You remember Robert Eaton, the Tampa Bay Rays fan who wanted an autograph from the Phillies’ J.C. Romero last week, and wound up getting throttled by the pitcher. Now Eaton wants more than a signature — he wants cash. It’s litigation time at the Trop! (Jaunty organ music here).
That’s not actually Eaton pictured on the right above, although that’s how I pictured him while he was talking, along with his attorney Jim Magazine, on WIP radio in Philadelphia on Tuesday. I wonder, did the interview conclude with a call-in segment? I would have loved to hear that, since they were in Philadelphia. Anyway, as Jimmy Shapiro of Sports Radio Interviews.com points out: “Eaton talks of a neck injury and I can totally see a Brady Bunch type neck brace in a court setting for this clown.”
Since the Day of Reckoning is going to be here pretty soon (Dec. 21, 2012 to be exact), Darren Daulton figures there’s a few loose ends he’d like to take care of. For instance, if you’re a professional athlete and you think you’ve done a lot of drugs, think again. Dutch would like you to know that he’s probably done more.
You’re most likely aware by now that the former Phillie is several very special varieties of crazy. My favorite is the time that he told Philadelphia Comcast that he talks to lizards:
Rays fans didn’t exactly go crazy for the World Series rematch with the Phillies at the Trop this week — they didn’t get a crowd that topped 21,000. But one Rays fan got his money’s worth down by the Phils’ bullpen, and ended up getting allegedly smacked around by J.C. Romero.
Romero, if you didn’t know, was the winning pitcher in the deciding game of the Series last year, then was suspended for 50 games this year for testing positive for androstenedione during the 2008 season. He and some other Phillies were approached by 25-year-old Robert Eaton for autographs, but after brushing him off Eaton yelled out to Romero something about him “getting some juice” instead. J.C. didn’t take too kindly to that, but after reading the whole story I’m not so sure that Eaton doesn’t come off looking like the bigger idiot.
Tensions had been brewing for some time, but the war between Jon Stewart and the baseball fans of Philadelphia officially got underway on Thursday at approximately 11:14 p.m. EST. Ironically, it was during a segment on “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” in which the host was attempting to lampoon North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il, that things got out of hand and went all NL East. Instead of Li’l Kim, Stewart ended up poking Phillie Nation with a long, pointed stick.
Stewart, an unabashed New York Mets fan, used the premise of North Korea’s recent missile attack threat on the U.S. on the Fourth of July lob his Philly bomb. He pointed out that such an attack on such a date would hardly be noticed in the U.S., where everything would be exploding anyway. And before you knew it, he was calling Philadelphians as*****s. Ha. Full transcript and video below.
Okay, we need to say right off the bat that the above headline technically isn’t right, nor did we ever think it was right. Philadelphia fans at least have the common sense to stay in their own city to rain blows down on each other. But it’s been years since we’ve seen Russell Crowe foightin’ ’round the world, and we kind of miss it. Anyhoo.
(”‘Ey! I’m ‘ere with me friend Tugger, and we’re ready to foight!“)
Fans in Philadelphia have most justifiably earned a reputation for loutish behavior, a tradition that goes back for decades. But usually it’s directed at outsiders, like Santa Claus. “Go back to the North Pole, you fat [expletive deleted]!” But fighting each other? Well, that’s new. They’re… they’re evolving. Or devolving, one of the two. Watch the face-mashing after the break.
SPORTSbyBROOKS, in conjunction with Disney on Broadway and RosieO’Donnell, is proud to present the upcoming smash Internet musical that will leave your toes a-tappin’ and your wallet a-empty: How to Succeed at Sports Business Without Really Trying!
Nathan Lane plays Sam Zell, a real estate magnate who overleverages himself in order to buy a major company in a rapidly shrinking industry just before the lending bubble bursts. It’s zany fun (except for the hundreds laid off, but they’re offstage anyway).
Desperate to make debt payments, he tries to sell the only profitable part of the company: a sports team known for being both lovable and not-winners. Still, he can’t find anyone willing to put up with his byzantine conditions in time to avoid bankruptcy.
However, to please the bankruptcy judge and try to salvage some of his own wealth, he presses on (as captured in the frenetic number, “Doesn’t Anyone Want to Get My Goat?”) and finds a family willing to buy the team off him.
Will the family bow to the planted story and give the charismatic dwarf what he demands? Will his bluff be called and leave him singing “The Blue-Pinstriped Bankrupt Overtaxed Blues”?
And that’s just Act One, kids! Just wait till you see what’s in Act Two!
As the curtain rises on the second act, a strikingly successful bald man with an accent from the Queen’s lands (Patrick Stewart in a rare singing role) tries to make off in the night with a bag jammed full of hockey players from Phoenix (The Jonas Brothers). Caught at the U.S./Canada border, he tries to plead his case to the judge, who laughs him off and tells him to get back in line.
Having been cast a hand so weak that he could call it “The Stranger”, Jim Balsillie (the aforementioned smooth-headed rascal) organizes Make It Seven Day for today (June 19th) to encourage the creation or move of an NHL team to Canada to raise the number of Canadian NHL teams to seven.
(Jim Balsillie performing “Make It Seven the Really Hard Way”)
He bounces around the stage, Robert Preston-style, to sing to people that “Make It Seven Day is all about providing a voice to Canadian hockey fans, while raising money for minor hockey teams across the country.” (It all sounds better when it’s set to Elton John’s “Greater Toronto Area Freedom”.)
The Canadian chorus, recognizing a true Canadian hero in their midst, throw him onto their shoulders while he waves the Maple Leaf triumphantly and leads a round of “O Canada (Deserves a Seventh Team)” before someone in the crowd (Robin Thicke) realizes Balsillie is using nationalism (and corporate sponsors) to give himself a plaything and cast himself as a hero as well as a billionaire.
Also, the kid in the crowd realizes that the rich bald guy still hasn’t brought them a team, either, for all his bluster.
The crowd escorts Balsillie to the edge of the stage and tosses him back to America, warning him not to come back without a team this time. End of Act Two.
Oh, but Act Three… it’s the most expensive act in Internet musical history as it involves tearing Formula One asunder by chasing all the wealthiest teams (including Ferrari and McLaren) into forming their own league because Formula One dared suggested they not outspend all the other teams so badly anymore.
Well, the rich teams responded in eight-team harmony, if you won’t let us spend ridiculously in Formula One, we’ll build our own playpen so we can try to outspend each other with absurd amounts of cash.
Needless to say, this act’s a blatant theft of the American version of this musical, starring Jesse L. Martin as Tony George. It ends like the American version, too: both sides drain all the interest out of open-wheel racing, the money dries up, and Danica Patrick is cast as the savior. (Hey, if NASCAR can do it…)
(As always, it’s a race to the bottom with Danica)
On the other hand, you should see Formula One boss Max Mosley’sNaziriffic spanktastic encore for this show (and Formula One’s final bow):
As the old joke goes, Jeremy Roenick donned his sparkly collar and surely proved that he has a career waiting for him on the stage, as seen during last night’s NHL Awards. In fact, if he hurries, there’s a stage leaving town in 15 minutes.
The Detroit Tigers have benched Magglio Ordoñez“indefinitely” due to his mediocre performance at the plate and definitely not because management has told Jim Leyland to sit on The Big Tilde to avoid triggering a clause in his contract to pay him $18 million in 2010. However, if Ordoñez would like to catch up on his DVR watching during the game, that would be totally cool with the Tigers.
If you’re a big fan of your favorite team, you won’t just stop at collecting cards or jerseys. You’ll also buy the unauthorized porn video (whose screen captures are probably just a bit NSFW). C’mon; if you’re in for an inch, you’re… probably doing it wrong, actually.
Let’s see… an AL pitcher is hurt on the basepaths in interleague games for the second year in a row. You know what that means: OMG PANDEMIC RUN FOR THE HILLS (unless you’re an AL pitcher; they get designated runners).
A few members of Iran’s soccer team donned green quietly to support the growing support for those demonstrating back in Iran while the players participate in the Confederations Cup in South Africa. They could be in a bit of trouble when they return home.
Perhaps the experts should handle the new handle for Derek Fisher now that he’s sunk another huge shot to carry the Lakers into overtime, where they took a formidable 3-1 series lead via a 99-91 triumph in Orlando last night. A three-pointer on an unusual inbounds play (taking it full court instead of using the opportunity to advance the ball on a time out) with just a few clicks left on the clock cinched the need for extra work from Kobe and friends.
Neither team shot the ball worth a Mouse’s posterior, allowing the Magic to freefall from a 12-point lead into an overtime where they made one lousy shot from the field. Also not helping: the Vitamin Water that made Dwight Howard’s hands too slippery, causing him to turn the ball over seven times and miss over half of his 14 free throw attempts.
The series continues Sunday (because why rush greatness?) in Orlando, but it’s all over but the Kobe Koronation (™ SPORTSbyBROOKS Industries), barring three straight Creighton-esque repeats of Game 3’s wanton abuse of the three-point stripe.
(That man is Bill Guerin, 87-year-old right wing for the Penguins. The sign is in Pittsburgh. The ridiculously large bird wearing the faux sandwich board probably isn’t a union member.)
On the other hand, the birds that sabotaged the Kansas City Royals last night in Cleveland have clearly organized. The Indians’ Shin-Soo Choo singled in the bottom of the tenth to score Mark DeRosa for a 4-3 win, but any possible throw to the plate to thwart the scoring attempt by DeRosa had to be abandoned when the batted ball bounced off a flock of seagulls in center field and ricocheted away:
First bugs and now nature’s winged rats… the Indians will rain down just about any ol’ plague on its enemies, won’t they? The only natural disaster of Biblical proportions left to terrorize opponents with has to be Dwight Howard’s free throws. (Bricks are the little-known 11th plague for obvious reasons.)
Rex Grossman has gone from starting quarterback for the Chicago Bears to battling for the backup backup slot in Houston. On the other hand, he’s still being paid to play a game professionally, so we shouldn’t mo… eh, screw it; we’re mocking him deep.
