Pair of Red Bulls Crash With Drug Suspensions

I guess it was only a matter of time before a performance-enhancing drug scandal rocked the world of American soccer. I, for one, am glad that they are ridding everybody else’s national pastime of PEDs. The last thing we need is MLS becoming more entertaining.

Jon Coway of New York Red Bulls

With two games remaining in the regular season, Jon Conway and Jeff Parke of the New York Red Bulls were suspended for 10 games and docked 10% of their annual salary for testing positive for some supplement you can buy at your local gym. Because there’s nothing more despicable than our professional athletes going to the store and buying things that the rest of us can.

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“The Secret” DVD Made Rampage Jackson Do It

Being strung out on Red Bull usually doesn’t contribute to many incidents of crime. But then, many of us aren’t Quinton “Rampage” Jackson. In yet another follow-up/story change to the historically bizarre insanity that was his monster truck trip through Los Angeles and Orange County, we are now told what else is to be blamed: The Secret.

Jackson’s big night started with energy drinks (or so we’re told, was he not drug tested after arrest?) and ended with a marathon session of watching the New Age DVD “The Secret”.

The chase apparently ended in front of friend Brian Talbert’s home. Rampage had spent the night before watching the DVD of “The Secret” over and over again, and then remembered he had loaned a copy to Talbert, and became obsessed with getting to him to make sure he watched it.

As John Edwards — the Senator, not the dead people talker guy — knows, getting mixed up in that New Age stuff can ruin one’s life. Read more…

Lou Piniella Prefers His Booze to be Malty, Cheap

Great catch by HARRY AND HAWK in a CHICAGO TRIBUNE piece regarding Carlos Zambrano’s caffeine withdrawal (quick answer: not going well). Apparently, Chicago Cubs manager Lou Piniella has been hanging out on Rush Street after the games because he’s spotted an unnerving trend the kids are into:

“I’ve never had Red Bull in my life, but I’ve actually seen people at a bar order Red Bull and vodka. I can’t comprehend that. If I had a couple of those things, I’d be like the malt liquor bull (from the old TV commercials) leaving the bar. My lord.”

Kids drinking Red Bull

Can you believe that? Whatsoever will the kids be into next? Maybe soda in their milk? Gin in their juice? My word!
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Drinking 50 Red Bulls A Day Just Isn’t Healthy

The bizarre tale of former soccer star Paul Gascoigne’s detention under the Mental Health Act took an even stranger turn if we are to believe a report in THE SUN.

Gazza, as they call him, apparently hasn’t just struggled with life after sports; rather, he’s also struggled with how to not drink 50 Red Bulls every day. Read more…