Phillies’ WS Ring Thief Not A Criminal Mastermind

For the second time since last year’s championship, the Philadelphia Phillies have had to deal with an incident with World Series rings going missing. And just like the first quasi-theft thing with the janitor, the case was solved relatively quickly.

Matt Mervine Phillies Ring Thief
(Our perp. No, really. We’re not making that up.)

So how did the Phillies figure out where three employees’ rings went? Well, it helped that they watched it on security tape. Oh, and that the thief had given them his name, phone number, and address beforehand. Oh, and that’s not even the weirdest part.

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College Baller’s Condom Theft Goes Wildly Wrong

You must feel sorry for Malik Alvin and his generously sized mancannon.

Malik Alvin Trojan Condom Stealer

(Show-off.)

At tiny Binghamton University, the school housing authority tries to meet its students’ contraceptual needs, offering condoms for free, but clearly their selection just couldn’t quite measure up. We struggle to think of any other reason why Alvin, a junior guard from Philadelphia via UTEP and Chipola JC, would try to steal a box of Trojan Magnums (Magnums, people; he’s either having sex or wrapping up parking meters) from a local Wal-Mart. Security there noticed Alvin enter a restroom carrying two boxes of the jimmy hats and leave with none, but the real fun began when they approached him and Alvin fled.

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