at the end of this season. But how ever will beach volleyball survive without its association with ugly rubber clogs? Wait, they’ll survive thanks to hot chicks rolling around on the sand wearing next to nothing? I guess…
This is exactly what you want to hear from a tennis player playing his last season before his retirement: former world No. 1 Marat Safin admits that it’s “impossible” that he’ll win another title. I don’t think he’ll be getting the same teary send-off at the U.S. Open that Andre Agassi did.
The Chicago White Sox were able to get two-time All-Star Alex Rioson waivers from the Toronto Blue Jays for no compensation (which with the exchange rate means the White Sox made money on the deal). So, do you think the Blue Jays were thrilled to be rid of the $64 million due to Rios through 2014?
The San Francisco Giants are honoring former pitcher Dave Dravecky on the 20th anniversary of his comeback from cancer. Which is great, except it reminds me of the sound his arm made when it snapped like a twig during his comeback, and then I need to throw up.
The USL Division II soccer match between the Real Maryland Monarch and Bermuda Hogges was your standard affair. If you consider a player scoring two goals in the first half and then getting arrested at halftime, a coach being ejected from the game and having to watch from the parking lot, and a goalkeeper being forced to play striker as “standard”.
There was great line in a SPORTING NEWS post about the terrible level of umpiring seen this season, with umps continually deciding to make themselves the center of attention. It mentions Phillies announcer Larry Anderson responding to umpire Joe West telling him that MLB umps were “the best in the business” by telling the audience that he wanted to respond that “if you guys are the best in the business, you’ve got a really bad business.”
