Jeff Reed Nails FGs, Gets Nailed For Public Intox

Our old friend Jeff Reed is back in the news, and once again, it’s for the type of reasons you never want to have associated with a program. In Pittsburgh, just hours after hitting both of his field goal attempts in the Steelers’ 27-14 victory over the Cleveland Browns, Reed was cited and “technically arrested” - he never actually went to jail, thanks to a family member at the scene - by police for public intox and other related charges.

Jeff Reed Public Intox Public Urination
(He seemed like such a sober fellow.)

Why, then, would such an incident happen? Towel dispensers aside, Reed seems like a happy drunk, and certainly one who wouldn’t earn a public intox charge (which really ought to be renamed “public drunk a$$hole in the vicinity of a police officer”) - to say nothing of disorderly conduct and two other misdemeanors. Well, that Steelers teammate urinating in public nearby probably has something to do with it.

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Baseball Coach Whizzes In Front Of Police Chief

For anyone who has seen “The Bad News Bears” (the real one, not the awful remake with Billy Bob Thornton), the idea of a drunk Little League coach can seem humorous. But as someone who had a coach in real life who was blitzed about 50 percent of the time, I can tell you it’s not. Especially the part where he “forgets” to make the line-up card before the game or “forgets” to show up to the game at all. It’s less “wacky” and more “depressing.”

Urination sign

(If only they had this sign in Watertown, all this trouble could have been avoided)

Some youth baseball players and parents in Watertown, NY learned this lesson the hard way, as the WATERTOWN DAILY TIMES says that one of the league’s coaches showed up to the game hammered. Unfortunately for him, one of the parents in attendance happened to be the town’s police chief. Which makes his alleged decision to avoid the walk to the restroom to urinate and instead go on the side of the field - in retrospect - a little unwise. I’d say he was doing more than putting the “water” in Watertown, if you get my drift.

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The World Is A Urinal To Two New Orleans Saints

One benefit to late nights and early mornings in the grasp of excessive intoxication is the simplicity it bestows on the world. Whereas a sober person can look out the window and see hundreds if not thousands of different things, a drunk man sees an array of urinals, foodstuffs, curios, and targets. You can do one of only four things to something you see, really: mark your territory on it, eat it, steal it, or hit it (whether with a fist, foot, or foreign object). At further levels of intoxication, by the way, the entire world turns into a bed, but we’re getting off topic here. Re-focus.

Ealy Kolomona
(Our two drunken Don Juans, in happier times.)

Of the four drunkman activities, though, the worst idea is probably peeing wherever you feel like it. Sure enough, according to WWL TV, two Saints players are in trouble with the law (and most likely their parents, who we’d hope would never have taught them this kind of behavior) after being arrested for obscenity, lewd conduct, and disorderly conduct. That sounds moderately interesting, but it’s just legalese for the infinitely more entertaining “pull out your hog and piss on a parking lot, then sexually harass some chicks”: Read more…

Isiah Thomas’ Brother Takes A Wee On A Church

It’s not a good time to be related to Isiah Thomas, notwithstanding all the free popcorn you can eat. First his 17-year-old daughter is thrown under the bus when he puts the blame on her for an accidental overdose. Now his ne’er-do-well brother finds himself in trouble for urinating on a church.

Public Urination

Police in Clarendon Hills, Ill., arrested Preston Thomas last week for public urination at Notre Dame Parish. Early theories include a misguided effort to participate in Isiah Thomas’ old IU-Notre Dame rivalry, or an attempt to emulate his younger brother in urinating all over something beloved by many people. The police report doesn’t mention alcohol, but it does give one mindboggling detail that we’ll attempt to break down, after the jump.

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One More Chair Shot, But This Time With Feeling

B-Baller Pees in Bushes, Outrages Public Decency

The last time I was accused of doing something that “outraged the public decency”, it involved a kiddie pool full of chocolate pudding, four or five dancers from Cheetah’s and a lot of duct tape. Let’s just say I’m not allowed within 100 feet of any city park ever again. But apparently what counts as “outrageous” in Los Angeles is a little different in Norman, Oklahoma.

Blake Griffin

At least that’s what I took from the AOL FANHOUSE story on Oklahoma basketball star (and likely 2009 NBA Draft lottery pick) Blake Griffin after he was cited for “Outraging the Public Decency“after being spotted urinating in some bushes at a parking lot near campus early Thursday morning.

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