• Tatum Bell, recently of the Detroit Lions, thought it would be hilarious to steal the bags of the guy who replaced him on the roster. Apparently, he didn’t count on the team having surveillance cameras. Either that or he’s just stupid.

• Rockies manager Clint Hurdle hates the Dodgers because … well, I have no idea. Seems like a lot of energy to waste on a team that won the NL West one time this decade.

• Toronto Argonauts wide receiver Arland Bruce III breaks out quite possibly the most arbitrary touchdown celebration in the history of tackle football: he donned a Spider-Man mask. Chad Javon Ocho Cinco is unimpressed.

• This makes sense: Ben Gordon, Chicago Bulls guard and British citizen might consider playing in Russia for the right price. It’s all very urbane. Or maybe he’s just trying to make a few extra bucks on his NBA deal.

• Good news: Floyd Mayweather Jr. is giving away $100,000. Bad news: it’s a reward for information leading to the recovery of $7 million worth of his stolen jewelry. Read more…

Oprah’s army doesn’t get many opportunities to see their goddess in pant suits in the flesh.  The only tickets harder to get for TV performances in Chicago history have been filmings of “The Bozo Show” and the Dirty Hippie section of Chicago Stadium for the 1968 Democratic Convention.

(Huge sports fan.  See?)

When Oprah announced she would fete dozens of American Olympians (with the best marketing deals, sob stories, and medal collections) on Wednesday in Chicago’s Millennium Park, the legion of Oprahlytes descended on the park Saturday for the chance at free tickets.

They shamed Krzyzewskiville with their power and organization.  The line stretched for six full city blocks and could have gone more.  Just wait ’till they mob the park Wednesday for an estimated 2,000 lawn seats.  Make that 8,000 when stacked like cordwood.
Read more…

OCHO CINCO CALLS 49ERS LB PATRICK WILLIS MUY BUENO: The SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE brings out something we haven’t heard in a while - the mouth of Chad Johnson:

Ocho Cinco was back to his usual talkative self during a Wednesday press conference for Saturday’s Bengals-49ers matchup. Chad was particularly chatty about San Francisco rookie linebacker Patrick Willis:”Who in the (expletive) is 52? Oh, my (expletive) God! I done seen a lot of linebackers in a seven-year period. That (expletive) is good! You guys can laugh all you want, he is the real deal! He’s playing with a cast on his hand, right? All during film, I’m calling him Bam-Bam.”

And the praise didn’t end there: “He’s the truth. You just tell him 85 said you’re the truth. I stopped watching the DBs to watch him. I don’t know anything about playing the position, but I know when someone is doing something right, because he is making every damn play.”On the other hand, Johnson didn’t have much to say about the 49ers cornerbacks: “I don’t care who I see. They could put Oprah out there, I’ll run routes on her. Since she has so much money, she’d be a man-to-man, lock-down corner because they’re the ones that get paid.”

But Chad did end his chat on a light note, offering some warm greetings for the 49ers coach: “Tell Mr. Nolan I said hi. I don’t (know him). I just want him to know me.”

• THE LONDON SUN has a message from the L.A. Galaxy to the English Premier League:

No, you can’t have David Beckham back:

Not yours.

• WE ARE THE POSTMEN finds classic video of Jose Canseco warning kids of the dangers of steroids.

• How ’bout them Cowboys getting petty? Not satisfied with Sunday’s win, GAME ON! reports that Dallas wants a sack recorded by the Giants’ Osi Umenyiora taken away:

• SPORTS HUB LA compares UCLA coach Karl Dorrell to Sean Penn, as both are Dead Men Walking.• The BOSTON HERALD knows Curt Schilling’s horse finally comes in, as the pitcher’s steed wins a race by 6 lengths.