News out of Binghamton, NY, home of the Fighting Kornheisers…
Bad blood spurted between two high school junior varsity girls’ soccer teams last weekend as Horseheads pounded the Vestal girls viciously and repeatedly, allegedly injuring six girls and sending one to the hospital.
Depending on whom you ask, Horseheads parents either cheered on their girls with their nicknames, such as “C’mon, Jewels!” or “Go get ‘em, Meggers!” or they unleashed a torrent of racial slurs on the teens for the entire match.
And where did all of this bile built up between the Lady Horseheads and the Vestal Virgins* secrete itself into the upstate New York soil? Dick Hoover Stadium.
God, we… we just… we love this country so much sometimes that our heart could just burst, y’know?
President Bush will stand on the White House lawn Monday with the young man that has allegedly discovered “Osama”. However, if LSU Sports Information Director Michael Bonnette has his way, the President will never know and these two ships will pass in the night, never knowing that Bush could have closed his presidency on a high.
(There! In the crowd! Osama! Wearing Gator colors!)
Why does Michael Bonnette hate America? Apparently, he doesn’t believe that LSU QB Ryan Perrilloux entered a Kona Grill in Baton Rouge last Sunday with three employees of Crazy Horse Cabaret, plopped down at the bar, and loudly carried on with his group until he realized that his server looked just like Osama bin Laden.
Having spotted the most hated man in America, Perrilloux allegedly shouted “Osama” at the man in a vain attempt to save the country he loves. However, the “Osama”-loving manager eventually threw the four brave Americans out under threat of calling the police.