Paris Hilton: ‘I Paid For Cristiano Voodoo Curse’

In our last episode, Pepe the Witch, a sorcerer from the Málaga Province in Spain, announced that he had placed a voodoo curse in Real Madrid’s Cristiano Ronaldo that was responsible for the soccer star’s recent ankle injury. But why would Pepe do such a thing? He’s always been a benevolent witch, using his powers mostly for good; except occasionally getting women’s dresses to fly up as they walk by.

Cristiano Ronaldo, Paris Hilton

Someone paid him to do it, said Pepe. And that someone? Paris Hilton, Cristiano’s “jilted lover” who — according to Pepe — took a voodoo doll of Ronaldo and “stabbed him in the spine.” Results, presumably, above.

But there’s more to this tale; apparently Pepe’s curse went much deeper than a foot injury. And sadly, it affects us all. The horrifying result of the voodoo curse on Cristiano Ronaldo, following the jump. Read more…

Nerf Guns Make Me Want To Play With Nerf Again

Okay, it’s debatable whether Nerf guns qualify as “sport,” per se, but we think we can safely tuck it into the rarely-used “Hunting & Fishing” section. No, you’re not going to take out a 12-point buck with these things, but why hunt deer when you can hunt the most dangerous game of all: man?

Nerf N-Strike Deathbringers
(Good lord, those actually look lethal.)

Those are the next generation of Nerf guns, apparently, and as fully grown adults who last picked up a Nerf toy more than half our life ago, we can confidently say that these things look incredible. Where were these when we were kids? Oh, right, they were in the future, and we just found them, baby. GAME ON.

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Hell Hath No Fury Like A Soccer Ex-WAG Scorned

Cristiano Ronaldo is a very rich man. He’s the highest-paid soccer player in the land, as a matter of fact, so you can just imagine what kind of women he’s able to attract.

Nereida Gallardo
(Yes, please.)

One of them is Nereida Gallardo, pictured above in her eternal struggle to find a shirt that’ll fit. But the two were seen fighting inside a nightclub recently, and the split was on. Unfortunately for Ronaldo, Gallardo has no qualms with revealing every single unflattering detail about their sex life on Spanish television. Oh, it got bad.

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Week In Review: No Steroids in MLB, Why Watch?

• Major League Baseball without steroids is like porn without the silicone.

Monster Implants In Porn Like Steroids In Baseball

Just don’t blog about the subject with Raul Ibanez.

Rodney Harrison doesn’t like how the NFL has become “soft and pansy“.

• A Fox News morning show lambasts MTV for Bruno’s ass-ault on Eminem - then does a segment with a Fox reporter doing basically the same thing to a lingerie football player.

Tim Floyd takes off from the Trojans. What, and leave the Song Girls?

• Soon-to-be newlyweds Kendra Wilkinson & Eagles WR Hank Baskett are expecting a baby. On the other side of the spectrum, Barry Bonds’ wife demands a divorce.

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Porn People Want To Place Ads on Texans Jerseys

• In lieu of a new NFL rule, an adult film company makes an offer to place its ads on the Houston Texans’ practice jerseys.

Andre Johnson Crude Oil porno

• Despite some secretly-planted grass, the Red Sox still continue to spank the Yanks at Fenway.

Alonzo Mourning thinks Kobe is a better coach than Phil Jackson.

• Phillies slugger Raul Ibanez gets irate at a blogger for making steroid accusations, offers to show his hair, blood, urine, stool… you get the idea.

• Ex-NFL bust Ryan Leaf is on the run from the law over his drug charges.

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Paris Hilton Helps Ronaldo Celebrate New Riches

Cristiano Ronaldo can now buy all the pink hats & pearls he wants, as the soccer star is moving from Manchester United to Real Madrid in a $130 million deal. By scoring such a financial windfall (and relocating from soggy England to sunnier Spain), Cristiano decided to celebrate by hitting the Hollywood nightclubs last night.

Cristiano Ronaldo Paris Hilton

And which starlet did CR end up shacking up with by the end of the night? Would you believe Paris Hilton? Of course you would - it would be harder to believe that Paris wouldn’t get together with the now-richer Ronaldo.

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Speed Read: Unholy Isiah Thomas/Clippers Union

I’ll be blunt: End Times may be upon us. Sources have told ESPN.COM that the Clippers have had discussions with Isiah Thomas about bringing him into their front office. While the two sides have apparently only had “informal yet substantive” conversations, the thought of arguably the worst executive in NBA history joining forces with perhaps the most sad-sack franchise in all of pro sports should be enough to make anyone tremble in fear.

Isiah Thomas, Clippers and the Rapture

(A sign of things to come?)

One source within the Clippers organization (in between bouts of crying and failed suicide attempts, I’m sure) said that the discussion of bringing Thomas or Randy Pfund into the front office to “help” Mike Dunleavy is just “a smoke screen to defray the criticism of the franchise” about the lawsuit filed by former GM Elgin Baylor. I don’t know if that’s true or not; what I do know is that even throwing the idea of Thomas and the Clippers linking up is tempting fate.

Mike Dunleavy

(Why is this man smiling? Seriously, help me here - I have no idea.)

Because make no mistake, this is bad news on an apocalyptic scale - the Staples Center area might be turned into a giant vortex of suckage that it would collapse into itself, taking the majority of downtown LA with it. Those little yippy dogs that celebs like Paris Hilton carry in their purses would turn into blood-thirsty savages. Hollywood Boulevard might become a river of molten lava, carrying away the homeless and Japanese tourists there to see “Grease” starring Taylor Hicks to a fiery death.

I’m sure as hell leaving at once if this happens, and I’m bringing enough cyanide pills for the family in case we don’t get out in time. Perhaps I’m being a bit too panicky, but you have to plan for these things: I just have a feeling that more than the Clippers’ salary cap is going to explode if Isiah Thomas joins the Clippers.

Also making plans: NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, who is significantly more together than either Thomas or the Clippers. His latest plan, according to USA TODAY: expanding the regular season to 17 or 18 games, and eliminating one or two preseason games in the process. Imagine that…actually trying to give fans more meaningful games and eliminate season-ticket holders having to pay for lousy games featuring star players for one series and then a bunch of scrubs for the remainder of the game.

Of course, the union hasn’t approved the plan yet, and they are sure to not be pleased about their players having to play two more competitive games a season. (And if there’s an 18-game season, you can pretty much wipe out things like a 1,000-yard season as being any sort of benchmark for success.) And is certainly interesting that the league would consider putting the players through more wear and tear a day after announcing new rules to “protect” them.

Of course, Goodell has other things on his mind, like the fact that he might need to rule on Michael Vick’s status sooner rather than later. Vick left a federal prison yesterday for a bankruptcy hearing in Virginia, but the day was hardly successful. The AP reports that U.S. Department of Labor has filed complaints accusing Vick of illegally spending about $1.3 million in pension funds from one of his companies for personal reasons, including paying restitution in his dog fighting case.

This should close any debate about who the stupidest person in America is. I wonder if the Clippers have room on their staff for him?

Some other sports news from last night that you might have missed if you were in Brussels waiting in line to use the restroom…and waiting…and waiting…

  • Our economy might be going down a drain, but that doesn’t mean we as Americans are too broke to engage in the American Dream: going to a baseball game and eating a hamburger the size of a kitten. The GRAND RAPIDS PRESS reports that the West Michigan Whitecaps will be debuting The Fifth Third Burger, a 4,800-calorie, four-pound behemoth that includes a one-pound bun, five patties and five slices of cheese. And a cup of chili for good measure.
  • The Fifth Third Burger

  • BALL DON’T LIE salutes Wizards forward Dominic McGuire, who scored on a dunk last night to break a streak of 116 minutes played without a point.
  • Los Angeles TV and radio personality John Ireland made a hasty bet with James Worthy: if his UCLA Bruins didn’t advance as far as Worthy’s North Carolina Tar Heels in the NCAA Tournament, Ireland would sing the UNC fight song on TV. Bad idea, after the Bruins tanked against Villanova. Here are the unfortunate results - it’s like the drunk guy at karaoke who gets pressured into singing by his friends and spends his whole time on stage planning ways to kill them.
  • YAHOO! SPORTS takes promoter Bob Arum to task for encouraging American fans to attend a fight card in Tijuana this weekend, despite the U.S. government’s warning on travel. Something about armed drug violence turning into a civil war. Bob, I think I’ll catch it on TV instead.
  • Scary stuff for Olympic gymnastic hero Shawn Johnson: NEWSDAY reports that a nutjob armed with two guns and duct tape tried to break into the set of “Dancing with the Stars” and “get to” Johnson and her dancing partner. To be fair, if she wasn’t interested in him, she shouldn’t have been sending subliminal messages to him through the TV and through ESP. Women.
  • Of all the things I would think to impersonate in a scam, a youth soccer referee wouldn’t be one of them. But DIRTY TACKLE says that’s just what some fake ref did in Northern Ireland, convincing three teams to give him a “match fee” before games he never reffed.
  • Apparently the NHL doesn’t like it when a goaltender pushes a referee and then shoots a puck at him: the TORONTO GLOBE AND MAIL says that Martin Gerber of the Toronto Maple Leafs has been suspended three games after going nuts Tuesday against the Washington Captials.
  • The Boston Celtics death spiral continues as the BOSTON GLOBE reports the Magic beat them 84-82 to edge closer to the No. 2 seed in the Eastern Conference. Is it too late to give last year’s MVP to Kevin Garnett since we know now just how much he means to this team?
  • I think it’s fair to say that the Dallas police officer who stopped Houston Texans RB Ryan Moats from being at his dying mother-in-law’s bedside - at the hospital parking lot, over a red light - should not just be suspended or fired, but drawn and quartered. SPORTS RUBBISH has the awful, infuriating details.
  • For some players, spring training is a chance to get in shape; for others, it’s a chance to hit the free buffet in the locker room every day. THE LOVE OF SPORTS looks at the Top 10 Overweight Baseball Players. Maybe they’ll win a free Fifth Third Burger for making it on the list?

Who was the worst former player turned sports executive?

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Barry Zito Goes To Hollywood For Night With Paris

I suppose one trainwreck deserves another. That’s why it shouldn’t surprise anyone that Paris Hilton’s new squeeze appears to be none other Giants pitcher Barry Zito, a man being paid nearly $20 million a year to not get anybody out.

Barry Zito and Paris Hilton

Perhaps Barry is still crushed over the news that his ex, Alyssa Milano, is getting married, and is taking out some frustration. My best guess, though, is that Paris thinks she’s dating Matt Leinart and doesn’t know any better.

Details of Paris and Barry’s night out after the jump.

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Michael Vick’s Personal Mementos Bought For $10

While spending his days in prison in Leavenworth, Kansas, Michael Vick’s day to day life is probably pretty boring. He wakes up in the morning, eats, works out for an hour or so, does some work, and then goes back to bed. He also probably spends a lot of time trying not to get shanked.

While he’s inside a prison, life outside the prison walls carries on. The Atlanta Falcons are off to a 2-1 start behind their new quarterback Matt Ryan, and people are buying all of his old stuff at ridiculous prices. One man in particular got an entire storage locker full of Vick’s stuff for a whole ten dollars.

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Newsmaker Erin Andrews Does Not Want Attention

In a pretty in-depth piece over at RANDBALL, Michael Rand explores the latest explosion & controversy regarding Erin Andrews‘ recent conversion from news reporter to actual news story herself, and gets a nice quote from Andrews herself in the process. In short: Erin Andrews doesn’t want your attention.

Erin Andrews big cutout

Rand begins with a brief summary of the outrage, starting with the recent print hit job by Mike Nadel for the GATEHOUSE NEWS SERVICE and the ensuing explosion on the blogosphere.

Andrews’ reaction to the Nadel piece, and our own exploration of the phenomenon, after the jump.

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