Rick Reilly has been knitting warm, comfortable sports columns for a generation now; material that has morphed into several books, television appearances, and even a film (he co-wrote “Leatherheads.”). I’ve always found his writing to be nourishing, if bland; a kind of chicken soup for the reader, Melba cracker on the side.

The worst thing about Rick Reilly is that he pretends to be the everyman he is not — jotting down notes while walking alongside Michael Jordan at a celebrity golf tournament, while the regular journalists look on from behind the ropes. The best thing about him is that that is the worst thing. Some writers can be much bigger poseurs. Trust me.

But here’s wonderful news if you’re a Rick Reilly fan; troubling information if you’re not. One of those books, “Missing Links,” is in the process of being made into a movie. Steve Carrel is attached in the leading role, and this time Reilly seems not to be involved in co-writing  the script. Which will be welcome news to anyone who has seen George Clooney in a death struggle with the dialogue in “Leatherheads.” Read more…

We don’t know everything about what Rick Reilly brings to the ESPN table, just that the man is overpaid. His $4 million salary could pay for, let’s say, 20 very good writers at $200,000 a pop, and it’s safe to say that 20 good writers would be able to cover far more for the WWL than Reilly’s oft-cliched columns. But whatever, ESPN knows more about running a sports media empire than we do.

But we digress. Reilly, for his faults, has tons of sources - part of being part of the national media for that long, we suppose - and we assume he’s as well-connected as anybody else on the ESPN Campus. But you’d think someone who’s swimming in Best Sportswriter awards would have a little more journalistic tact than what he just pulled on Denver Owner Pat Bowlen.

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Satire’s always the most difficult style of humor; either it’s really funny, or it’s just confusing and lame and a total bummer. Satire in 140 characters or less is even more difficult, and to this day, the only truly funny fake Twitter profile we can think of is the (sadly defunct) Fake Rick Reilly, host of such cringe-inducing gems as “Houston, you don’t have a problem! Beating the Lakers in LA is enough to make any fan say Yao-ie!”

(”140 characters? How about two: FU”)

Then there was (key word was; we’ll get to that) Tony La Russa’s fake Twitter profile, which had a typical ho-hum reference to his DUI and, a location of, um, “tossing Albert Pujols‘ salad.” So that gives you a good idea of what an intellectual titan we’re dealing with here. Obviously, there’s only one proper response by La Russa and his bored lawyer friends legal representation: our good old friend, the lawsuit (H/T: Leitch):  Read more…

In Rick Reilly’s last ESPN column (unofficially titled “Hangin’ with Mr. Bryant Just After Elmo“), Reilly dropped a tidbit about Kobe’s life to give us a taste of the man behind the marketing campaign: “He’s taken up golf. Played Pelican Hill the other day with Bobby Plump, the inspiration for the Jimmy Chitwood character in ‘Hoosiers.’ Forgot to ask why.”

If you go to the article today, though, you’ll see a different bit of tid: “He’s taken up golf. Played Pelican Hill the other day with Maris Valainis, who played Jimmy Chitwood in Hoosiers.” It would appear that Kobe’s Ferrari made too much noise, so Reilly mixed up his Chitwoods.

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Rick Reilly stands this morning as the sports media’s Jack O’Halloran, the ever-prodding manchild from Superman II: every time he throws a bus at Tiger Woods, Tiger crawls out from underneath just a little angrier.

Sunday, Bay Hill stood in for Metropolis and Sean O’Hair pulled over the black bedazzled robes to take the Terence Stamp role to Tiger on Sunday, seemingly in control until he saw that red swoosh fill the camera.  At that point, O’Hair dropped from the Saturday leader to a Sunday round of 73 and Tiger dropped a 15-footer for the one-shot victory at 18.

In drama worthy of a Donner-esque cut of a better sequel, Tiger took his first title after last year’s knee surgery on a long putt at hole #72 just like he did last spring.  After the win, he met again with the namesake of the Arnold Palmer Invitational, who we think might be Perry White in this analogy.  Or Lois Lane.  This one may need some work still, unlike Tiger’s knee.

Want Tiger to show you how the heat vision works, Rick? No, you’re good?  Fair enough.

Sunday held little heat for the Final Four as Michigan State and North Carolina committed to a weekend in Detroit in April, otherwise known as “the best weekend of weather ever”.  No, really… just listen to every sportswriter go on about it next weekend, assuming they don’t spend the whole time in Windsor.

Neither game was particularly close, leaving casual sports fans hunting for Tiger or smaller game (as mentioned below).  Sadly, even Clark Kellogg’s stale “versatile like baking soda” line couldn’t get any vinegar for a volcanic explosion.

At least the ticket sales should improve with a state team available to attend.  Villanova and Connecticut will fill out the other two slots as we all spend all week polishing our convoluted plans to justify picking against a UConn-UNC final Monday night. (Oh, and is Roy Williams finally accepted at UNC? Just checking.)

A foreign country bordering the United States has such a horrific crime problem due to a drug war that it could affect their ability to host international tourists.  Of course, we’re talking about Canada.  Specifically, Vancouver’s inability to get decent amounts of cocaine has caused a gang war to break out, raising the murder rate dramatically.

The area has grown so desperate for warm bodies with badges that two officers that “smelled of alcohol and uttered racial slurs” while allegedly beating and robbing a newspaper delivery man in Vancouver won’t have to stand trial for a year because the police can’t spare a single person to be a witness at the trial during the 2010 Winter Olympics. (h/t RAINCOASTER)

After having to spend most of last summer listening to the incessant whining about the safety of the 2008 Beijing Games, we can’t help but notice the silence surrounding the 2010 Vancouver Games. We can’t quite put our finger on what could be different about the two countries.  Maybe journalists feel safe after watching a “Da Vinci’s Inquest” marathon?

In case you suspect we’re overstating the case, listen to a local activist: “I’m really apprehensive about going out in the evening.  We’ve turned into an American city.” Does that mean you’re not interested in two free Final Four tickets?

Speaking of a hail of bullets, duck even though you don’t feel threatened in your job by Todd Jones…

• Stephen Curry’s little brother, Seth, will transfer to Duke and be eligible for the 2010-2011 campaign.  Perhaps he just found the Teletubbies course syllabus on Liberty’s fall schedule.
• John Calipari and the University of Kentucky  have spotted each other from opposite ends of the dance and have started staring a little too long for it to be a coincidence.  Expect someone’s dress to be up over their heads in the parking lot by Tax Day.
• Hockey fans hold grudges for slightly less time than most holy wars.  For proof, please listen to the Boston Bruins announcer’s incredibly creepy laugh as he revels in a brutish blow to a Philadelphia Flyers’ player who wounded a Bruin two years past:

• Then enjoy a punch to a goalie followed by a tickle fight between the Chicago Blackhawks and Vancouver Canucks.  (Thanks to PUCK DADDY for both moving pictures.)  Seriously, hasn’t the NHL heard about shoulder-launched missiles? (Besides Ray Bourque’s shot, of course.)
• We’ve heard too much recently that NASCAR’s dull because the same few drivers keep winning.  Then we hear women’s tennis has grown old because the stars have stopped taking home the trophies.  Pick a story and stick with it.
• We’re actually starting to feel a little sorry for Tom Cruise:

• We’re with Ray Ratto: we’re not sure Oakland A’s owner Lew Wolff has a plan anymore for a new stadium.  He’s the Underpants Gnome of owners.  He knows “back up garbage trucks of taxpayer cash to my home” is Step 3, but he’s damned if he knows what Step 2 is anymore.
• Congratuations to Bemidji State for advancing to the Frozen Four in NCAA hockey.  We don’t have anything more to add; for that, please check out THE HOOVER STREET RAG.  We just always wanted to link to the BEMIDJI PIONEER.
• Finally, we know a referee that will be working the NBA Finals next in about 2024 after nearly injuring the future of the league by getting tangled underfoot of LeBron James:

The past few weeks have put a significant dent into the personal credibility of Dwyane Wade. A former business partner is suing him, claiming that Wade was a pothead who staged sex parties at his house, while his divorce from his wife Siohvaughn has gone from ugly to “War of the Roses” with her claiming (among other things) that he was a habitual cheater who gave her an STD.

At least that was her claim last month; she’s since quietly withdrawn it from the court proceedings. Apparently that wasn’t enough for Dwyane - imagine someone being upset for being accused of spreading STDs. So now the AP reports that he’s suing her and her two lawyers for defamation of character and asking for $50,000 from each. In a statement, he told the AP that the lawsuit was the only way to set the record straight:

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I want to congratulate Jim Tressel for ensuring that his Buckeyes still have a chance to play in the BCS Championship game. Since the pollsters didn’t bury the Bucks (#13?), by holding out Beanie Wells in what now turns out to be a somewhat meaningless game, Tressel’s team will have a better chance to run the table in the Big 10 - and then benefit (again) from the creaking, maddening machinery of the BCS.

With a healthy Wells, even after Saturday’s SoCal shellacking, the rest of the Big 10 is probably no match for OSU. So long as UGA, UF and Okla. lose, you can almost guarantee the Bucks a return trip to the BCS’ big game (and another rout at the hands of the Trojans). I can already hear people firing up their CPAP machines in South Beach.

(Right before I called in the airstrike to escape the fourth quarter)

That whole scenario is far-fetched, you say? Then you haven’t been paying attention to the dark ages of a once-great sport. Yes, the pageantry and atmosphere of games like OSU-USC at the Coli is what defines college football, especially when you’re there to experience it first-hand.

But Saturday as I settled into my seat at the game (thanks to My Boy Barry), I couldn’t help being pissed about Tressel not allowing Beanie to play.

Safe to say, Wells could’ve beaned up and done more than the entire Buckeye backfield that day. But Tressel & Co. are gaming the BCS to perfection. They know that to risk further injury to Wells would be to eliminate the Bucks from BCS Championship Game contention.

(Those eyes smoked me out of the ESPN 710 VIP Tent)

Now, isn’t that what the great college game is all about? Sandbagging in front of a hundi-thousand in the most-anticipated college football clash in years?

DEADSPIN Editor A.J. Daulerio spent Saturday with me, and provided the day’s only excitement. On our walk to the stadium, A.J. accidently dropped his ticket. He didn’t discover this fact until he had until we’d walked five minutes down the road.

After backtracking about 1000 feet, we found the ticket, still somehow sitting on the sidewalk. (If only the fine citizens of Watts had been more considerate, and prevented us from attending the game.)

Now onward, to some of my fun pics from the Coli collection (Rick Reilly, Billy Bush, anonymous hotties!): Read more…

As Yankee and Shea Stadiums both come to a close, the NEW YORK DAILY NEWS reports that hardcore fans are looking for keepsakes. And we’re not talking about a picture at the game or a overpriced souvenir soda cups.

Apparently, these fans have been listening to Rick Reilly and taking whatever isn’t nailed down. Among the pieces stolen is outfield bunting and a toilet seat from Yankee Stadium. I just hope that fan didn’t try to steal the toilet seat during the singing of “God Bless America”: he’d be in real trouble for sure then.

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Interesting photo (with my goofy inset) of Erin Andrews I hadn’t seen before:

(‘Should’ve never told Tebow the interview was uncut and uncensored. Nuts!’)

Nice to see The Grip™ is back! And of course, The Grip™ takes on a whole different meaning depending on the context.

BTW, leave your own caption in the comment thread if you please.

From the I’m-Not-Making-This-Up-Dept.: SPORTS BUSINESS DAILY reports that Stats LLC today unveiled “a joint venture with Naveen Aranha, CEO of India-based Sportz Interactive, to create Stats Middle East.

“The operation will be headquartered in Dubai, and the move continues a marked global expansion for the sports data provider that last year opened a European operation and also has made significant inroads into India, China and Japan.”

STATS Middle East? That no doubt means President Bush is soon to be confirmed as the only man on the planet with a lower save percentage than Joe Borowski.

As you know, we’ve quite the homeless problem here on the westside of Los Angeles.

And then there’s the bums.

Oh man, DEADSPIN’s A.J. Daulerio today has a deconstructive dissertation that unloads on Rick Reilly - much like Rick Majerus after unscrambling Cinemax at the local La Quinta. Read more…

As we all know, this is the final season of venerable old Yankee Stadium. But before the grand ol’ ballpark gets bulldozed, Rick Reilly rallies Yankee fans to swipe a sign or steal a seat before it’s too late.

In his latest column for ESPN THE MAGAZINE, Reilly writes that fans should, nay, “must!” take what they can from a sporting venue he elegantly refers to as “our Roman Coliseum, our sports Louvre, our Delphi“:

…Next week’s All-Star game sets up as a kind of Final Viewing, and, like any good funeral, grievers will be trying to slide a wristwatch or a set of cufflinks off the corpse on the way by. This might turn into a pickpocket convention: armrests, pieces of façade, maybe even turnstiles will go missing.

But it shouldn’t be just spectators grabbing a piece or three of baseball history. The Yankees players want in on the action, too. And here’s what they plan on poaching: Read more…