Pirates Salute Incarcerated, Inebritated Among You

Yesterday the Pirates throwbacks brought back the every-popular prison softball look:

Pittsburgh Pirates Prison Softball Uniforms

You know things are hopeless for the Pirates when their own players disagree with the team’s draft picks.

A Fine Cartoon On Dock Ellis’ LSD-Fueled No-No

If you haven’t seen this yet, buckle up, kiddies; it’s time to look back at a different time, a different era, back when men were men, women were burning bras, and pitchers were on acid on the mound. The legend of Dock Ellis‘ no-hitter while he was high is relatively well-known, but most people just know the basics: that he was a pitcher, on acid, throwing a no-no.

Dock Ellis on LSD
(The guy’s name was “Ellis, D.” How could we not see this coming?)

But why not hear the story from Ellis himself? And if we’re going to do that, why not have his testimony accompanied by some truly sensational animation and killer funk? The entire short - too short, really, at just over four and a half minutes - is after the break.

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SbB@3: More Cheap Seats For Your Cheap Dates

Howdy, folks. It’s been a week since we last brought you the cheapest seats on STUBHUB.COM that we could find, and rest assured that we haven’t rested in our search to bring you live event entertainment. Because why sit at home with your family/pets/silverware when you can actually go to a game, get slaughtered on concession prices, and then sit in traffic for 3 hours on the way home? Exactly, it’s a no-brainer; you go to the game.

SbB's (Blocked) View From The Week's Cheap(est) Seats

First off, let’s honor one of the great traditions in all of sport: homecoming! No, not the high school homecoming, where the oldest you can come back for the game without being kind of creepy and pervy is 19. We’re talking about college homecoming, where all the students are legal, and if you’re going to come home for a game, why not do it in the exciting, picturesque (we’re assuming) Mid-American Conference?

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DeShawn Stevenson Shows Off His Frankentattoo

A few months back, during a Bill Simmons podcast, Marc Stein pointed out that NBA players are the single most auspicious group of consumers in professional sports, and that everything they purchase is judged as a sign of status. Stein cited cars, jewelry, and even suits; we’re pretty sure it’s safe to include tattoos on this list.

DeShawn Stevenson Tattoos
(Incidentally, every reporter there was asking him what the hell he was thinking.)

For proof, look no further than Washington Wizard DeShawn Stevenson. The sharp-shooting guard has always had a demonstrative streak about him, but he’s reached absurd new heights with the tattoos he unveiled today. Put it this way: Stevenson turned his neck into a 5-dollar bill, and that might not be the weirdest ink above his shoulders.

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Speed Read: McNulty Makes “Offer” To Big Ben

Andrea McNulty, the woman who has sued Ben Roethlisberger for allegedly raping her last year, has had her credibility and motivations called into question many times since her lawsuit was filed in July. But now, in an attempt to make her seem both less crazy and less of a gold digger, she has offered to withdraw the lawsuit.

Ben Roethlisberger Andrea McNulty

Oh, if it were only that simple. As you’ll see, McNulty’s “offer” may seem like a noble pursuit, but it stipulates that Big Ben do the one thing he’ll never, ever do. So, without further ado, here are the three conditions for having the lawsuit dropped:

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MLB Fan Lunges For Foul Ball, Gets Karma Instead

Maybe it’s just because I’m a Cubs fan who lived through the infamous Bartman Game, but I’ve never understood why adults care so much about shagging foul balls that they’re willing to put themselves at risk to get them. It’s not a valuable souvenir, nobody you show it to is particularly impressed, and presumably if you can afford a ticket to a ballgame you can afford to go purchase your own baseball if that’s what you’re needing. It’s not quite as strange as standing in line for hours to get an autograph, but it’s up there.

Karma Chameleon Attacks Cardinals Fan

At last night’s Cardinals/Pirates game in Pittsburgh, one Cardinals fan (figures) did more to prove the idiocy of the foul ball lunge than a paragraph from me ever could when he flipped face-first over the PNC Park railing, smashing his face and causing a 10-minute game delay in the process.

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Nyjer Morgan Loves Red, Is Possibly A Major Loon

There’s something about the name Morgan that just brings out the crazy in professional baseball — not that that’s a bad thing, necessarily. Know why Nyjer Morgan was happy about going from the Pirates to the Nationals? He likes the color red.

Nyjer Morgan (right)

(Washington Nationals socks uniformity Fail) 

As you can see in the photo above (Morgan is on the right), he likes red the way that a certain Almighty Creator archfiend likes red. And if that seems like an odd way to think, I present you with the receptionist who wins your NCAA office basketball pool every year by picking teams based on uniform color.

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Kids’ All-Star Quest Powered By Pirates Ancestors

The Little League World Series is coming up pretty soon, that time when a young man’s fancy turns to thoughts of Williamsport, Pa. Billy Funkhouser and Brenden Barrows (center and right, below) are no different — they’re teammates on the Hillsborough (Calif.) 11-12 year-old All-Stars, and had been co-MVPs of their league during the regular season. But they had more in common than they knew.

Gordon Barrows, Billy Funkhouser, Brenden Barrows

While researching an old baseball last month that Funkhouser’s dad had in his collection, the boys discovered that they each had rather famous ancestors who were also teammates — on the 1909 World Champion Pittsburgh Pirates. Sam Leever, a star pitcher on that Pittsburgh team who won nearly 200 games in his big league career, is Brenden’s great-great uncle. And Fred Clarke, the Pirates’ player-manager that season and a member of the Major League Baseball Hall of Fame, is Billy’s great-great grandfather. Read more…

Rinku And Dinesh Are Officially Baseball Players

Remember Rinku and Dinesh? Those Indian reality TV show contestants who can throw kind of hard, but not really, but that’s still good enough to get you a contract with the Pirates? They finally got some game action yesterday.

Rinku Singh

Rinku Singh got knocked around a little in his inning of work; Dinesh Patel was better. And neither embarrassed themselves or the Pirates organization, which is a moral victory for everyone. And, as always, the two recapped their afternoon in hilarious broken English on their blog.

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Mets Greeted By Furries: “The Odor Was Horrific”

Just what the Mets needed: As their team bus pulled into Pittsburgh Wednesday night for today’s makeup game with the Pirates, they were greeted not by smiling bellhops at the Westin Hotel, but by that city’s annual convention of furries — Anthrocon ‘09 — which celebrates those who enjoy dressing as animals. If you’ve seen “The Shining,” how can you forget the scene in which Shelley Duval breaks in on two people in mouse costumes in one of the hotel rooms? That still haunts my dreams. Yep, furries.

All of this pretty much freaked out SNY broadcaster Kevin Burkhardt, who encountered several furries at the hotel and has been tweeting about it all day. But for real hilarity, take a look at this transcript of a conversation between Gary Cohen and Keith Hernandez during the game on SNY just a couple of hours ago: Read more…