To recap, Albert Pujols does not take steroids — and to prove it, won’t you please accept this tube of scented bath gel and join him in the tub? Our Cardinals hero used the day before the All-Star game to reiterate his contention that his numbers are not chemically enhanced, and in fact he’s getting downright militant about it. Want to check and see? Seriously — Pujols will pee in a cup in front you right now.

Ever since December 2007, when it was reported by several outlets that his name was included in the Mitchell report - since proven to be false - Pujols has waged a one-man campaign to clear his name. And now, with his astronomical numbers at baseball’s halfway point, Pujols is on the offensive again. You may not be taking the juice, Albert, but your quotes are injected with hilarious goodness. Let’s proceed.

Read more…

Heaven knows it’s a battle to fill the gaping maw of a newspaper sports section (or, heck, an Internet site).  It’s eternally ravenous, utterly unforgiving, and preternaturally cruel.  Lots of writers have to resort to the occasional trick (like comedy bullet points) to keep the beast at bay for another day.

(ARIZONA REPUBLIC writer, considering his next opus)

However, it takes a special effort to knock out 1200 words bemoaning the loss of the baseball superstar.  It takes interviews with other old men as they pass through town to hopefully buttress your case.  It takes calling up your friends and/or other similarly-minded sports fans in town.  It takes quoting Simon and Garfunkel.  And, of course, it takes bullet points.  (These are also funny, but it’s less intentional this time.)

Read more…

I’ve enacted an embargo on all sports media, thanks to Alex Rodriguez’s PEDs admission today. I can’t take anymore talk of how this will affect ARod’s reception by fans and his off-field endorsement career. I could give a damn how Rodriguez is treated by fans or how much off-field money he’ll make in the future.

(Guess those Horse ‘Roids Nomah scored in TJ didn’t do the job)

How is the media missing the only thing that matters in the aftermath of ARod getting nailed to the floorboards? Or am I giving them too much credit?

Read more…

NEW YORK NEWSDAY tracks down John Hart, as the former Texas Rangers GM responds to John Rocker’s allegations that the team & union told him and other players how to take steroids.

Hart, who served as GM from 2001 to 2005, said he “absolutely did not have any idea” that Rocker had previously failed a drug test in 2000. And Hart was even more dumbfounded at accusations that the team would be giving out steroid advice: Read more…