Kevin Johnson learned the hard way what happens when you leave the bucolic, tree-lined streets of Sacramento and head into the bustling, hard-edged metropolis that is San Francisco. You stop to help an elderly man get into a cab, and BOOM! (John Madden goes to telestrator): You’re suddenly a robbery victim.

Johnson of course is a former NBA guard who is now the mayor of Sacramento (which has its own share of crime. But it’s also quite shady and laid back, with more squirrels per capita than any city in America). Recently he blogged about being a crime victim while visiting SF. See the shocking details: Read more…

You know the Bills have had a rough history when they can completely blow a game like they did last night, and you can think of like five worse that have happened to them over the years off the top of your head. Buffalo used a poorly-timed fumble on a kickoff that never should’ve been returned to come from ahead and lose to the Patriots, 25-24, in both teams’ season opener.

(These guys have three Super Bowl rings between them)

It wasn’t a completely devastating loss for the Bills (they were, of course, supposed to lose). It’s not like Vincent Gallo’s going to make a movie about it or anything. But at this rate, the people of upstate New York are just going to start hoping the team moves to Toronto so they don’t have to be so miserable all the time. They also should be happy to know that Brady told his New England teammates that he “knew” the Bills would let them back into the game late.

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• Whether you adore her or want to ignore her, Erin Andrews is starting to embrace her popularity more & more - such as posing for a GQ photoshoot.

• Help wanted: New Mexico football office. Only hot young girls need apply.

• Redskins backup QB Colt Brennan denies reports that he’s Jessica Simpson’s new NFL stud.

• Tom Cable shows how rough & tough the Raiders are going to be this season by breaking the jaw of one of his assistant coaches.

• The Dodgers turn to Snoop Dogg to help sell tickets. Fo’ shizzle.

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• Reggie Bush & Kim Kardashian are gonna give love another chance.

It’s gotta be the new hair!

• Those 38 wins by the Memphis Tigers two years ago? The NCAA declares that it never happened.

• That seems a bit harsh. Next thing you’ll tell me, giving cream cheese to athletes would be considered an NCAA violation.

• Plaxico Burress pleads guilty to gun possession charge, will spend the next two seasons playing for the penal pigskin league.

• First Patrick Kane, and now Aqib Talib. Why do pro athletes hate cabbies so much?

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If the 1980s taught us anything, it’s that all is fair in love & war, and business = war. Shaquille O’Neal must have been paying attention when he was growing up. Did you watch the first episode of the new reality show “Shaq Vs.,” in which O’Neal is pitted against different sports celebrities in their own games? At least one person — Steve Nash — thought that show looked very familiar.

That’s because it was Nash’s idea, and Shaq stole it.

If you watched the credits following Tuesday’s debut episode (and I pity you if you’re that deathly bored), you may have noticed that Nash is listed as an executive producer. That’s what you get — plus a bundle of cash, I presume — when you mention your idea for a new reality show to a friend, and that friend “borrows” the idea and makes his own show. Come on, Shaq!

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• Jay Glazer will not be bullied by the Boys from Bristol. In fact, the Fox Sports reporter declares, “I wouldn’t mind punching one of these guys!”

• Wonder if Don Ohlmeyer will mention this in his next ESPN ombudsman column.

• The Knicks’ Nate Robinson Tweets about his recent arrest as it happens!

• For finally signing Stephen Strasburg, the Nationals show their gratitude toward interim GM Mike Rizzo by giving him his walking papers.

• Who would you rather name your new high school after - Alonzo Mourning or Janet Reno?

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So, you’d like to vote for those plucky kids on “American Idol”, but just can’t stand watching it due to all the Seacrest? Well, here’s some democracy you can get behind: The Phoenix Suns are letting fans vote to see who will make the final roster for the Suns Dancers.

(No, you may not vote for Ashley Roberts)

The Suns Dancers are currently holding auditions, as if you didn’t know, with the finals coming on Saturday (video and more photos following the jump). And featured on the team site is a page where fans can vote for the final 16 they think should make the squad. Two things about that, though:

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Shaquille O’Neal, the Big General Manager, couldn’t resist letting everyone know that he is still master of his destiny and in control of all that he surveys after his trade to Cleveland left him without comment on his own vociferous Twitter account this week for nearly 24 hours.

(The Big Envoy)

Therefore, Shaq let slip that Phoenix Suns president/GM Steve Kerr received interest from Portland for the Big Center of Attention during last season’s trade deadline, but he put his huge foot down on those discussions.  Except, of course, no one else seems to think it happened like that.

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• Cleveland Browns WR Donte Stallworth is sentenced to 30 days in jail in a plea-bargain agreement in the drunk driving death of Miami Beach pedestrian Mario Reyes.

• The Famous Chicken may soon be nesting down in his retirement coop.

• Exciting times for Michael Strahan - he’s got a Fox “comedy” in the works, and he’s now engaged to Eddie Murphy’s ex.

• Speaking of bad shows, “Joe Buck Live” may not have a bright future - unless you consider foul-mouthed Artie Lange as your program’s savior.

• Soccer star Rio Ferdinand follows Cristiano Ronaldo’s fashion lead.

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Without a doubt, since Michael Jordan’s retirement, the two most physically dominant players in the NBA have been Shaquille O’Neal, then LeBron James (rounding out the top five, if you were curious, would probably be Dirk Nowitzki, Yao Ming, and Tracy McGrady). This is to take nothing away from the momentous accomplishments of Tim Duncan and Kobe Bryant in the same timeframe; if anything, their substantial combined amount of rings serves as testament that basketball is about more than just freakish athleticism.

(SbB’s state-of-the-art FutureTron 2000 supercomputer brings you the most realistic simulation yet of what Shaq would look like in the Cleveland uniform.)

And while the 37-year-old O’Neal’s clearly not the Superman he once was, the Big Aristotle’s game still has a bit of Pythagorus in it; his numbers are about the best they’ve been in the last three years. But one number the Diesel might not like is four: the amount of rings both he and Kobe have now. In the big man’s quest to ride out on the highest note possible, he’s looking to join fellow superhumanoid LeBron and the Cavs for the 2009-10 season.

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