Drop That Unauthorized Keychain, Or We’ll Shoot!

Canada is no United States, but they’re learning. For instance, what’s the fun in having free speech if you can’t trample on it and throw it in the garbage when the need suits you? The IOC and the Vancouver Olympic Organizing Committee asked themselves that very question recently, and came up with a devilish plan.

The 2010 Vancouver OOC will be sending roving teams of observers throughout the city before and during the games, but they’ll have the power to do more than observe. Selling an Olympic Teddy Bear with an unauthorized Vancouver 2010 logo? We’re confiscating that (grabs bear, kicks you in shin). But that’s not all. Read more…

NBA to Fine Floppers - Protests Coming Next?

Marc Stein of the 50,000-watt flamethrower known as ESPN has received word from the NBA’s dominatrix, Stu Jackson, that he will be charged with punishing players with a penchant to exaggerate possible foul situations. In other words: death to the floppers! (Well… a series of very small paper cuts. But those could hurt if they’re not treated promptly! Yeah!)

Andrei Kirilenko

(You can pry my flopping from my cold dead hands. Unless, of course, you bump into me first. Then it will fall out of my hands when I drop to the ground like a sack of corn meal.)

We fear this will fall apart under the pressure of the NBA season and fail to be pursued after a few months, like calling traveling, improving official scoring, and posting Joey Crawford to D-League games in Siberia. However, we also fear the attempt to return aggressiveness to defenses across the league will be blocked by protests we hear are forming against this new rule.

Read more…

Cal Cuts Off Supplies To Tree-Hugging Hippies

The University of California has had to deal with a contingent of tree-sitters in a grove of oak trees for years — the sitters are trying to keep the university from cutting them down in order to make way for new athletic facilities.  The CONTRA COSTA TIMES reports today that the school recently cut off some of the sitters’ supplies and mechanisms of getting food to each other.

Cal Tree Sitters

The rotating group of sitters known as “Save The Oaks” claims the trees cannot be replaced due to their age, even though the university has pledged to replace every tree cut down with three new ones.

Read more…

Moralistic Utah Oafs Offended By Gym’s Gyrations

Some Utah busybodies have their panties in a bunch over the scantily-clad hardbodies shown at a couple of local gyms.

Pole exercising

The DESERET MORNING NEWS reports that a collection of prudish residents and student groups have petitioned the Gold’s Gyms in Provo & Orem to change their videos on display - claiming that some of their in-house programming is ‘pornographic’.

In addition, they demand that blinds be installed in rooms where more ‘provocative’ workouts take place, such as…*gasp*, dancing! Petitioners proclaim they’ve been shamed by what they’ve seen behind the glass walls of their local for-profit physical activity center.

Read more…