Howdy, folks. It’s been a week since we last brought you the cheapest seats on STUBHUB.COM that we could find, and rest assured that we haven’t rested in our search to bring you live event entertainment. Because why sit at home with your family/pets/silverware when you can actually go to a game, get slaughtered on concession prices, and then sit in traffic for 3 hours on the way home? Exactly, it’s a no-brainer; you go to the game.

First off, let’s honor one of the great traditions in all of sport: homecoming! No, not the high school homecoming, where the oldest you can come back for the game without being kind of creepy and pervy is 19. We’re talking about college homecoming, where all the students are legal, and if you’re going to come home for a game, why not do it in the exciting, picturesque (we’re assuming) Mid-American Conference?

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A few months back, during a Bill Simmons podcast, Marc Stein pointed out that NBA players are the single most auspicious group of consumers in professional sports, and that everything they purchase is judged as a sign of status. Stein cited cars, jewelry, and even suits; we’re pretty sure it’s safe to include tattoos on this list.

(Incidentally, every reporter there was asking him what the hell he was thinking.)

For proof, look no further than Washington Wizard DeShawn Stevenson. The sharp-shooting guard has always had a demonstrative streak about him, but he’s reached absurd new heights with the tattoos he unveiled today. Put it this way: Stevenson turned his neck into a 5-dollar bill, and that might not be the weirdest ink above his shoulders.

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Andrea McNulty, the woman who has sued Ben Roethlisberger for allegedly raping her last year, has had her credibility and motivations called into question many times since her lawsuit was filed in July. But now, in an attempt to make her seem both less crazy and less of a gold digger, she has offered to withdraw the lawsuit.

Oh, if it were only that simple. As you’ll see, McNulty’s “offer” may seem like a noble pursuit, but it stipulates that Big Ben do the one thing he’ll never, ever do. So, without further ado, here are the three conditions for having the lawsuit dropped:

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Maybe it’s just because I’m a Cubs fan who lived through the infamous Bartman Game, but I’ve never understood why adults care so much about shagging foul balls that they’re willing to put themselves at risk to get them. It’s not a valuable souvenir, nobody you show it to is particularly impressed, and presumably if you can afford a ticket to a ballgame you can afford to go purchase your own baseball if that’s what you’re needing. It’s not quite as strange as standing in line for hours to get an autograph, but it’s up there.

At last night’s Cardinals/Pirates game in Pittsburgh, one Cardinals fan (figures) did more to prove the idiocy of the foul ball lunge than a paragraph from me ever could when he flipped face-first over the PNC Park railing, smashing his face and causing a 10-minute game delay in the process.

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There’s something about the name Morgan that just brings out the crazy in professional baseball — not that that’s a bad thing, necessarily. Know why Nyjer Morgan was happy about going from the Pirates to the Nationals? He likes the color red.

(Washington Nationals socks uniformity Fail) 

As you can see in the photo above (Morgan is on the right), he likes red the way that a certain Almighty Creator archfiend likes red. And if that seems like an odd way to think, I present you with the receptionist who wins your NCAA office basketball pool every year by picking teams based on uniform color.

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The Little League World Series is coming up pretty soon, that time when a young man’s fancy turns to thoughts of Williamsport, Pa. Billy Funkhouser and Brenden Barrows (center and right, below) are no different — they’re teammates on the Hillsborough (Calif.) 11-12 year-old All-Stars, and had been co-MVPs of their league during the regular season. But they had more in common than they knew.

While researching an old baseball last month that Funkhouser’s dad had in his collection, the boys discovered that they each had rather famous ancestors who were also teammates — on the 1909 World Champion Pittsburgh Pirates. Sam Leever, a star pitcher on that Pittsburgh team who won nearly 200 games in his big league career, is Brenden’s great-great uncle. And Fred Clarke, the Pirates’ player-manager that season and a member of the Major League Baseball Hall of Fame, is Billy’s great-great grandfather. Read more…

Remember Rinku and Dinesh? Those Indian reality TV show contestants who can throw kind of hard, but not really, but that’s still good enough to get you a contract with the Pirates? They finally got some game action yesterday.

Rinku Singh got knocked around a little in his inning of work; Dinesh Patel was better. And neither embarrassed themselves or the Pirates organization, which is a moral victory for everyone. And, as always, the two recapped their afternoon in hilarious broken English on their blog.

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Just what the Mets needed: As their team bus pulled into Pittsburgh Wednesday night for today’s makeup game with the Pirates, they were greeted not by smiling bellhops at the Westin Hotel, but by that city’s annual convention of furries — Anthrocon ‘09 — which celebrates those who enjoy dressing as animals. If you’ve seen “The Shining,” how can you forget the scene in which Shelley Duval breaks in on two people in mouse costumes in one of the hotel rooms? That still haunts my dreams. Yep, furries.

All of this pretty much freaked out SNY broadcaster Kevin Burkhardt, who encountered several furries at the hotel and has been tweeting about it all day. But for real hilarity, take a look at this transcript of a conversation between Gary Cohen and Keith Hernandez during the game on SNY just a couple of hours ago: Read more…

For a decade and a half, the Pittsburgh Pirates have been one of the worst teams in professional sports. While lots of finger pointing and laughing has been spent on small-market jokes, the Pirates’ unprecedented run of futility has gone largely unnoticed and unmocked, even as the Chicago Cubs - among others - used the Pirates as their own private farm system.

(PNG at PNC.)

That seemed to change last week when the Pittsburgh Pirates dealt their only legitimate All-Star, Nate McLouth, to the Atlanta Braves this week for a handful of prospects. The Pirates were maybe sorta kinda starting to look like a real Major League Baseball team for the first time in years, and McLouth was seen as the team’s backbone and leader. Sensing a growing public relations disaster, Pittsburgh general manager Neal Huntington “penned” a letter to his team’s few remaining fans. Turns out, Huntington’s as good at PR as he is at putting together winning baseball teams.

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Credit the Atlanta Braves for knowing how to manage a news cycle. They flipped three prospects to the Pittsburgh Pirates for Nate McLouth to answer the need for outfield help (which they failed to answer correctly the first time by not signing Adam Dunn in the offseason), and called up Tommy Hanson (pitching phenom) and sent down Jordan Schafer (outfielder phenom) and look at all the exciting news!

(Nate McLouth: interstate man of mystery no longer)

And, oh by the way, they cut local hero Tom Glavine so they wouldn’t have to pay him up to $3.5 million to throw weaker than Jamie Moyer in a headwind when they don’t really need a farewell tour but more of a starting pitcher. But look! Nate McLouth! All-Star!

Braves GM Frank Wren swears it’s not about the money - which always means it’s about the money. McLouth is actually fairly inexpensive through 2011 with a club option for 2012 if he’s worth $10 million, but the team is replacing three minor league salaries with a major league one (roughly speaking).

Glavine will look for another job and has a decent chance of finding one if the price is right for a desperate franchise. However, no franchise has shown enough desperation to hook up with Sammy Sosa since Baltimore began its bizarre fascination with Chicago Cubs outfielders in 2005 and Texas took Sammy out around the block in 2007.

Therefore, he’s announcing his retirement officially this week… sometime. As always, Sammy has to get an extra swing or two in before finally connecting, so his actual retirement will be later this week. Possibly.

Some will celebrate their last chance to moralize about him before his Hall of Fame eligibility kicks in. Others will tell Sammy to put a cork in it because they’re sick of him. The best recommendation? Smash a boom box with a baseball bat. It’s like an aural piñata!

Finally, the U.S. Men’s National Soccer Team squirted the bed in a simply filthy manner last night in San José, Costa Rica. The U.S. squad gave up two goals in the first 15 minutes of a World Cup qualifier to Costa Rica at the notoriously difficult Saprissa Stadium (banned: alcohol, batteries, and coins) on their way to a 3-1 thumping that wasn’t remotely that close.

(A Costa Rican Superman? Well, that explains a lot)

The bastard out there at ESPN that thought it would help ratings if they jammed Jon & Kate Plus 8 in front of U.S. keeper Tim Howard instead delivered a showing that led the Galavision announcers to chastise the Costa Ricans for not stomping on the throats of the Americans even more and to compare one goal in particular to stealing candy from a baby.

(Actual photo of attempted defensive wall)

Because of two silly yellow cards received by two U.S. players, the American team will be short two people when they play against Honduras at Soldier Field in Chicago Saturday, in what promises to feel like an away game with maybe 25% of the 60,000 fans cheering for Uncle Sam’s boys. If the U.S. doesn’t earn three points with a win, there’s a very real chance they could miss next year’s World Cup in South Africa.

If U.S. coach Bob Bradley is still looking for a left back that has never played there before in a crucial situation, why not call on Tom Glavine? He’s available; he’s a winner; he’s looking for a job. At worst, he can help heave batteries back into the crowd at a gentle 83 mph.

And now a hail of sapphire bullet points of pure love for the Queen of the Blues on her passing…

• One old baseball man who tabled his moment in the sun: Randy Johnson. His first attempt at 300 wins in D.C. last night got washed out by Mother Nature (whom Randy went to elementary school with) and will be played today at 4 pm ET with Mr. Unit on the mound.
• Carlos Zambrano continues to show disrespect to inanimate objects by blowing off the team jet to Atlanta (and not for the first time). Needless to say, this story doesn’t have legs if the Cubs aren’t splashing around .500 still.
• Also filed under “not living up to expectations and therefore open to criticism”, please note the Serena Williams entry created when she lost in the quarterfinals. She showed up to the French Open out of shape mentally and physically, choosing to wear outfits that accentuated the latter and threw snit fits that proved the former. The only person this “athlete/actress” is cheating is herself.

• Perhaps Serena just needs the proper motivation, just like this young lady race driver does: win a race, get a lawn mower.
• It’s unclear what would motivate you and 13 of your closest friends to spend $15,000 on a suite for two Cleveland Indians games and one Cleveland Browns game, though. Perhaps you have a pathological fear of germs transmitted by $100 bills.
• Is the NCAA forcing Florida State to break the law?
• In other legal news, Yahoo! sues the NFLPA for their shot at fantasy stats sans royalties, same as CBS Interactive. Please remember to send the Players Association one dollar every time you think of an NFL player. (This should leave you free to think about Vince Young all day.)
• However, Tony Dungy has license to think Jay Cutler to the Bears was a lousy move.
• Michelle Kwan has finally earned her bachelor’s degree, the slacker. Good luck finding a job in this market; hopefully, she has some skill to fall back on.
• The WNBA pushed back their season two weeks to accommodate the schedules of Russian and European women’s leagues instead of the other way around.  So we’ll be taking the WNBA seriously any day now.
• A José Lima sighting is a cheap excuse to run this photo again with zero apologies required: