Bears Fans Have 23 Reasons To Love Jay Cutler

A lot of football fans outside the Land of Lincoln have been slightly puzzled at the circus atmosphere that has followed Jay Cutler since he arrived in Chicago earlier this year. People that watched his somewhat ignominious divorce from the Broncos or his leading the team to an 8-8 record might have rightfully wondered what all the fuss was about. Sure, the guy has talent, but it’s just one player, right?

Jay Cutler Blingee

No. Well, yes, it is just one player. But to understand why Chicago fans have acted like Jay Cutler is the second coming of Joe Montana, despite the fact he hasn’t, y’know, won anything, you have to understand the depths Chicago has gone to avoid starting a competent quarterback.

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Speed Read: Derek Fisher Needs a Nickname Now

Dagger Derek? Darned Important Shot Derek?

Derek and the Three-Point Dominoes?

Perhaps the experts should handle the new handle for Derek Fisher now that he’s sunk another huge shot to carry the Lakers into overtime, where they took a formidable 3-1 series lead via a 99-91 triumph in Orlando last night. A three-pointer on an unusual inbounds play (taking it full court instead of using the opportunity to advance the ball on a time out) with just a few clicks left on the clock cinched the need for extra work from Kobe and friends.

Lakers Magic Finals

Neither team shot the ball worth a Mouse’s posterior, allowing the Magic to freefall from a 12-point lead into an overtime where they made one lousy shot from the field. Also not helping: the Vitamin Water that made Dwight Howard’s hands too slippery, causing him to turn the ball over seven times and miss over half of his 14 free throw attempts.

The series continues Sunday (because why rush greatness?) in Orlando, but it’s all over but the Kobe Koronation (™ SPORTSbyBROOKS Industries), barring three straight Creighton-esque repeats of Game 3’s wanton abuse of the three-point stripe.

The NHL, on the other hand, has gone the distance in the Stanley Cup Finals with home ice making the difference thus far. For one more night, they’ll be able to draw attention from the Phoenix Coyotes debacle and one man’s claim that the St. Louis Blues are even worse off than the Coyotes these days.

As always, Pittsburgh has brought the charm and grace it’s known for to the final Final game table:

Bill Guerin of the Pittsburgh Penguins

(That man is Bill Guerin, 87-year-old right wing for the Penguins. The sign is in Pittsburgh. The ridiculously large bird wearing the faux sandwich board probably isn’t a union member.)

On the other hand, the birds that sabotaged the Kansas City Royals last night in Cleveland have clearly organized. The Indians’ Shin-Soo Choo singled in the bottom of the tenth to score Mark DeRosa for a 4-3 win, but any possible throw to the plate to thwart the scoring attempt by DeRosa had to be abandoned when the batted ball bounced off a flock of seagulls in center field and ricocheted away:

First bugs and now nature’s winged rats… the Indians will rain down just about any ol’ plague on its enemies, won’t they? The only natural disaster of Biblical proportions left to terrorize opponents with has to be Dwight Howard’s free throws. (Bricks are the little-known 11th plague for obvious reasons.)

And now an errant hail of bullet points to enjoy while you avoid arrest while holding the police at bay by claiming to have swine flu:

Who’s winning Lord Stanley’s Cup tonight?

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You Can Blame Bob Knight For QB Rex Grossman

Somehow this slipped by most people’s radar late Thursday, but there was an assertion of fact on the part of epically brilliant college football blogger Orson Swindle that shouldn’t go overlooked.

rex grossman bears

(Yup, this is Bobby Knight’s fault, too.)

Without further ado, this is what Mr. Swindle, a notable Florida Gators fan, says about a connection between Sex Cannon Rex Grossman and the chokingest college basketball coach in America:

“(Bob) Knight is an old acquaintance of Spurrier’s, and is responsible for showing a tape of a relatively unheralded Indiana recruit named Rex Grossman to (Steve) Spurrier. This makes Knight a friend of Gator Nation, and a human burned in effigy in Chicago.”

The comments came in response to Knight making an appearance for Spurrier at South Carolina, where the ESPN broadcaster gave an opening speech to the Gamecocks before spring practice. Read more…

Titans DE Guarantees Team Will Lose This Year

It’s a well-known tradition that players don’t admit they’re looking ahead to the playoffs even when they have a large lead on the division, instead settling for the time-tested phrase “we’re taking it one game at a time”. So you know the Titans aren’t going to get ahead of themselves by talking about the perfect season. But defensive end Kyle Vanden Bosch’s guarantee that they’re definitely going to lose a game this year might be taking it too far.

Kyle Vanden Bosch

(Vanden Boschtradamus?)

The key quote comes from an interview Vanden Bosch gave with FOX SPORTS on Friday. When asked about the Titans chances to go 16-0, he cut off the interviewer right away: “We’re going to lose a game.” And this Bears fan hopes that games comes tomorrow.

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Speed Read: Prez Candidates Grilled By Boomer

Have you voted yet? Why haven’t you voted yet? Why do you hate democracy so much? You know who loves democracy and elections? Chris Berman. That’s why we had Barack “And A Hard Place” Obama and John “Raising” McCain being interviewed by The Swami at halftime of Monday Night Football, answering the hard-hitting questions on topics such as health care, specifically their stance on importing medicine from Canada.

Obama and McCain on MNF

Actually, they didn’t give their stance on “222s,” although that would have been more enlightening than what we got out of each candidate. I saw Bob Costas interview President George W. Bush during the Olympics, and Chris Berman is no Bob Costas.

Here’s what each candidate would change about sports: McCain would get tough on steroids, while Obama would put a playoff in place for college football. That McCain chose a topic six months past relevancy while Obama went for the classic suck-up that all sports fans care about shows why the polls stand where they do.

Judge for yourself. First, Sen. Obama:

…and Sen. McCain:

And, oh yeah, there was a football game last night! And to draw a Presidential Election analogy, the Redskins played Walter Mondale to the Steelers’ Ronald Reagan (anyone under 30 should look it up on Wikipedia), as Pittsburgh rolled to a 23-6 victory. The only downside for Pittsburgh? Ben Roethlisberger left at halftime with a bum shoulder.

Ben Roethlisberger sacked

How come Pittsburgh has someone like Byron Leftwich as their back-up QB, but the Cowboys’ choices post-Tony Romo resemble the Republican ticket: ancient (Brad Johnson) and ineptly overmatched (Brooks Bollinger)?

Here’s what else happened last night for you to read before you get out and vote because it’s your civic duty as Americans and your fathers died for this right and if you don’t vote you are spitting in the graves of dead soldiers from World War I and the ghost of Teddy Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln will haunt you until your death (maybe I’m being a bit hyperbolic, but you really should vote):

Brady Quinn

  • Break out the hair gel and popped collars, and get ready to cover your junk: the CLEVELAND PLAIN DEALER says the Brady Quinn era for the Browns will officially begin on Thursday, as the strapping young man gets the nod ahead of Derek “I Suck” Anderson for Cleveland’s game against Denver.
  • UFC middleweight Chris Leben might want to consider changing his nickname from “The Crippler” to “The Juicer” after MMA JUNKIE reports that he has been suspended for nine months after testing positive for steroids. John McCain would put Leben over his knee and give him a firm paddling if he’s elected President.
  • The BOSTON GLOBE brings news that Theo Epstein has signed a new contract with the Red Sox to stay on as GM. Epstein held out until the team promised to pick up all gorilla suit-related dry cleaning bills.
  • From the Jim Fixx Memorial Department of Irony: two runners died of heart attacks after finishing the New York Marathon, according to the NEW YORK TIMES. I’ll choose to die of a heart attack while eating a Hot Pocket and watching Antiques Roadshow, the way God intended it.
  • The LAS VEGAS SUN says the sun is setting on Greg Maddux, as the future Hall of Famer is finally set to call it a career after 23 seasons and 367 wins.
  • Meanwhile, the DALLAS MORNING NEWS has news that Greg’s brother Mike Maddux has been named pitching coach for the Texas Rangers, as he can teach them everything he learned about being a throughly mediocre-to-average pitcher (which would be a drastic improvement for the Rangers).
  • The AP notes that Ken Mink, the 73-year-old college basketball player at Roane State Community College, scored two points last night in his team’s 93-42 win over the King’s College JV team. Maybe John McCain will have something to look forward to post-election after all…
  • Breathe a sigh of relief, Bears fans, the CHICAGO TRIBUNE soothes your worries about the 2008 season going down the tubes: Kyle Orton does not have ligament damage in his ankle, meaning your time with Sexy Rexy at QB could be as short as three games.
  • The BUDAPEST TIMES reports that former Hungarian Olympic athlete Krisztián Tölgyesi has been arrested after numerous explosive devices were found in his car. John McCain has no opinion on this, as long as they weren’t fueled by steroids.
  • Iowa can’t seem to stop getting their football players arrested, as the CEDAR RAPIDS GAZETTE has word that Hawkeyes DB Harold Dalton has pleaded guilty to three booze-related charges after a fight at a bar on Sunday. That’s three arrests this season for Iowa players, if you’re keeping track.

The hell with secret ballots: who are you voting for today for President?

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The Sex Cannon Has Come Back To Kill Chicago

You know, as a Chicagoan and a White Sox fan, I’ve always found it rather funny that some Cubs fans think their team is cursed instead of admitting they just haven’t been that good for 100 years.  This morning I’m wondering if those Cubs fans may be on to something.   It would seem that the Chicago Bears are cursed when it comes to their quarterbacks.   Just when the team and the city thought they’d found their man — he came from the cornfields of Iowa, with a bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand, a football in the other, and a fondness for neckbeards — it was all taken away on a Sunday afternoon.

Kyle Orton suffered a high ankle sprain during the first half of the Bears eventual victory over the Detroit Lions, and that can only mean one thing.   He’s back.   Yes, the Sex Cannon himself, Rex Grossman, will once again be lining up under center to throw back-breaking interceptions and fumble a snap near you.

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Culpepper Can’t Capture A QB Job, Calls It Quits

Daunte Culpepper has announced that he’s retiring from the NFL after nine seasons, and at the age of 31.

The reason behind Daunte’s decision to hang them up is that he can’t find a job in the NFL, or at least, not one that he deems worthy of him. Apparently the man who took the NFL by storm in 2000 with the Minnesota Vikings and had many thinking he would revolutionize the way the quarterback position is played, still thinks he’s the greatest quarterback of all time.

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Benefit of Being Bears’ #1 QB: Love From Lohan

You know, in many ways, being named the starting quarterback of the Chicago Bears is kind of like being the one inmate on death row that’s voted most likely to succeed. Sure, you won, but in the end, all you’re going to do is lose.

Kyle Orton Lindsay Lohan

Apparently there are benefits to being the Bears starter that I wasn’t aware of, and those benefits aren’t just free neckbeard combs & all the free Jack Daniels you can chug. No, apparently the job also comes with the admiration of America’s newest favorite lesbian, Lindsay Lohan. She saw Kyle Orton’s dance moves on display over the weekend, and she came away impressed.

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Instead of Banana Hammock, Try The LZR Racer

This seems like a fabulous idea: Speedo will be selling those super-sleek LZR Racer swim suits to the general public. For the millions of you not closely following the mundane minutiae of competitive swimming, the LZR Racer is not without controversy.

Speedo LZR Racer

Apparently, it provides wearers with a technological advantage that has little to do with athletic ability (in a related note, Rex Grossman has contacted Speedo about making a similar suit for football players). I can certainly understand how this might be an issues at, say, the Olympics, but I’m guessing it’ll be less of a concern in line for the diving board at the community pool.

Of course, this raises another question:

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Did Orton Get Nod To Spare Grossman’s Feelings?

It’s hardly surprising that Bears head coach Lovie Smith has named Kyle Orton the starting quarterback for the preseason opener against the Chiefs tomorrow. Partly because Orton was thrust into the role during his rookie season in 2005 and the team won 11 games, but also because Rex Grossman is his primary competition for the full-time job.

Rex Grossman's mad face

Nothing has officially been decided for the season — Smith indicated that Grossman would start next week’s preseason game in Seattle — but the CHICAGO SUN-TIMES’ Brad Briggs has an interesting theory on why Orton will be under center at Soldier Field tomorrow night:

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