Golf club attacks are not funny. We repeat: they are not funny. Golf clubs are at the very top of sports’ evolutionary chain of hand-held objects designed to send projectiles a long distance, and that means if they catch hold of a skull instead of a Titleist, bad things are soon to follow. Like 21 months in jail bad.
(For the third time: NOT FUNNY.)
So it’s with that somber approach that we talk about this latest news, in which one Charles Kascinski (no, not him) attacked a 16-year-old with a golf club. Oh, and it happened as the victim and his friends were approaching a police officer, so yes, there’s more to this story.
It’s a beautiful summer day, and you’re out in the yard with your kids and a couple of friends, just enjoying a nice, relaxing day. Then, suddenly, a man appears with a challenge. Although, this is not just any man, and not just any challenge.
It’s your drunk neighbor, he’s naked, and he wants to fight you, karate-style. If you were lucky enough to be in the Gettysburg, Pennsylvania area last August, you might have seen this glorious display for yourself. Unsurprisingly, the man’s offer to exchange floppy roundhouse kicks went unfulfilled, and naked karate will be the least of his worries for the next month.
The ASSOCIATED PRESS reports a Pennsylvania high school wrestling coach has chosen to resign, rather than face criminal charges for biting one of his players.
Mike Marshall of Central Cambria High reportedly bit the wrestler on the upper thigh during a practice back on January 21. Police say the chomp caused bruising but did not draw blood. The unidentified wrestler said he wouldn’t press charges if Marshall resigned from his coaching position.
Marshall is also a probation officer for the Cambria County Department of Juvenile Probation. So, maybe he was just getting carried away with McGruff’s plea to “take a bite out of crime.” Meanwhile, Marv Albert has volunteered to do play-by-play for the Pa. state wrestling finals.
HS FOOTBALL TEAM WITH MOHAWKS GETS CLIPPING CALL: Members of a Pennsylvania high school football team that were modeling mohawks now have to shave them off:
The EASTON EXPRESS-TIMES cuts to the chase of 25 Easton High School footballers sporting the unusual hairstyle. The players said it was a show of team unity before their Thanksgiving Day game against rival Phillipsburg.But the principal told them this week to cut their hair or get cut from class. The school’s dress code prohibits “mohawk- type haircuts” or “spike haircuts in which the hair is sectioned and brought to a point.”
Many players are upset with the code rules, and have even petitioned the school board to scalp the mohawk ban. Some board members suggested letting the team retain the ‘dos until after the Turkey Day game, but the principal said he would maintain the policy.
In the meantime, the Red Rovers will have to come over, and hippity-hop to the barber shop.