It’s an immutable truth of the universe that people are fascinated by man-eating animals. Stephen Colbert has an ongoing feud with bears. The DISCOVERY CHANNEL’s ‘Shark Week’ is one of their highest-rated blocks of programming every year. A tiger features prominently in one of the year’s hottest movies, “The Hangover”. Man-eating animals are interesting; they serve as a reminder that sometimes homo sapiens isn’t always the top of the food chain.

(Aha, the tables have turned. Advantage: Humans)

But the thing about those animals is that they’re only really interesting from afar. Up close, they’re really quite frightening because, don’t forget, THEY WILL EAT YOU. So when we turned on the ol’ Internet machine this morning and read that hordes of giant flesh-eating squid have taken up residence off the coast of San Diego, looking for scuba divers and surfers to snack on, we only thought of one thing to say: EVERYBODY PANIC!

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In this morning’s Speed Read, we briefly covered the curious case of the heroic female marathon runner in San Diego who fought off and helped capture a would-be assailant, Thomas Parker, when he accosted her in her garage. It was one of those wonderful empowering stories, the second in two days actually.

It takes a true coward to commit violence towards anyone, let alone someone perceived as less-powerful than one’s self. And true to form, Parker proved himself once more to be the ultimate coward by committing suicide overnight in his San Diego jail cell.

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In the rough economic times we’re in, it’s always heartwarming when you see the story of an NFL player and a pastor joining forces to rip off a bunch of people facing foreclosure.

(should we be encouraged that NFL crimes are getting more cerebral?)

That’s what Ravens cornerback Anwar Phillips is accused of doing. The former Penn State star and the as-yet unidentified pastor were allegedly telling homeowners in the San Diego area that they could avoid foreclosure by letting them put someone else on the title temporarily. But instead of helping out, they were just interested in gaining ownership of the house so they could take out a new mortgage and cash out the equity.

The whole plot’s a bit confusing (to me, anyway) and some red flags should have been showing up for the scammed homeowners, but it goes to show how desperate people can be to get out of financial trouble these days.

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Proving she’s not just all brains & beauty, Kim Kardashian showed off a little muscle during a night out with her man Reggie Bush.

(Reggie carefully carrying Kim’s Christmas cargo.)

The NEW YORK DAILY NEWS catches Kimmy kicking out the man who may have helped ruin Reggie’s collegiate career. While at a San Diego club, Kardashian came face-to-face with Lloyd Lake, the sports marketer accused of giving Bush over $300,000 during his days at USC. As the D-N reveals, “She had him tossed out faster than you can say ‘revoked Heisman’!”

And Reggie & Kim weren’t the only ones having a fun time out on the town.

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