In the wake of last night’s COACHFAIL in the Pats-Colts game, the universe and its mom have been leveling unvarnished invective at Bill Belichick. Rightly so, at first blush; with a few seconds before the 2 minute warning and protecting a dwindling 34-28 lead, Belichick opted to go for it on 4th and 2… from New England’s own 28 yard line. The try failed by a slim margin, the Colts took over, and Peyton Manning calmly guided his team to the winning touchdown with 13 seconds to play. Ballgame.

(Wanna get away?)

So, yeah. Going for it and failing from the hinterlands of Obvious Punt Territory - soon to become the USA’s 51st state -  and watching the game slip away immediately afterwards is an unforgivably bad decision, yes? Well, not so much. Contrary to immediate intuition, it was, in fact, the Patriots’ best chance at winning the game.

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• The Dolphins held the ball for more than 30 minutes longer than the Colts, but it was Peyton Manning & Co. who left Land Shark Stadium with a 27-23 win on Monday night.

• It’s a Twitter trifecta: First, Redskins rookie LB Robert Henson takes “dim wit” Washington fans to task for booing at FedEx Field.

• Then Marcus Fitzgerald bitches on behalf of brother Larry about the lack of catches the Cardinals WR is getting.

• And Wisconsin coach Bret Bielema admits that one of his scouting techniques is following the Tweets of opposing players.

• A South Carolina man is sentenced to life in prison without parole for the vicious stabbing death of a high school cheerleader.

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Normally, you don’t see a broadcast booth spend a plurality of a football game raving about the “time of possession” statistic. Then again, normally, you don’t see a team win said battle by a full 30 minutes of game time, which is precisely what Miami did to Indianapolis last night. And then again, you don’t normally see a team control the ball for fewer than 15 minutes of the game… and win anyway.

(”Okay, so you just scored the go-ahead touchdown. Allow me to retort: BOOOO THUMBS DOWN TO YOU BOOOOOOO!”)

But lo and behold, thanks to the quickest of quick-strike offenses, the Colts did exactly that; thanks to touchdown drives of 1, 6, and 4 plays, Indianapolis prevailed in Miami, 27-23. Indeed, the Colts’ longest drive of the night was a 9-play drive that led to a 2nd quarter field goal; on the other side of the field, the Fins had exactly one shorter drive: an 8-play, 25-yard drive that ended in a punt. After that, literally every drive of theirs was 9 plays or longer. That’s the longest shortest drive since [ERROR WE ARE NOT ELIAS SPORTS BUREAU CLIENTS ABORT, RETRY, FAIL?].

Ah, but without turnovers, time of possession is effectively meaningless. Read more…

Hey, Broncos fans. Remember back when Jay Cutler was an unhappy Bronco, trying to force a trade out of town? Remember that, and how most fans and media in the Denver area acted like a bunch of jilted high school boyfriends when he asked for a trade? Oh, yes, Denver fans. You claimed you never liked the guy anyway, and he was a big baby jerkface, and you’d be better off without such a non-team player. Yeah, those days were fun, right? Right up to the point when you wound up with Kyle Orton. Oops.

Fast forward a few months. Cutler is turning heads all around Chicago with his brash style, confident demeanor, and football abilities. He’s the talk of the town today after blowing the Giants out of the water in yesterday’s preseason game, and has Bears fans excited about contending for a division championship and maybe even more. Denver, meanwhile, is being treated to…well, Kyle Orton, who does Kyle Orton things in his own Kyle Orton way.

(Warning: Video after the jump is not for the weak of stomach - for Broncos fans, anyway.)

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Poor Clinton Portis — he had this schtick all ready to go for Week 3. Now he’ll have to scrap it, because Reggie Wayne showed up to Colts training camp on Sunday in construction worker’s gear, driving a dump truck. Wayne’s message? It’s time to get to work on construction of the road to the Super Bowl.

Of course, knowing state highway construction workers like I do, it could also mean “We’ve spent three years building this overpass and we’re still not done.” Will the Colts also take two hour lunch breaks, the second hour of which they’ll be charging double overtime? The answer is unclear. Read more…

I’m pretty sure that over the coming weeks, months and possibly even years we’re all going to learn a lot about the life of the late Steve McNair. Maybe more than any of us ever really wanted to know, but as the details of his murder become clearer it’s bound to happen.

Unfortunately there’s a possibility that during all this we may forget just how good of a football player the man was. There’s also a chance that his accomplishments on the football field may become exaggerated. So with that in mind the BALTIMORE SUN recently ran a poll with 24 NFL Hall of Fame voters to see whether or not McNair is bound for Canton once he’s eligible in 2013.

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Howard Mudd has spent 35 straight seasons coaching in the NFL, serving the last 11 years as offensive line coach for the Indianapolis Colts. During his time in Indy, Mudd has plotted to provide protection for conquering QB hero Peyton Manning, with positive results - the Colts line has ranked 7th or better in the league in sacks allowed for 10 of those 11 years, helping Peyton amass the 11 best passing yardage seasons in team history.

But now Howard has decided to give his coaching career the heave-ho, telling the team he plans to retire. But it’s not because he’s tired of the job - he’s worried about his future finances.

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Remember that 80s movie “The Best of Times” with Robin Williams as the nerd who dropped the big touchdown pass from Kurt Russell that would have given Taft High the win over arch-rivals Bakersfield, and how he convinces both teams to replay the game years later? Probably not, because it wasn’t a huge hit, although I remember since I was actually living in Taft that summer (not a highlight of my life), and it was just about the biggest deal ever in town (that and the Circle K opening in town).

It looks like we have a sequel brewing, only this time in real life: RIVALS.COM says that members of the 1993 teams from bitter foes Easton (PA) and Phillipsburg (NJ) are going to be replaying their 7-7 tie on April 26. This is all part of a program called Gatorade REPLAY which spotlights some of the best rivalries in high school football, which of course meas there are special perks for the players, such as special training sessions to get in shape. And having Peyton and Eli Manning as the honorary coaches.

(If that’s the case, shouldn’t the two teams be settling this the manly way: in the Double Stuff Licking League?)

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The Netherlands’ World Baseball Classic team showed just how awesome colonialism was with their second victory over the Dominican Republic yesterday, 2-1 in 11 innings. This unlikely series of events pushes the Netherlands team into the second round and eliminates the Dominican squad.

The Netherlands team’s combination of Arubans, Netherlands Antilles residents, and the occasional Dutch person bested the Dominicanos behind the power of their pitching in both games, no doubt buoyed by pitching coach Bert Blyleven.

If Blyleven can turn Sidney Ponson into a nominal pitcher again, he should launch past potential MLB pitching coach jobs and apply for beatification.

(We kid.  While the WBC is a watering hole for semi-famous former ballplayers, it’s not exactly a test of coaching mettle. Also, 24 walks in 29 innings isn’t worth bragging about. Small sample size, thy name is “first-round WBC exit for the DR”.)

Apparently, Jay Cutler doesn’t picture himself as chattel. He leans into the mirror and he sees a diabetic, perhaps. He probably sees a Pro Bowl quarterback. However, he just can’t see the piece o’meat others do.

Therefore, the healing process after his near-trade (okay, his far-trade) from the Broncos to Tampa (or Kansas City or what not) hasn’t gone smoothly. In fact, it’s more of a scab-picking competition between Broncos management and Cutler’s people. An attempt at a long-distance group hug fell apart yesterday and both sides are the worse for wear for it.

We just finished listening to Bill Simmons’ latest podcast with Houston Rockets GM Daryl Morey and, yes, he’s brilliant. However, he kept referring to his players as “assets” he needed to accumulate to gather different assets down the line.

This is all fine and true, but you don’t engender loyalty when you refer to your employees with the same terminology as you’d use to describe your real estate holdings.

So yes, it’s a big bad business and Cutler knew what he was in for when he signed up to be a professional ballplayer, but he doesn’t have to like it. Also, if he has the leverage, he doesn’t have to put up with it.

And hey… if the Broncos don’t need a 25-year-old quarterback that has proved more than competent for the job, maybe they can’t value their assets or their people as well as they could.

Former NFL placekicker Tony Zendejas found himself acquitted of rape charges by a Pomona jury yesterday. (The rather painful details have been covered here previously;  those sensitive to discussion of “anal tears” are encouraged to pass on the link.)

At least he can safely return to “Party Time, Zendejas Time!!!!!“ now.

And now the proverbial hail of bullets while wrestling an injured lunatic ninja kangaroo in your living room…

• Ben Woodside, the college basketball player that scored 60 points in a loss earlier this season, just made the shot to send North Dakota State to the NCAA tourney in their first year of eligibility as a D-I school.
• LaDainian Tomlinson and the Chargers agreed to a three-year contract. “Anchors Aweigh” seems appropriate, considering San Diego’s a Navy town.
• If you mess with the Husky, you get the cyber whip: Some bright fellow (and Washington State fan) got ahold of a University of Washington player’s cell number and harrassed him through calls and texts before the big rivalry game. After UW beat WSU, the Husky player posted his harrasser’s number on Twitter and told his friends and fans to “let him have it”.
• If you cheat on a math test to stay eligible to play in the high school state tourney, don’t get caught. If you do get caught, get your mother to sue for a temporary restraining order to force the school to let you play in the tourney.

• Breaking up is hard to do, true, but the good news? Ladies… Hulk Hogan will be single soon!
• Lamar Odom will miss a game for leaving the bench in Monday’s loss to the Trail Blazers. However, Trevor Ariza is still allowed to practice whatever brand of defense he has. You know, the one that sends the other guy to the hospital overnight. “Hard-nosed”, we suppose.
• And now maybe Shaq wants to leave Phoenix. Again, we’re all for the return of personal choice for professional athletes, but we didn’t mean to suggest the athlete should make as many different ones as possible.
• Barack Obama favors one Sarge over all others in his posse. That would seem to hurt troop morale, but no one’s fussing yet.
• Peyton Manning couldn’t make it to his own state holiday because Tiger wanted to hit a few golf balls around. Hey, we’d make the same call and we can’t even putt adequately into the clown’s mouth.

Everyone remembers Matt Hasselbeck’s not so timely flawed prognostication during the Seahawks’ first playoff foray back in 2004, when the Seattle quarterback loudly declared “We want the ball and we’re going to score,” after winning the overtime coin toss. Well, last night Chargers nose tackle Jamal Williams boldly made the same declaration, albeit with a bit more brevity. As soon as the Chargers won the coin toss, Williams loudly announced: “Game over” to the group of captains at midfield. Unlike Monsieur Hasselbeck, Williams will be playing in the second round of the playoffs, making it one of the ballsiest on-the-spot predictions in recent years.

(Jamal Williams: A fatter instant Nostradamus.)

The story, and the video you see after the jump (The “Game over” line comes at 0:23), were discovered by FANHOUSE earlier today, and in retrospect, Williams kind of steals the overtime spotlight. Not to diminish Darren Sproles’s rather sizable game (in terms of achievements, not in terms of his size, obviously), but having a defensive lineman say “Game over” after winning the coin toss is not exactly an everyday occurrence. After all, that’s basically saying, “We’re so good, I’m not even going to have to play in this extra period.”

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